Advice Please – not sure whether to get married or split up...

Odette

Good luck in your councilling. However from what you said before I think you are taking the easy way out, you know how you feel, tell your gf.

Obviously I only know what youve told us so I could be wrong.

a-non-y-mous

Got an appointment for tommorrow - I do know what you mean so I am not trying to drag anything out (already spent long enough facing up to this)

My real concern is that we have a strong relationship, we get on well - there is nothing wrong. It will be utterly out of the blue when I talk to her - as far as she is concerned we are getting on better than ever (which is true), I just seem incapable of making that next step of commitment - is it her or will it just be with anyone?

I just have this feeling that its my head that is messed up as opposed to our relationship - maybe I just dont have the ability to 'love' like other people?

One of the reasons I have decided to go to the councilling is that I have no one to talk to about this - the nature of my job means that all my close friends are geographically separated from me - I never get to chance to talk to anyone about what is going on in my head.

Turtle

Hope you get some clarity on some things tomorrow A-non-y-mous.

Bowski_1011

Good Luck for tomorrow!

zfrl

Good luck for tomorrow.
There has been some great advice on here and also it shows how everyone is different.

The pressure to get married & have children is quite a common problem (especially for people in their early 30s). It doesn't help that it is usually exacerbated by friends & family expectations.

Keep us posted.

Glitterari

Th counselling may be useful and may help you to get your feelings straight in your head, however it won't offer any solutions or 'advice' as this has to come from within you. No one can tell you what to do.

You said previously that you really believe in marriage.

But do you want marriage? Or see yourself getting married?

Do you want kids? Or see yourself with kids?

You likely know the answer to these questions.

If they one or both the answer is yes, then when do you want these or when do you see them?

Finally - do you want them with your gf? (at the moment you are unsure but have not said if you want what she wants!)

If you do want marriage and/or kids but unsure about the gf being the 'one' (I don't think everyone necessarily has this feeling - I think lots of 'smaller' feelings can make up for it, such as you have a good time with her, you have a laugh, you love her etc etc) then you need to make you mind up about what you're going to do so not to deprive her of what she has told you from the outset she wants from the relationship. To string her long even more and either dump her or not marry/have children with would be very unfair.

If you don't want marriage/kids then you need to tell her this and let her make decision about the relationship.

Astara

I wonder if you will have this problem with every woman you get into a relationship with because you say you are not 'emotional'. Some people are not 'emotionally intelligent' and do not know themselves very well and the counselling might help you with that. Some people 'know' from the beginning that this person is 'the one' and others have a lot more ambivalence but still make the relationship work. Otherwise it can become a whole ' is the grass greener syndrome'. My feeling is that you owe it to your girlfriend to be honest and go to counselling together as well as you having separate counselling. A lot of people have 'commitment issues' and learn how to resolve them. Don't throw away a really good relationship because of your own fears and anxieties and lack of emotional intelligence. Learn how to handle your fears and consider how your g/f has to put up with your lack of feeling emotion and maybe even ask yourself if she can deal with it why can't you?

moggylover

butterfly72 wrote: »

I agree with this post.

When I read the OP I wondered if my OH had written it!! I'm 37 - nearly 38 and would really like a baby (not so bothered about the marriage bit). We've even 'tried' once or twice when my OH decided... not consitently in any month or every month... just an odd occaision when he fancied it or when he thought the relationship was at real risk.

When I ask him to take it seriously and really try he says things like he's not sure he wants kids yet. I keep asking if there is any hope as I feel he is being unfair to me as my clock is ticking very loudly. He will not give me a straight answer and is very reluctant to talk about it and our relationship. Yet we get on great, are saving for a house deposit, do stuff together and enjoy ourselves. Its just that he won't commit to me - after 9 years together. He says he not sure I am the one. It hurts.

I've resorted to the ultimatum (the last thing I want to do) - baby or I'm going on more than one occaision but he gets upset and tells me he loves me and doesn't want me to go. He talks of the future/our future and in one conversation we even talked about baby names. Yet the next week he didn't want to know. Its just cruel - he's keeping me hanging on. I dont have the courage to leave as I really love him and live in hope that he will change his mind. Also at nearly 38 I feel i'm running out of time go and find anyone else.

All I ask of him is to be honest and truthful about what he wants. I deserve that at least. It makes me sad that he's not being honest and open and sad that because of this I may miss out on MY chance of a family.

Please OP be honest with your gf. Do the kind thing even if it hurts.

Reading from the outside: that sounds like a lot of truly intentional manipulation you are suffering there!;) You need to put YOU first now, and not even care what it does to him - he hasn't cared much what it has done to you until now.

To the OP - work out in your own head whether it is just a fear of committment, or that you don't really "love" her but are just used to her as a comfort zone.

If it is a fear of committment - you are old enough to have dealt with this by now, especially as you have hung her around so long. Get on with it, and quite honestly, grow up!

If you do not really, truly, deeply, madly love her then sod off and let her find someone who does and will give her what she deserves instead of the second rate dross that she appears to be getting.

I think I found your post too much about ME, ME, ME and too little about how badly you have treated her:o

Luckycharm_2

Hiya A-non-y-mous

I've just read the whole thread; I hope your appointment went well for you today and you got some space to begin figuring things out.

A few things stood out from your last few posts, and the thread as a whole. You talked about maybe not having the ability to love like other people do and not being emotional or having a chance to talk about your feelings.

Being human guarantees you are capable of these things but if you're blocking them out then there is a good reason for it. Professional support would help you a lot. It can be overwhelming to have someone listen and understand when you've perhaps never experienced that in your whole life.

Many people have said you sound selfish. On the contrary, I think part of your difficulty is pleasing other people too much. You want to stay with your partner cos your family and friends love her but what about you? You don't seem to know how you feel so are letting other people make important life decisions for you. The flip side is that you don't have to take responsibility when it all goes wrong.

Taking charge of your own life is a very liberating, rewarding and at times emotionally-draining thing to do. But you'll be a better person for it, I have no doubt.

Relate specialise in relationship work and this probably won't be what you're looking for after a session or two. Whoever you go to, do your research and make sure they are qualified and registered.

Best of luck. You're lucky to have reached this stage now. Some people go their whole lives not knowing what they want.

Bowski_1011

Luckycharm wrote: »

Hiya A-non-y-mous

I've just read the whole thread; I hope your appointment went well for you today and you got some space to begin figuring things out.

A few things stood out from your last few posts, and the thread as a whole. You talked about maybe not having the ability to love like other people do and not being emotional or having a chance to talk about your feelings.

Being human guarantees you are capable of these things but if you're blocking them out then there is a good reason for it. Professional support would help you a lot. It can be overwhelming to have someone listen and understand when you've perhaps never experienced that in your whole life.

Many people have said you sound selfish. On the contrary, I think part of your difficulty is pleasing other people too much. You want to stay with your partner cos your family and friends love her but what about you? You don't seem to know how you feel so are letting other people make important life decisions for you. The flip side is that you don't have to take responsibility when it all goes wrong.

Taking charge of your own life is a very liberating, rewarding and at times emotionally-draining thing to do. But you'll be a better person for it, I have no doubt.

Relate specialise in relationship work and this probably won't be what you're looking for after a session or two. Whoever you go to, do your research and make sure they are qualified and registered.

Best of luck. You're lucky to have reached this stage now. Some people go their whole lives not knowing what they want.

Fabulous post! I don't think the op is selfish either!