Need some urgent advice

snowmaid

My advice is walk away until he is divorced. Only then can you begin to accept that he no longer wants his ex wife.

As for them sleeping together. It is messy, that have been together quite a while, they were drunk. I am not condoning what happened, but you have to accept that there may still be caring, albeit not love and this, along with the booze, may have had a part to play.

Let him know that until he has resolved his current relationship, he cannot start another one.

hieveryone

BH, I've read through most of the thread and just wanted to re-iterate: Be Strong!

Reading some of your posts gives me the impression you have very low self esteem, and a man like that will see that in you and make the most of it - believe me, I've had it happen to me too!

You say you feel like he is going to break up with you - errr why haven't YOU broken up with HIM?? He holds all the aces here and you're just letting that happen.

Please don't think I'm trying to be harsh or make you upset, as that is genuinely not my intention, but I think you really need to wake up and smell the coffee that you were NOWHERE in this mans (and I use the term loosely!!) mind when he was having sex with someone else.

smartpicture

After I split with my husband, he came to sleepover (in separate bedrooms, obviously) every Xmas Eve while the kids were still young, so we could both be there when they woke up on Xmas morning. It didn't mean we wanted to get back together, just that we put the kids first. When I eventually got another live-in partner, who had a young child, I let him do the same for his child for several years without a problem.

The problem isn't about who sleeps where or whether he spends any time with his ex, the problem is whether he has let go of her and the relationship in his head. If he was over their relationship and you could fully trust him, it wouldn't matter where he slept - but the fact is, he isn't, and you can't. That's not a good relationship to be in, and the more it carries on, the more you will be hurt. I hope he does finish it - for your sake.

Dave101t

from his point of view, taking you out the equation, all he did was sleep with his wife.
as stated tho this is a mess and you need to do what is best for you, forget other peoples feelings thats how you get walked over.

Mely

red_devil wrote: »

it doent matter what you say! There was no need for them to spend it together!

They were parted not still married!

But they ARE still married!

flossyblog

Hello Bargainhunter

You are probably panicking and racking your brains to keep this relationship going, because you love this guy. However, It is important to understand that as much as you may wish, you know deep down inside that you can never control another person's thoughts of feelings.

you will have to remind yourself that everyone has a freewill to do with their life as they choose. It will be painful to accept, especially as you have such strong feelings for him. However don't try to influence him in to staying with you for any other reason than his love for you.

By all means talk about your feelings, but if he doesn't reciprocate don't force it. it will only create resentment and hostility in both of you. Please don't chase after him, Hold on to your dignity and self respect at all times.

You may be losing a relationship, but please don't lose yourself. Do not allow it to destroy the other parts of your life, or who you are.

You have to keep moving on with your life. Don't let anything else suffer because of this, ie your children, your friendships, job etc. Immerse yourself in activities, positive people and experiences.. Do not lie around giving into depression, or cutting yourself off. Ultimately this is a test of your character and your courage.

Give yourself moments to grieve, have a good cry and feel sad. It's ok, it's normal.

best wishes

BARGAINHUNTER!

post deleted

feelinggood_2

Sounds like he has ended things, possibly temporarily, possibly not. I'd advise you to just get on with your life. He might get in touch, but he might not - I wouldn't push him, hassle him, text him or try and persuade him to talk face-to-face. It sounds very much like he wants it all to be off at the moment.

I'm sorry, and I hope you are okay. Just focus on you - your heart will heal and you will feel better in time.

Pee

It sounds to me like he is ruled by what is in his trousers and any woman in her right mind would be better off without him, especially one like you who sounds really nice.

You were going to lend him your car and you took his daughter home whilst he went to the pub...

He has already shown he doesn't give a damn about his wife. He wasn't happy with her which is why he had an affair with you. He isn't going to go back to her and live happily ever after. She is giving him hoops to jump through and he might like the challenge and jump through them, but you would know all you would ever have to do is get him slightly drunk and he'd be back in bed with you. (I don't mean that he wouldn't sober, but if he was trying to be faithful, he obviously loses the ability after a couple of drinks.)

There must be something about him which makes you feel he is worth it. You say he gets on with your sons. I've only got one version of events, and may have misunderstood, but I think if you want him back, be nice, be patient and don't cause him stress. Although I don't think you should want him back.

cazziebo

Okay - I'm definitely being judgemental now! A%%e! He has ended this relationship - which has caused you so much pain - by text message. Unbelievable.

You are so much better out of this. Find someone who is free to give you the relationship you deserve.

One of the other posters is right - new year, new future, new start. I think you've had a lucky escape here. Geez - don't know either of you and I'm so angry :mad: Maybe you've done him a favour and he'll now focus on being a decent husband and a good father. that's the best I can say about him.

Sending hugs xx

BARGAINHUNTER! wrote: »

Ok - an update.

He hasn't been to see me but has sent some texts to me and I don't know what to make of them.

I text him to see if he was ok to which he replied 'im ok just heads a mess over divorce kids and relationships think I need a time out' I replied 'thats fine as long as u ok' he text back 'do u know what I mean by a time out' so I text back 'yeah u need to get things sorted in your head thats understandable' he text back 'no idea how long it will take im a wee bit messed up at the moment' I replied 'I know u are sweetheart' to which he replied 'so u understand that I don't want to be in a relationship at the moment then' so I replied 'sorry? I think we need to have this conversation face to face' he replied 'ok but not now' so I replied 'thats fine let me know when u coming round' to which he replied ' can't tell u that as on top of everything else my car just filed MOT shed loads of welding to do so not mobile at the moment' I replied 'well let me know as I can come to u'. He replied 'ok. I can understand if u hate me but can't explain whats going on in my head' to which I replied 'why on earth would I hate u and only u can work out what is going on in your head unfortunately' to which he replied 'don't know'. I replied 'well then! Let me know if u need to borrow my car' to which he replied 'how come u being so nice after what I have just done' to which I replied 'thats me!'

And there has been nothing since. What do u make of that lot?