Advice Please – not sure whether to get married or split up...

Make-it-3

OP should be commended for taking this seriously even if it has taken him a while to this point. None of us here knows exactly how the OH feels - so tell her you feel like you personally are at a crossroads and say you seriously want to work this through to help you both come to a decision about this relationship. Then get booked in for some counselling - whatever way this relationship goes whether its, over, you agree to carry on as is, or make a deeper commitment it will be done openly and honestly which is best for you both.

tandraig

I read your post then didnt read any others - hun, Your doubts tell me you arent ready to commit to this person. you dont love her in the right way!the fact you posted your doubts on here is enough really. If you really loved her and wanted a family with her - our opinions wouldnt matter one iota!
its up to you what to do now - if I was you I would break it off gently if possible. but for your own sanity - break it off. its not fair to either of you to maintain a pretence of a loving couple. and dont be emotionally blackmailed into going through with things. that will lead to disaster!

butterfly72

Buddingblonde wrote: »

Without meaning to be, you have actually been rather cruel to OH - you have known for a long time that she is not the one (if she was you wouldnt have these doubts) and instead of making the break sooner you have allowed her to believe that it wasnt an issue of marriage and babies etc but of when would be the right time.

Men can have families at any time whereas woman only have up to their early 40's to biologically have a family. With every year that passes the odds of her having a family (more than one child) reduce. It is really cruel to knowingly leave her hanging on when you are certain that you want these things you dont want them with her.

Do the right thing and dont be a coward any longer - end it. Who knows, the time apart might make you both see the future a lot clearer. Certainly I know of a couple of friends who have split and then realised that they were each others "the one". They started dating again and rather than rushing in and living together they woo'd each other again and got married, and had babies and lived happily ever after.

It wont be easy but you must do it - if you have ever felt anything for her then you owe her. Good luck x

I agree with this post.

When I read the OP I wondered if my OH had written it!! I'm 37 - nearly 38 and would really like a baby (not so bothered about the marriage bit). We've even 'tried' once or twice when my OH decided... not consitently in any month or every month... just an odd occaision when he fancied it or when he thought the relationship was at real risk.

When I ask him to take it seriously and really try he says things like he's not sure he wants kids yet. I keep asking if there is any hope as I feel he is being unfair to me as my clock is ticking very loudly. He will not give me a straight answer and is very reluctant to talk about it and our relationship. Yet we get on great, are saving for a house deposit, do stuff together and enjoy ourselves. Its just that he won't commit to me - after 9 years together. He says he not sure I am the one. It hurts.

I've resorted to the ultimatum (the last thing I want to do) - baby or I'm going on more than one occaision but he gets upset and tells me he loves me and doesn't want me to go. He talks of the future/our future and in one conversation we even talked about baby names. Yet the next week he didn't want to know. Its just cruel - he's keeping me hanging on. I dont have the courage to leave as I really love him and live in hope that he will change his mind. Also at nearly 38 I feel i'm running out of time go and find anyone else.

All I ask of him is to be honest and truthful about what he wants. I deserve that at least. It makes me sad that he's not being honest and open and sad that because of this I may miss out on MY chance of a family.

Please OP be honest with your gf. Do the kind thing even if it hurts.

view

Remember, you don't have to be married to have children. I have lots of friends who aren't married and have kids (by choice) who don't see any need to tie the knot.

You say that you love her and don't want to split up, but you're not sure she's the one. Is that not a little unfair to her - she obviously thinks you are 'the one'.

Can you imagine your life without her? What if you do break up, because you feel you can't committ, and then a wee while down the track you realise that you, alike so many others, just had cold feet (which is absolutely normal) and want to get back together. What if she has moved on ?

I think it's great to have put a lot of thought into this, too many people it seems jump straight in without really knowing the person / having thought of what the future might bring.

Whatever you decide, I'm sure it will be the right thing.

Just weigh it up -

a possible lifetime of your unhappiness versus a painful separation for her now (which time will hopefully heal)

can you imagine life without her / with someone else?

is it simply just cold feet? what do you fear?

mr218

butterfly72 wrote: »

I agree with this post.

