Need some urgent advice

BARGAINHUNTER!

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bunty109

BARGAINHUNTER! wrote: »

Yes he was sleeping on the sofa and yes the marriage had gone sour (for about the last 6 years) and yes I had heard it from his ex wife so I know it was true

So why is he sleeping with her now?! I really think drink is a very poor excuse for him to do this and I think you need to be way less accepting of the situation....

aliasojo

BARGAINHUNTER! wrote: »

We have been through so much together these last 14 months and i have totally supported and committed to him so im not about to give up on the relationship so easily as I think there is still a chance. I think my b/f just needs to sort his head out and see the situation for what is is - too much to drink over Christmas and a big mistake. We were happily moving forward with our lives and planning a future together until this happened.

Ok, ignoring the moral rights and wrongs of this situation.....I agree that yout b/f needs to sort his head out.

From an outsider's pov though, I think we see things a little differently to you simply because you have an emotional investment.

It seems clear to me that your b/f still has hidden feelings for his ex, if there was nothing there he a) wouldn't have slept with her ...(drunk or not) and b) he wouldn't be texting back and forward in the manner he is. Don't kid yourself this is all down to wanting to make things easier on the kids, this is him and her still talking about 'their' relationship 14 months down the line. That's not a good sign after that length of time imo.

I'm not sure just waiting to see how this pans out will work in your favour tbh. He's getting the message that you will be there no matter what and I think as soon as you make yourself a doormat, you will be walked on. Don't get me wrong, I don't think he would do it intentionally but it's human nature to sort out the things that cause you the most grief/emotional stress etc first and the quiet background support isn't as considered imo.

I know you don't want to give up on him (and I'm not necessarily saying you should) but I do think he needs to think about his relationship with you as well as his relationship with his ex and I'm not sure he can do that with the current status quo.

What do you think he would do if you said you wanted to give him space to sort himself out? As far as I can see he'd have 3 choices...

1) Declare his undying love for you (and mean it) and do all he could to persuade you to stick with him

2) Accept what you say fairly easily and then go back to his wife

3) Accept what you say fairly easily and end up seeing someone else

Be honest with yourself, you know him, what would he do?

wuckfit

reading between the lines, if they slept together, my money's on them not using any form of contraception either.

emsywoo123

wuckfit wrote: »

reading between the lines, if they slept together, my money's on them not using any form of contraception either.

What's that got to do with anything? And we have no idea if ex wifey is on the pill or anything!

jackomk

Hard as it will be I think for your own dignity you should step back. This could end up like a tennis match with him bouncing between the pair of you. That wouldn't be any good for all parties involved, especially the children who will end up totally confused. The problem is, he never really ended one relationship before starting another. I think you are being blinded by your love for him at the minute. At the end of the day, he slept with someone else. Drunk or not he betrayed you. Having said that, im a great believer in karma !! sorry

BARGAINHUNTER!

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wuckfit

emsywoo123 wrote: »

What's that got to do with anything? And we have no idea if ex wifey is on the pill or anything!

no we don't, and in all probability neither does the OP. Quite apart from the STI risk, it's all very well for the OP to say that they've forgiven their partner, but if their partner's ex turns round in a few weeks and announces that she's pregnant, that could put a whole new angle on things.
Not to cast aspersions on the OP's partner's ex, but she wouldn't be the first woman who had tried to get a partner back by getting pregnant. As a rule it doesn't work in the long term.

OP, I hope it doesn't happen, but you need to prepare yourself for what will happen if she does end up pregnant as a result of this.

thorsoak

I always remember the words of one of the wives of James Goldsmith ...".when the mistress becomes the wife, it leaves a vacancy for a mistress"

When a husband has cheated on his wife ("they separated when she found out about me") the same can apply, imo!

She could well be "getting her own back" on you.

If you have any dignity - step back - let them sort themselves out - she was his wife far longer than you've been his mistress/partner.

The children's needs and feelings have to take priority to yours.

BARGAINHUNTER!

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