Advice Please – not sure whether to get married or split up...

a-non-y-mous

Another ‘new’ username here from a MSE regular - seems strange posting this in a MSE forum but I just wanted to get a fresh opinion on things and my friends are useless at this type of thing and I’ve had some good advice from here on non MSE things in the past.

To summarise first I basically cannot figure out my current relationship in my own head and am now (rightly) being pressured into facing up to it.

I have been in a relationship for 6 years now, great girl and we socially get on well etc, but we are polar opposites. This used to be fine but now as we get older I feel we each becoming more ‘like ourselves’ and its unsettling me. She is very emotional and wants to spend all our time together but not necessarily doing things – I am really active and like my individual hobbies, making things, time doing stuff myself.

I have been getting significant pressure into getting married for several years now but always avoided the topic – basically as I just am not sure “she’s the one”. I am not an emotional person at all so am struggling to get that gut feeling that everyone else seems to.

I really believe in marriage but when I do it I want it to be “right” but currently I have this niggling feeling that I will mess it up, potentially ending up splitting up and with kids in the mix.

This has come to a head after years of me avoiding marriage commitment with the inevitable discussion of kids and biological clocks. Basically the g/f does not want to be left high and dry with no chance of a family. I do want a family, marriage etc but again I have this fear of committing to her – especially with kids.

I do love her and enjoy going out with her but the idea of a lifelong commitment to her (or anyone else) petrifies me.

I am now in the situation where I have to face up to things and figure out my head or she with have no chance of having a family (with or without me).

I have this awful feeling that unless I can feel certain, then we should split up – but that is not something I want to do and I know it would devastate her.

I’m not sure any of this is making sense – I have considered going to see someone to help me extract some sense from my head – do you think that would help?

I feel like all my friends don’t seem to have the doubts I do – I’m not sure if I am thinking too much and should just go ahead and commit.

How can I sort my head out? I'm normally a problems solver and desisive person but 'problems of the heart' are beyond me!

zfrl

If you are not sure now then don't do it. You do not say hold old you are, 30ish?

The stress of getting married - yes it can be stressful, and the even greater pressure & stress of having young children will drive you further apart.

Neither of these thing will bring you together unless you are fully committed now.

iceicebaby

I agree with zfrl. Unless you are damn sure then marriage and kids will make things even more stressfull and ultimatly split you up anyway.

Better to call it a day now so you can both go on and find happiness elsewhere while you are still young enough.

iceicebaby

Oh yeah, forgot to say, if you are in any doubt as to whether you should get married then don't. Something is telling you its not right, listen to it!

Hope whatever you decide to do works out for you both xx

Curious_George_2

if you have big doubts like this then please dont get married...
if you believe a split now would devastate her then imagine how much worse it will be when you are married, legally tied and possibly the parents to a couple of innocent kids...

as hard as it will be, your going to have to tell her... you love her and love being with her but your just not ready for the whole marriage / kids thing and then its up to her, if she doesnt mind and loves you regardless then its win win, but if her biological clock is driving her up the wall then she has the option to leave now while she has the chance, if my OH was having doubts like this while i was happily thinking about what wedding dress i fancy i would want to know!

dont ruin your life AND other peoples by doing what you think is expected of you rather than what your gut tells you, especially when it comes to marriage and children
its harsh, but then real life can be that way sometimes...

good luck

zzzLazyDaisy

If you have to come to MSE to ask if you should get married or split up......

The only possible answer is DON'T GET MARRIED!

Seriously, marriage requires love, commitment, and hard work.

When children come along, it requires even more love, commitment and hard work.

If you are not sure after all this time, you are not ready for marriage. But if she really wants children, then you both have some seriously hard decisions to make. YOU can wait until you're 50 before deciding to have children, if you want, but she can't.

bluebell13

The fact that you have concerns that she is not 'the one' indicate to me that you certainly should not go ahead with marriage. Having recently split from my ex with whom I have 2 children I cannot tell you how hard it is to have to cope alone and see the childrens family life break up. Ultimately he has a gambling problem which looking back was hidden all along. When we first got together I had a lot of 'bad feelings' which I put down to anxiety etc and perhaps meeting him too quickly after my previous relationship ended. However, now I can look back and see that the relationship itself was never great and as a person he was not what I was looking for, but things moved too quickly and at his pace and not mine. An unplanned pregnancy followed and we settled down together, but at the end of the day his issues slowly took over and ultimately destroyed it all.

You need to have a serious think about whether it is marriage per se that you don't want and if so is there a reason for that e.g. bad experience with parents divorce or something which puts you off. If it's not that and you feel that you don't want to marry her, then you need to sit down and have a long and probably very painful chat with her. Please just don't go along with things as ultimately it can make things much worse in the long run.

I read a quote somewhere....I think it might even be someone's signature on here....but it goes something like - don't marry the man you can live with, marry the man you can't live without - wise words.

kegg_2

dont get married and dont have a child unless you are a 110% sure that is what you want.

You say you love her but are you IN love with her as there is a big difference.

Ask yourself could you imagine my life without her. If the answer is yes she is not the one and it might be kinder to break it off so she can find someone who can give her what she is clearly looking for.

Bennifred

I agree with the other posters - if you're having to ask the question, then I'm afraid the answer is obvious!:(

dogcat_2

Hi, If you are not sure about your feelings...then I would say...def. don't get married...can you not talk over with your gf the problems you have. I know it won't be easy. I think you need to sort your head out. I know getting married is often a frightening prospect (for most people) anyway. It might be that that's the problem, not the girl that you're with. I would say talk to you gf..for all you know she may be feeling the same...nervous, unsure.Lets know how you get on.

a-non-y-mous

We are both over 30.

I don't want us to split up - I love her - we have built our lives around each other, bought a house together, socialise together etc etc.

I feel terrible because she has been saying for years that if I don't want to get married then then there must be a reason and I must let her know before its too late.....I have dragged out making a decision for years as I don't want to split up.

What if its just me being crap with 'feelings' and we end up splitting up and I have made the worst decision of my life?

ETA: There are no obvious reasons for me being against marriage - strong family background etc.

She is so sure I'm the one she wants the concept of breaking her heart I find unbearable.