Advice Please – not sure whether to get married or split up...

Old_Joe

Find it hard to believe that after knowing this girl for six years you are not certain about marrying her. How long do you need to be sure enough of your feeling towards her? Sounds as though you're too inmature make any COMMITTMENT towards any relationship.

wellard

been married three times,this time for 25 years you,ll never know if it,ll work until you try,but remember all the things you use to do as a single person have to be forgotten,it comes with growing up and not wanting to be alone as you get older

C_Mababejive

What are you really afraid of?

Is it the big C..? Commitment?

Do you think your life will be more restricted/come to an end in some way?

If you really dont want to get married then the very least you owe to this girl is to finally be honest and let her go find someone who will fit with what she wants.

Whats the alternative? To banish her to a childless life? That is a greater crime.

For those girls out there is similar positions,id recommend finding a nice guy who is maybe 5 years older. I think you will find a slightly older man will be more appreciative and understanding...generalising of course.

divorcingjack

Hi a-non-y-mous,

Are you my OH?

If you hadn't said about the ages, I wold have put money on it being him. My heart stopped when I read your first couple of sentences. This is so hard - I am in a similar situation to yourself, but from the other side. I have been with OH for 6.5 years, and have recently been through counselling to try and deal with getting married or not.

I would love to get married and have kids. OH tells me that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and have children together. We have a house together, shared life and he makes me so happy.

BUT - he won't get married. He just won't.

Why not try counselling? I moved out from our house to friends when we had a really hurtful 1am beach based argument. Lots of things were said. Horrible things, but I found out more about my OH than I ever thought possible.

After 6 years, you owe her some way of coping with the possible end of the relationship. If it can't be saved, then the counselling may help both of you deal with the breakup better.

My nightmare is that we break up, and then he suddenly decides that "he's ready" for marriage, and the next girl that comes along strikes the jackpot.

I'm sorry, I haven't been very helpful, but I do know how difficult it is for your OH and I feel sorry for her. (not that you are a bad person btw..)

summerday

I hope you're ok OP?

Do you have similar values and opinions on most things? With my ex, I was very in love with him but we had very different upbringings and views on important things, and I think that was always going to stop us being happy together.

If you feel she's not letting you be yourself by not letting you pursue your interests etc, then you need to confront her about this, as you will of course feel resentful otherwise, and you both need to keep some of your own interests and spend time apart, this is beneficial to both of you.

LegalBlonde

How can you even consider getting married, just do the right thing she will thank you for it in the long term. No matter how devestated she is, or you both are, that is a world away from what she would feel if she knew you were hiding your feelings! I have to laugh at even the threads on crap Xmas presents etc when people are like "Oh well I do this and my OH doesn't know and it is much better", I don't think I have a passing interesting thought that i don't share with my OH, so how you could contemplate spending your life with her is beyond me.

If you have any thought for her at all, let her go. I agree with Takoda.

However it looks like you have been told here what you knew all along but did not want to face, so you probably won't be back

I probably come across as harsh, but there are alot worse things in life, people losing loved ones etc through no choice or fault of their own, life is far too short do both of you a favour and get out.

On that very note, I am off to watch Eastenders! Go Christian! x

Buddingblonde

a-non-y-mous wrote: »

We are both over 30.

I don't want us to split up - I love her - we have built our lives around each other, bought a house together, socialise together etc etc.

I feel terrible because she has been saying for years that if I don't want to get married then then there must be a reason and I must let her know before its too late.....I have dragged out making a decision for years as I don't want to split up.

What if its just me being crap with 'feelings' and we end up splitting up and I have made the worst decision of my life?

ETA: There are no obvious reasons for me being against marriage - strong family background etc.

She is so sure I'm the one she wants the concept of breaking her heart I find unbearable.

Without meaning to be, you have actually been rather cruel to OH - you have known for a long time that she is not the one (if she was you wouldnt have these doubts) and instead of making the break sooner you have allowed her to believe that it wasnt an issue of marriage and babies etc but of when would be the right time.

