Advice Please – not sure whether to get married or split up...

Bowski_1011

Good luck OP with whatever you decide to do. I wish my ex was man enough to finish with me rather than cheat.

I know too many men that are married/with partners and they clearly don't want to be with them or have any respect for them and it annoys me so much because they are too spineless to get out of a relationship they don't want to be in. Yes splitting up is heartbreaking but you get over it. I think you ending things with your gf now would be better for her in the long run. The worst that can happen is you make the wrong decision but you'd get over it. Same as she'd get over it if you do dump her.

I think the main thing is to stay strong and not string her along. I'm not saying you'd do that intentionally but I'm guessing that the break up is going to be very hard for you even if you're the one ending it and you'll probably have times when you'll want to see/hold her etc. But you can't do that coz it wouldn't be fair on her.

I wish you lots of luck, please keep us posted with how you get on.

Stephb1986_2

I don't think the question here is do you want to spend the rest of your life with her its more of can you spend the rest of your life without her?? If the answer is yes you can spend the rest of your life without her then you should do the right thing and let her go. If it's the opposite then you should think really hard before you lead her up the garden path and make her think that you and her are forver.

My now H2B is a commitment phobe totally! We got engaged just less than a week ago. He is s**t scared of commitment but for some reason he has asked me to marry him. If you do want to spend the rest of your life with her and you don't want to lose her perhaps you could have a long engagement to make sure this is what you want?

Personally what your doing I don't think is very fair on her, she obviously loves you and feels like your the one. From what your post says it doesn't look like you feel the same about her. I just looks like you feel pitty that you will break her heart. She doesn't need that she needs to be with someone who feels the same as her.

Good luck

Steph xx

mountainofdebt

Looking at it again from a different angle, my hubby always said he didn't want any children whereas I dreamed of having 4 children.

Anyway we got married and have only the one child.

Do I wish we had more children - sometimes but not often

Do I wish I'd never married him and married someone who actually wanted 4 children - no.

The danger for the OP as far as I can see is that they marry (I guess the love is there) but with the OP's OH hoping that she can change his mind or trick him into getting pregnant

Turtle

Hello a-non-y-mous

I think I'm in a sort of similar situation to this, but further down the line (I'm a female). I have just ended a 14 year relationship, as although I love my partner very much and we are best mates, I no longer feel like he's the person I want to spend my life with (although neither can I imagine him not being in my life at all).

We got engaged after 7 years even though he said he never wanted to get married. At various times over the next 7 years he still made it clear he didn't ever want to get married. Although I loved him desparately (sp?) and could not imagine being with anyone else, I got to the point where I didn't want to get married either as I thought if we arranged it he wouldn't turn up. As neither of us want kids the timescale was not that important, but I would often say to him that the reason he did not want to get married was because he did not really believe that I was 'the one' (and I think this is possibly how you feel too).

Throughout our relationship he has been very supportive in some areas, and completely lacking in others which were very important to me and unfortunately have gradually whittled away my 'in love' feelings to the point where now, my heart is just not in it anymore. So, two weeks ago I ended it. We are still living together which is very hard as I cannot get any space or perspective on the situation. He is being really good about it, he tells me he loves me and actually wants us to get married now as he says he has realised what he lost. I am just not sure whether it is too late for me to get those feelings back, and I actually felt like I couldn't breathe when he first mentioned setting a date as it felt completely wrong. I don't just want to throw all those years away but at the moment I feel completely apethetic about us being together to be honest.

I'm not exactly sure what it is I am saying here, but I wanted you to know you are not alone. Nor do I think you're selfish as some other poster said you were. I suppose what I am trying to get across is that if you are not sure, then it may not be the right thing for you. Perhaps you might split up then realise she's the one you want. If she's as in love with you as she says she might be willing to give you another chance as long as you are willing to give her what she wants.

Good luck in what you decide, I know that it is not easy.

Gingham_Ribbon

Have you considered counselling? If you think there's a chance it's just fear of commitment, then it's worth a try. If you know deep down that you'd rather not spend the rest of your lives together, maybe not.

I do know people who have walked away from longterm relationships and become blissfully happy with someone else down the line (me included.) I also know 2 couples who split up because the man was afraid that he might be making a mistake to commit forever. The first guy just wanted to be 100% sure and didn't want to string her along. It wasn't long before he returned and asked her to marry him. The second just had a wobble I think when he realised this was 'it'. They are both incredible couples and solid as rocks.

swiss69

I sometimes hear comments from women saying " I knew he was THE ONE after a week " etc... It seems that with many woman they have a life plan that involves finding THE ONE, moving in together, marrying him, having his kids and living happily ever after. Often as quickly as possible. The clock starts from the first date and if there is no talk of commitment after a year or so or any sign of moving in together then many woman start to feel insecure. After 6 or 7 years it is a case of being very insecure as part 4 of the plan (ie the baby) is nowhere near happening and the egg timer is running out of sand!

When you read other threads about splitting up on here, women describe their (Usually unfaithful) partner as being their SOUL MATE. It is a similar picture...I thought we would be together forever, I still love him soooo much. It is a recurring theme on here!

Men in general just dont have the same urgency to achieve the above. We still want the same most of the time but if it takes 7 years then it takes 7 years.

belfastgirl23

I actually think you don't know yourself what you want which is difficult. I'd suggest that the two of you take a break for at least three months if not six. This should help you figure out whether you want to be with her and help her figure out if she's willing to still be with you without marriage and kids. Alas I think she's focused on marriage and kids as giving her security and really that's not how it is, you can feel equally insecure whether you're married or not.

I do think in a longer term relationship you can take each other for granted and fail to see what made you fall in love to start with. By taking a break you can figure out how you really feel. Of course the risk to you is that she'll decide she can manage quite happily without you

Lara44

I just wonder what would really be different in your relationship if you got married. You've already spent 6 years together, bought a house together. What would change if you got married? Wouldn't you be just as happy on a daily level? Is this the only problem for you with the relationship, or is it just not working on a day to day level?

Primrose

I really think you have answered your own question but can't yet face up to accepting it because of the pain it would cause you both. If you were 100% committed to your girlfriend I can assure you that you would not be having these niggling doubts which have gone on for a very long time. Your girlfriend wants marriage and you don't. Neither of you are immature children. However much you love her, if you cannot offer her the unconditional gift of permanent commitment, it would be better to be honest now, make the break and give her the chance to find somebody who can offer her what you apparently can't, or won't. It would be wretched for you both, and dishonest on your part if you married with these doubts still in your mind. You sound as if you're an individual who needs a lot of space in your life for independent activities. Being married, and especially if you have children would mean a huge shift in your life and require adjustments that you would probably feel resentful about making, if you're honest. For the last six years you've had the sort of life you seem to want - friendship, love and companionship in your own home and time for your hobbies but with no strings attached. I think it's time for you to accept that you can no longer continue in this manner. You have effectively robbed your girlfriend of six years of her life by buying a house together and letting her think that marriage would eventually be on the cards. Time to stop dithering and make the break while she still has time to build a new life for herself.

becky170

I think you know what you have to do, even if you don't like the thought of it. And yes splitting up with her will cause both of you a great deal of pain, but from the sound of it deep down you know that she's not your forever girl. Try and make it a clean break for both of you so that you don't give her false hope that you'll change your mind and decide that she is the one.