When I read the OP I wondered if my OH had written it!! I'm 37 - nearly 38 and would really like a baby (not so bothered about the marriage bit). We've even 'tried' once or twice when my OH decided... not consitently in any month or every month... just an odd occaision when he fancied it or when he thought the relationship was at real risk.

When I ask him to take it seriously and really try he says things like he's not sure he wants kids yet. I keep asking if there is any hope as I feel he is being unfair to me as my clock is ticking very loudly. He will not give me a straight answer and is very reluctant to talk about it and our relationship. Yet we get on great, are saving for a house deposit, do stuff together and enjoy ourselves. Its just that he won't commit to me - after 9 years together. He says he not sure I am the one. It hurts.

I've resorted to the ultimatum (the last thing I want to do) - baby or I'm going on more than one occaision but he gets upset and tells me he loves me and doesn't want me to go. He talks of the future/our future and in one conversation we even talked about baby names. Yet the next week he didn't want to know. Its just cruel - he's keeping me hanging on. I dont have the courage to leave as I really love him and live in hope that he will change his mind. Also at nearly 38 I feel i'm running out of time go and find anyone else.

All I ask of him is to be honest and truthful about what he wants. I deserve that at least. It makes me sad that he's not being honest and open and sad that because of this I may miss out on MY chance of a family.

Please OP be honest with your gf. Do the kind thing even if it hurts.

sorry butterfly72
but as an outsider it is pretty obvious to me that your bf does not want to commit. he is waiting for the 'one' which you are not. he is being honest in his behaviour although he not in his words. you and for that matter both of you choose not to see the situation for what it is. i think if you are really serious of having a baby, have one now through other means. dont wait for this man to decide. it is your life. dont leave it hanging on the caprice of others. if he loves you, he will recognise this need of yours. if not, then atleast you are not wasting your time. it is a frightening decision to get away from the comfort zone of a relationship but if your ultimate aim is to have a family, then please act now.

good luck

to the OP, you are like butterfly's bf but are conscious of not wanting to use her. please make your thoughts plain and clear to your gf and state that you do not want to marry her and have kids with her. that is the least she deserves. it will devastate her initially but you are being cruel to be kind. atleast there is no ambiguity and no leading on.

good luck to you too

Buddingblonde

Originally Posted by butterfly72
I agree with this post.

When I read the OP I wondered if my OH had written it!! I'm 37 - nearly 38 and would really like a baby (not so bothered about the marriage bit). We've even 'tried' once or twice when my OH decided... not consitently in any month or every month... just an odd occaision when he fancied it or when he thought the relationship was at real risk.

When I ask him to take it seriously and really try he says things like he's not sure he wants kids yet. I keep asking if there is any hope as I feel he is being unfair to me as my clock is ticking very loudly. He will not give me a straight answer and is very reluctant to talk about it and our relationship. Yet we get on great, are saving for a house deposit, do stuff together and enjoy ourselves. Its just that he won't commit to me - after 9 years together. He says he not sure I am the one. It hurts.

I've resorted to the ultimatum (the last thing I want to do) - baby or I'm going on more than one occaision but he gets upset and tells me he loves me and doesn't want me to go. He talks of the future/our future and in one conversation we even talked about baby names. Yet the next week he didn't want to know. Its just cruel - he's keeping me hanging on. I dont have the courage to leave as I really love him and live in hope that he will change his mind. Also at nearly 38 I feel i'm running out of time go and find anyone else.

All I ask of him is to be honest and truthful about what he wants. I deserve that at least. It makes me sad that he's not being honest and open and sad that because of this I may miss out on MY chance of a family.

Please OP be honest with your gf. Do the kind thing even if it hurts.

