Advice Please – not sure whether to get married or split up...

Mely

I agree with the previous posters, please dont get married if you have any doubts! If you do whilst feeling the way that you do, once you have children then the pressure they bring (along with how you feel), will definately split you up anyway, and that would be disasterous for all concerned!

wuckfit

I think you'll find that most men do go through this crisis.

It's a life-changing step. Once a guy gets married, he'll soon be under pressure to provide his (and her) parents with some grandchildren. For some men, that's even more scary.

You need to think carefully about what you want, and whether you want to stay with this woman. if you don't you might not get another chance.

kegg_2

a-non-y-mous wrote: »

We are both over 30.

I don't want us to split up - I love her - we have built our lives around each other, bought a house together, socialise together etc etc.

I feel terrible because she has been saying for years that if I don't want to get married then then there must be a reason and I must let her know before its too late.....I have dragged out making a decision for years as I don't want to split up.

What if its just me being crap with 'feelings' and we end up splitting up and I have made the worst decision of my life?

ETA: There are no obvious reasons for me being against marriage - strong family background etc.

She is so sure I'm the one she wants the concept of breaking her heart I find unbearable.

Sorry but you cant have your cake and eat it too. She is clearly ready for marriage and family, you say you are not so you have to tell her that and if she is not preoared to take the chance on you ever being ready then you have to let her move on with her life and find someone who is ready.

Having a house and a social life together is no reason to keep a relationship going if both parties in it are not heading in the same direction.

Threebabes

I think you sound like a lot of men, reluctant to commit.

If you love her and dont want to split, I cant understand why you dont want to marry her.

Its ok to like different things, you will find a lot of woman are emotional, thats how we are built. My DH and I are very different. I would like to spend all our time together where he doesnt lol and he tells me so.

Whatever you decide to do, dont keep her hanging on.

Does she know how you feel?

Mely

a-non-y-mous wrote: »

There are no obvious reasons for me being against marriage - strong family background etc.

Going on what you have said, i dont think you are against marriage. I think that as you are questioning yourself as to if she actually is 'the one'. That is why you dont want to get married, its not marriage itself that you are against.
Could you have time apart so that you could maybe get your thoughts and feelings clear? Sometimes when we are with someone it is hard to know the depths of our feelings for that person untill we are apart. Breathing space maybe?

thorsoak

Sounds to me as if you want to have your cake and eat it!

Tell her honestly - and then make arrangements to leave pdq!

Good luck.

frannyann

I have a view that will not be popular but I am going to risk the 'flaming' and say it anyway. I think that for some men (not all but many I have known) the idea of being 'on their own' is worse than staying in a relationship that is not making one or both of the people happy. You say you don't want to split but you don't think she is 'the one', sorry but that is selfish. You are making your partner unhappy and making her wait on a 'maybe' this will kill your relationship in the long run. Is it possible that she has become more of a 'best friend' than a long term partner?
I think its quite normal to have concerns, I, myself, have only just agreed to getting married after 7 years BUT I knew the reasons for my reluctance as did my partner which meant we understood our long term aim for our relationship, even so it did split us up for 4 months. However that split made us realise we were miserable apart from each other. I can't say do one thing or another, but I think deep down you will know the right course of action, its just getting that clear in your own mind.

Zazen999

a-non-y-mous wrote: »

Basically the g/f does not want to be left high and dry with no chance of a family. I do want a family, marriage etc but again I have this fear of committing to her – especially with kids.

I am afraid that it is YOU that are not the ONE for her. If you were; she would not mind being high and dry with no chance of a family...as you would be the 'one' wouldn't you?

Do her a favour and move on. Let her find someone that will want the things that she wants.

January20

frannyann wrote: »

I have a view that will not be popular but I am going to risk the 'flaming' and say it anyway. I think that for some men (not all but many I have known) the idea of being 'on their own' is worse than staying in a relationship that is not making one or both of the people happy. You say you don't want to split but you don't think she is 'the one', sorry but that is selfish. You are making your partner unhappy and making her wait on a 'maybe' this will kill your relationship in the long run. Is it possible that she has become more of a 'best friend' than a long term partner?
.

I really agree with this part of your post that I highlighted, although I would go further and say it's not just men, but women too. A lot of people are scared of being alone and would rather be in a relationship that is not the right one.

I think people should only get married if they are completely sure it is what they want. Getting married and having children is difficult and stressful enough when it is your real choice.

Honestly, OP, I think you are being selfish and that you are possibly denying your partner the chance of having a family. It's not fair. Your time is not limited, hers is. So put her first and whether you love her or not, if you really don't want to marry her, set her free. It may break her heart in the short term, but if you ruin her chances of having a family, you will break her heart in the long term and she will never forgive you.

Errata

People get married because it never occurs to them to do anything else. Let the GF go so she can find someone to spend the rest of her days with the way she wants to, because that clearly isn't you.
You can't have your cake and eat it. You shouldn't behave like dog with a bone.