Advice Please – not sure whether to get married or split up...

Zazen999

Um; I think you have decloaked!

Errata

You're a proscastinator - you need to face up to yourself with great honesty. TBH if you

still just cannot be comfortable thinking ‘this is it’ – ‘she’s the one’.

you're no great catch.

a-non-y-mous

Zazen999 wrote: »

Um; I think you have decloaked!

Thanks there, pleased I was not fully quoted etc.

re-pasted in:

I am still here and have been reading regularly (on my phone) but not been able to reply as my g/f is always using my laptop.

I’m pretty miserable to be honest – I have been on best behaviour over New Year as we had people staying but post that my g/f has picked up that something is wrong but I feel my head is still not straight enough to talk about it.

I think deep down she knows all of my problems and there is a bit of her that does not to ask too many questions as she knows she won’t like the answers.

Her response to my mood is to be extra loving and caring and she is really making an effort with all the (minor) things that wind me up about her (she is phenomenally messy!)

I keep getting it straight in my head that the right thing to do is to split up (I have options on moving out) but then think I may be making the biggest mistake of my life – my family love her, my friends love her, we get on well etc etc.

Thing is I still just cannot be comfortable thinking ‘this is it’ – ‘she’s the one’.

I think the idea of counselling, much as though it’s against my nature, might not be a bad idea – how do you go about it? How do you find someone reputable to talk to? I feel I owe it ot her to make sure that splitting up is the right thing to do.

I just have this feeling that I might just not be the type of person that gets that ‘she’s the one’ feeling about anyone – I’ve never been very in touch with my emotional side.

I am now very aware that I have to do something and soon – I vowed to myself that I would deal with this by the end of 2009 - either propose or split. Its now 2010 and I have once more dragged it out.

Its interesting reading that others have similar situations – especially from the other half’s point of view. Must be horrible knowing something is wrong but not wanting the solution to go against what you desire.

Ho hum.

Buddingblonde

I keep getting it straight in my head that the right thing to do is to split up (I have options on moving out) but then think I may be making the biggest mistake of my life – my family love her, my friends love her, we get on well etc etc.

These are not reasons to be with her - why not just take a break, move out and give it a timescale and see how you BOTH feel after some time out. That way you are able to assess your future and so will she.

Procrastination - the thief of time.

divorcingjack

Buddingblonde wrote: »

These are not reasons to be with her - why not just take a break, move out and give it a timescale and see how you BOTH feel after some time out. That way you are able to assess your future and so will she.

Procrastination - the thief of time.

Buddingblonde - I may have that procrastination saying framed and put up in my house!! I am a terrible procrastinator.

a-non-y-mous I agree with buddingblonde about taking a break. Perhaps you know that making the final final final split/marry decision is too hard, so you are putting it off. Your OH obviously knows there are problems, so how about sitting down and explaining that you want to work together to come to a decision, but emphasise that it's important that she is involved too.

Suggest counselling - I have heard really good things about Relate. You can set up an appointment via email but there can be a waiting list depending on your area. Why don't you join the list now?

One of you may want to move out during this process, I personally found it impossible to go to counselling and then come home and cook dinner, go to bed etc as if everything was normal.

This will also give you an opportunity to work out how you really feel when she isn't around. The most important thing is to keep communicating - we couldn't do it face to face because some of the things that came out were hurtful and one of us would end up crying, but we found email a really useful tool. It also gives you the opportunity to read over what has been actually been said rather than trying to remember exact wording.

I wish you all the best and hope you get it sorted out. I've been really struggling over the last few days with my own situation, as people we know have been getting engaged and we've had the family "when are you going to make an honest woman of her" New Year nightmare.

GRRRR.

PS: I am phenomenally messy too. I'm trying hard though!!

a-non-y-mous

Just re-read the entire thread - thanks all for posting it really has helped. I wish I had done it ages (years?) ago as it helps you focus your mind and has forced me to face up to things.

I have decided to get some councilling - I have spoken to Relate and they can 'get me in' in a week. I will go at first by myself (not mentioning it to the o/h) but if they think its worth it I will get my g/f to come as well.

I am also considering moving out to give us both some time - I have the option to move into 'work accommodation' at pretty short notice so she can have the option to stay in our house. I should be able to keep paying my half of the mortgage while she lives there until we are more sure of what to do.

Some people on here have talked about 'taking a break' or 'getting back together after splitting up'. Much as though it the easier option to 'take a break' (as opposed to splitting up) I assume that really we should 'formally' split up otherwise I could just be dragging things out. I will just have to take the risk that if I am making a huge mistake that we should be strong enough to work it out later - assuming she will take me.

If I do move out do I cut all communication? Is that the 'best' way? Force ourselves to cope without each other? Is that the only way to gain perspective?

This is all on my mind constantly, every waking moment. But, everyone is right that I need to act - whatever happens it will be better than carrying on ignoring it.

LegalBlonde

First of all you were "on your best behaviour" over New Year - she isn't your mother and you certainly aren't a child. I cannot think of anytime in 6 years I have been on a certain "behaviour" with my partner.

You guys have a mortgage together?? You need to get this sorted out. I can only give you my own advice but I totally agree that you should formally split and yes, cut communication. It is the only way, anything else is just messing about and being even more unfair.

If you tell her how you really feel presumably it can only lead to a break or permanent split. Anything less than that and you are misleading her even more.

a-non-y-mous

By 'best behaviour' I meant that I did not want to upset her in front of our friends (staying with us) - we get on well, pretty much always do - no acting involved! Since NY its been more obvious that there is something significant preying on my mind, she knows I'm unhappy.....probably she knows why but hasn't said anything

LegalBlonde

Even using the phrase "best behaviour" and your above explanation shows that you are not happy and you are not being yourself and she certainly WILL know. I get why you are unsure, I get why you are unhappy, I don't get why you are putting it off when you have all the information to hand right now. There is not going to be any new information, there is not going to be any personality transformations on either side. You said yourself it was meant to be end of 2009 and it is already starting to eat up your New Year - it is the 4th today!!! We are all putting off doing things but I doubt many are as serious as this with such an effect on someone else (mine is exercising and losing some weight - instead of sitting on MSE )

LegalBlonde

PS If you feel counselling will help it is a great step that you have contacted them and made an appt. Alot of people would find that difficult. I personally would not, as I have said you have all the information to hand, what is going to change. But that is just me and if you think it might work for you well done for taking the first step. I don't know if that means you will wait until after the first session though to do anything.