Hi Butterfly - I dont know how much plainer your OH can make himself in your situation. He doesnt want children or marriage with you as he does not feel you are the one. You go on to talk about your chance of having a family yet the person who is preventing you from having a family isnt him - it is YOU. You know that to have one you need to leave him and find someone who does want a family.
You seem to be hedging your bets that he is more likely to change his mind than you are to find someone who will love you and have children with you. You are selling yourself short and ultimately it is you who are making yourself childless. It might be a scary proposition but if you really want a family then you have to be proactive about it - otherwise you will find yourself at 50 with no children. There is also every likelyhood that if your OH doesnt think that you are the one, that one day soon he will meet someone who he does want to marry and have a family with. So you are pinning your hopes on someone who cannot guarentee you a future (with or without children).

I hate to say it but you need to weigh up your desire to be a mother with your relationship - what would the 50 yr old childless you say to the 37 year old you? Would she see the relationship you have with OH as worth denying her a family? Only you can answer this.

The difference with you and the OP partner is that she has no idea that he doesnt want a family with her - that is the cruelty of the situation. You however do. The cruelty is that by staying with him you are allowing him to think that you are happy to be childless to keep him.

lilmissmup

This thread breaks my heart a little as I was left by my partner of six years in July because I wanted to buy a house and have a family and he couldn't commit to me even though we had been living together for 5 years!!!

It does really hurt but now nearly six months down the line I know its for the best (although still I have wobbly moments and want him back), the relationship was very one sided, I put all the effort in and yes I got affection back but that was all really.

My ex has a lot of issues I realised more after we split (some drug related) so thats another reason I am better off without.

Anyway my point is you sound like how my ex was thinking and it sounds like maybe you should just even take a break, go and stay with a friend or family for a couple of weeks, get some space and reassess the situation.

Pls also like someone else said make it a clean break if you do decide to end it, my ex told me numerous times he still loved me just didn't know what he wanted and I had a lot of false hope sadly.

I have realised though that I do love him, I don't think I am "in love" with him now and my hurt is healing, it will prob take me another six months or so to feel even more comfortable but let her go whilst she is still young.

Oh and to the person that made the 5 years comment, my ex is 5 years older than me (30) and my brother who is only a month younger than him is married with two children he adores so I wouldn't go on anyones age, its the person that counts I have learned now.

gwhizz75

When I read the OP, I also thought it could have been my boyfriend writing that... it seems there are many of us in the same position (on both sides of the relationship). I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years and although we are both still young (in our twenties), I feel like we should at least be talking about getting engaged/married/having kids. When I try to talk to him about it, he usually says he does want to marry me but it's "just not the right time". I think it's quite possible that he is just saying this to keep me sweet and it plays on my mind a lot.

I told him that if he hasn't proposed in 2 years time, I will propose to him. He wasn't very happy about that but I don't really care. I'm not wasting years and years of my life waiting for something that is never going to happen and I too feel that after 6 years, you should know if the person you are with is "the one". He often makes excuses about our jobs not being stable enough right now etc but to be honest, I don't see what that has to do with getting married as I don't want a big wedding, I'd be happy if it was just the two of us. Plus I would be happy to just get engaged and stay engaged for a few years!

So, OP, looking at it from your girlfriend's point of view - you have to let her know what you are feeling and if you don't want to commit to her then you have to let her know. It is unfair to keep her hanging on and it is unfair to make her empty promises. I wish my boyfriend would be straight with me instead of fobbing me off. It will be so hard in the short term, but in the long term it is for the best as it allows you both to get on with your lives and find someone who wants the same things as you want from life.

Bananabelly

I wanted to add a slightly more positive story with the same message.

One of my friends just proposed to his girlfriend of 7 years. He said to me he knew he wanted to spend his life with her, and he proposed to her because it was important to her. There are a lot of details to work out and they are not sure when they are getting married, but he did it because he loves her and that's what she wanted to be happy, it didn't matter too much to him either way, so he decided to do it for her.

I think it shows that if you know it's right someone will make the step.

OTOH, my ex OH said he could see us getting married and having kids, even as we were breaking up and he was putting his friends ahead of my feelings. His actions spoke far louder than his words. I didn't want a relationship like that and broke it off. He is now engaged again already - he just wanted to get married to someone and have kids, I don't think it mattered all that much who.

Turtle

Has the OP been back here? Wonder what's going on with him?