Advice Please – not sure whether to get married or split up...

frank_r

HA. I'm in the same predicament. Its either love or it isnt. Well, is it?

funky_76

If it wasn't for The fact u said u had been together for 6 years and u had a mortgage together I Would think u were my other half! just waiting for him to say we need to 'talk'
just get it out in the open, because it hurts more knowing there's something wrong and refusing to talk and dragging it out doesn't help!

a-non-y-mous

Well I have considered that the general coconscious is that I should discuss with the g/f sooner rather than later. My intent was to get today’s Relate session over with and potentially do it this evening but events last night scuppered that.

Basically we had a minor tiff but then she said I must talk to her as I was obviously not happy and she asked if I was concerned about our relationship. Basically I did not want to lie to her so it all came out. She knows I’m going to counselling today and she knows I’m worried about not being able to commit.

We touched on one of us moving out, should we split now – she basically wants to know everything now. Problem is I don’t know…that’s sort of what I want the counselling to help me with.

I had never really considered having to move out before/during the counselling but I can now see that as soon as she gets home this evening she will be badgering me for answers and wanting to discuss everything in depth and I’m not sure I’m going to have any answers for her.

I always assuming it would be me moving out because its my fault and probably easier for me to do (can move into work accommodation with very little notice) but I have a feeling that she may want to move out as she is rubbish by herself so will want to be around a friend.

Got my counselling in about an hour, never done anything like it before – its exactly the type of thing I’, normally very dismissive of. I really hope it will give me some clarity but I’m not certain it will. I also am worried about getting more appointments – having to potentially wait a week between 1 hour appointments is not going to sort anything out quickly.

puffinmuffin

I have been the girl in this situation, after 5 years and a mortgage i wanted to get married. Whenever it came up he kept telling me he wasn't ready or didn't know if he wanted to marry at all. He started acting weirdly and it was obvious something was wrong but it was me who had to initiate the conversation in the end. He told me he wasn't sure he wanted to be with me forever, even that he had planned to propose on our last holiday but couldn't go through with it! At the time i was devastated as really wanted to marry him but i had to accept that the feeling wasn't mutual and he couldn't give me what i wanted.
Now 3 years on i am happy with someone else but still feel resentful sometimes that i let my ex string me along (he got engaged to his current GF after a year together, so clearly no problem with marriage!) I can see the same thing happening with a good friend and her boyfriend at the moment.
Anyway, i guess my point is the same as most others, if you have to split, it's better to do it sooner rather than later. The longer you drag it out the worse it will be.
Good luck whatever happens

jackieglasgow

Actually, a-non-y-mous, you'll find that a week between appointments, will be exactly right. These people know what they're doing, and have done it for a long time. You need the week in between to digest what you've said/thought/discovered at your previous session, and for new opinions and thoughts to form in your mind. You've taken a long time to get to this point in your relationship /life and your head needs time to assimilate these thoughts and feelings and put them in some sort of order, and make sense of them.

Good luck, take your time, for both of you, and don't try and rush things. You and your GF will be desperate for answers, but it takes time to heal yourself, and your relationship, if that's what's to happen.

mr218

hi anonymous

well done on being proactive and moving things along. i think your gf is great. she wants you to be open and i think in the main you should be . dont have to be cruel but you can put your issues on the table and tell her that you are torn up with these issues. but dont keep going on about how you feel and how it is difficult for you. it is very difficult for her because she could potentially lose the man she loves and with it all her hopes and expectations she has built up in the last few years.

i think a clean break (if that is what happens) is painful but better in the long run.

can you visualise a time in your life (say a year from now) when you have broken up from her and have a single life or maybe a new relationship. does that make you feel relieved, sad or panicky. if you feel relief at the thought of getting out of this relationship then to my mind it brings a greater clarity to this situation. i.e. your gf is a great girl but you dont love her and feel trapped at the thought of marriage and kids with her and it does not feel right.

you should explore your feelings and thrash it out.

belfastgirl23

Hope it all went well today...

butterfly72

Oh dear. I do hope the OP is ok. He could be going through hell right now.

a-non-y-mous

Well, had my first ‘session’ – not sure what I think. We only had a short time but she touched on some interesting stuff. After talking her through my feelings and what help I was after (a bit of help gaining clarity and deciphering my thoughts) she actually said she did not know whether we should split up or stay together and was as confused as me! One of my concerns is that she said that I was very unusual and she had never heard of a situation like it – responses from this thread beg to differ. She also had trouble recollecting some pretty famous personality type tests (Myres Briggs) which made me wonder if I have gone to the right place.

My g/f has taken it really badly, went out with a friend from work to talk about things and came back very drunk and tried to talk things through with me – I hate talking about serious things when either of us has had a drink. I have a feeling she will move out in the next few days as all she wants to do is talk about it all the time and I have nothing to tell her.

She does understand and is pleased that I am attempting to tackle it but is devastated and can’t stop crying. I’m getting about 5 long emails a day telling me exactly why she thinks I am the one for her.

Whole thing makes me sad but somehow does not feel real – like it has not properly sunk in yet. I am still really worried that I am making a huge mistake by considering splitting up. So much is right – its just this tiny niggle in the back of my head tainting everything.

a-non-y-mous

Just to answer some questions posed:

- I’m pretty down but certainly not on medication. I really don’t think I am heading down the clinically depressed road. I do feel a lot better having ‘broken the ice’ and actually spoken to g/f and relate.

- Visualising my (single) self in the future – makes me feel sad but strangely empty. I still have enormous difficulty with emotion. I just feel empty like I have no emotion at all

- Can I imagine marriage and kids with her? Well yes I can but I’m scared that I will mess it up later – I really don’t want to be in a situation with a split family. I have never had an ‘affair’ but, similar to other peoples problems on here, I worry that it is the type of thing I might do. ( I am very aware that this comment is shows me to be selfish and is not going to get me any sympathy on here)

- There is a good post about ‘emotional intelligence’ and ‘is the grass greener – syndrome’ – I think those describe me well. The g/f does make me happy but our differences do make me wonder if I could be happier with someone a bit more like me. On the flip side I am certain that someone too like me would not be good for me and I need something to balance out my personality.

- Lots of comments about ‘am I selfish’? Most probably, I believed that there was actually nothing ‘wrong’ with my relationship and I was happy - so I have avoided confronting things, potentially at the expense of my g/f long term happiness. I now realise this and am trying to do something about it. I know that I have no excuse for not tackling it earlier.


Can I thank people again for hearing me out – I am finding ‘splurging my thoughts on to the page’ very useful and it definitely is helping. I still do not know how this is going to end up but for the first time in years I actually feel I am making progress and will get to the ‘correct’ answer. It makes me feel very sad (and guilty) that I have to put my g/f through this as she has done nothing wrong and she is so sure I am the right person for her.

Relate have got back to me and I now have weekly appointments on Tuesdays – I’m itching to go again