Need some urgent advice

flower24

step away from the pair of them completely

hannah-j_3

Hi Bargainhunter,

I simply could not read your thread and leave without telling you a little of my story, in fact I have re-registered as I am a regular on here.

Your post was eerie, in that I am the wife of a man who I separated from 2 years ago, the final straw being 'the other woman'.. yes we were having problems, it was just accelerated when he began having the affair and finally he left, I am ashamed to admit I knew of it for a while and hoped it would fizzle out, and we could get back to sorting our problems.

Anyway, roll on 2 years of which time we have stayed in touch, sometimes friends, sometimes not, but he has always told me throughout how he will always love me etc etc.

It came to Christmas this year and we had been getting on really well for some time but his girlfriend (much younger - 18 years younger than him) was very upset now at him texting me still, so I said I wouldn't text him etc at all over Xmas.
My kids are much older, 16 and 14 and they both contact him separately.
Then on Christmas Day I received a text 'I should be with you' - didn't reply..
On Boxing Day text..'I hate it here'..
On the 27th..I've left her, it's you I want.

I went to see him later that day, not to gloat or get back with him, but just to try and work out what he was playing at, and he said he wanted me back.
Now, I don't want to go into too much detail why and what has happened, but suffice to say, neither of us fell out of love with each other.
He is still my husband, I am still his wife, and I have no idea, none whatsoever if I would even ever trust him again, let alone take him back.

But please Bargainhunter, just remember you are not the only person in this triangle that is 'in pieces'

tanmu

honeyD wrote: »

Its ok saying this now but she is in this situation so I dont think its very helpful for everyone to say you shouldnt have done it in the first place.
I think the best thing for you to do bargainhunter, would be to talk to your boyfriend and see what he wants to do. Without knowing you cant really do much, if anything at all. You need to know where you stand.

Whether you think it is helpful or not, it does need to be said, because from what I've read, OP doesn't seem to accept any responsability for getting herself in this situation. I don't get ANY remorse from her posts at all. As a wife, she is exactly the kind of woman that makes me :mad::mad::mad:
Day to day marriage is hard enough. Yes, the b/f played a role, but he can only take what's offered, she should have had more respect for herself, the children and the wife than to do the offering.

the OP has had plenty of good advice from this thread. Seems to me she wants a pity party. 'Poor me', 'I'm so good to have forgiven him', 'but I love him so much' OP should never have gotten involved. Period.

And why should she be wished luck? I hope for the kids sake that he does go back to his wife and make a good go of it. Why should they have to grow up in a broken home because OP is in love?

Yes, this post is harsh. I meant it to be. OP needs a wake up call

emsywoo123

tanmu wrote: »

Whether you think it is helpful or not, it does need to be said, because from what I've read, OP doesn't seem to accept any responsability for getting herself in this situation. I don't get ANY remorse from her posts at all. As a wife, she is exactly the kind of woman that makes me :mad::mad::mad:
Day to day marriage is hard enough. Yes, the b/f played a role, but he can only take what's offered, she should have had more respect for herself, the children and the wife than to do the offering.

the OP has had plenty of good advice from this thread. Seems to me she wants a pity party. 'Poor me', 'I'm so good to have forgiven him', 'but I love him so much' OP should never have gotten involved. Period.

And why should she be wished luck? I hope for the kids sake that he does go back to his wife and make a good go of it. Why should they have to grow up in a broken home because OP is in love?

Yes, this post is harsh. I meant it to be. OP needs a wake up call

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:Congrats on being perfect.
The "good luck" words are because we are nice people who do not want to see her hurt. No one is saying what she did/didn't do is right, but that doesn't mean we want o kick her when she is down.
The part I have highlighted in bold is completely untrue. The OP may well be in love, yes, but thst is NOT neccesarily why he left his wife.

Ex-Spendaholic

Reading between the lines I think his mind is already made up. He is going back to his wife. The fact that he has told you he slept with her and has left the phone around for you to read the texts makes me think this.

I think he wants you to end things as he hasn't the balls to.

Sorry if this is harsh but its how I see it.

Oldernotwiser

emsywoo123 wrote: »

As far as the OP states, for all intents and purposes, the b/f and "wife" do not live as such. Modern times mean unusual dynamics with households. What a lovely world where everything is so black and white :rolleyes:

And what a wonderful world where a marriage that produced two children can be discounted as "what went before". There's nothing about modern times that makes infidelity any more acceptable and broken marriages any less tragic for the children of them!

Putting the word "wife" in inverted commas doesn't change the fact that she is indeed his wife as anyone would find out in this situation if anything were to happen to him.

Zazen999

emsywoo123 wrote: »

As far as the OP states, for all intents and purposes, the b/f and "wife" do not live as such. Modern times mean unusual dynamics with households. What a lovely world where everything is so black and white :rolleyes:

Isn't that what Marriage is? Black and white? Married or not?

Nothing 'modern' about infidelity - and certainly nothing dynamic about it.

emsywoo123

Am I the only one who thinks-yes, she should not have had the affair. But he left his wife. And no, marriage is clearly not therefore black and white when he (who I personally aportion majority blame to) walked out of the marital home to have his affair.

emsywoo123

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

And what a wonderful world where a marriage that produced two children can be discounted as "what went before". There's nothing about modern times that makes infidelity any more acceptable and broken marriages any less tragic for the children of them!

Putting the word "wife" in inverted commas doesn't change the fact that she is indeed his wife as anyone would find out in this situation if anything were to happen to him.

He left his wife. OP did not kidnap him (I assume ) with physical force.
It would appear (from OP version) that the wife was in name only. Divorce has been applied for.

Zazen999

emsywoo123 wrote: »

Am I the only one who thinks-yes, she should not have had the affair. But he left his wife. And no, marriage is clearly not therefore black and white when he (who I personally aportion majority blame to) walked out of the marital home to have his affair.

If, as a single woman, you meet a married man who is still living with his wife; then yes it IS black and white.

You walk away. Or face the consequences. You do this because you have morals. You have the ability to make a decision. Perhaps if more people did this, there wouldn't be so many broken families?