Men can have families at any time whereas woman only have up to their early 40's to biologically have a family. With every year that passes the odds of her having a family (more than one child) reduce. It is really cruel to knowingly leave her hanging on when you are certain that you want these things you dont want them with her.

Do the right thing and dont be a coward any longer - end it. Who knows, the time apart might make you both see the future a lot clearer. Certainly I know of a couple of friends who have split and then realised that they were each others "the one". They started dating again and rather than rushing in and living together they woo'd each other again and got married, and had babies and lived happily ever after.

It wont be easy but you must do it - if you have ever felt anything for her then you owe her. Good luck x

aliasojo

a-non-y-mous wrote: »

What if its just me being crap with 'feelings' and we end up splitting up and I have made the worst decision of my life?

How are you with other emotional areas of your life? Relationships with parents, siblings, mates etc?

Do you ever have strong feelings about relationships involving them?

I think perhaps it's important to first establish whether your natural character allows you to feel deeply or whether you are a 'surface person' who is happy when he's left to go with the flow but feels anxious and doubting when more is expected of him emotionally. We're all made differently and just because others say 'you would know if it was right' does not necessarily mean that's accurate for your make-up iyswim.

MY OH and I had counselling sessions at one point in our relationship and I think it might be useful for you too, to settle a few basics first before you end what seems to be a good relationship.

One thing though, as much as you are having to reconcile your own feelings, your girlfriend is probably feeling the same right now. She will have to make some hard decisions herself and weigh up how important marriage and children are to her. I do think it's unfair to have this situation continue and you do need to jump one way or the other.

Good luck whatever you decide.

Glitzkiss

I'm probably completely wrong here and as I tend to view relationships in a different light to almost everyone else I know I fully expect everyone to disagree with me.

To me it sounds like you are scared you will be trapped in a marriage where you love your wife and children but have no personal freedom to the point where you feel suffocated. You and your GF clearly have different interests (she wants to spend all her time with you sometimes doing nothing whereas you need your space and hobbies) and this is something you have to talk to her about. It sounds like you do want her in your life and have a family with her but you also need respite to do your own things. If she can accept this and you can come to a reasonable compromise then perhaps it can work out.

Of course I may be wrong and you don't believe your wife and children will completely control your life. In which case ignore me

however you do need to resolve this and if you and your GF can't find a solution set her free to find someone else.

Morglin

a-non-y-mous wrote: »

Another ‘new’ username here from a MSE regular - seems strange posting this in a MSE forum but I just wanted to get a fresh opinion on things and my friends are useless at this type of thing and I’ve had some good advice from here on non MSE things in the past.

To summarise first I basically cannot figure out my current relationship in my own head and am now (rightly) being pressured into facing up to it.

I have been in a relationship for 6 years now, great girl and we socially get on well etc, but we are polar opposites. This used to be fine but now as we get older I feel we each becoming more ‘like ourselves’ and its unsettling me. She is very emotional and wants to spend all our time together but not necessarily doing things – I am really active and like my individual hobbies, making things, time doing stuff myself.

I have been getting significant pressure into getting married for several years now but always avoided the topic – basically as I just am not sure “she’s the one”. I am not an emotional person at all so am struggling to get that gut feeling that everyone else seems to.

I really believe in marriage but when I do it I want it to be “right” but currently I have this niggling feeling that I will mess it up, potentially ending up splitting up and with kids in the mix.

This has come to a head after years of me avoiding marriage commitment with the inevitable discussion of kids and biological clocks. Basically the g/f does not want to be left high and dry with no chance of a family. I do want a family, marriage etc but again I have this fear of committing to her – especially with kids.

I do love her and enjoy going out with her but the idea of a lifelong commitment to her (or anyone else) petrifies me.

I am now in the situation where I have to face up to things and figure out my head or she with have no chance of having a family (with or without me).

I have this awful feeling that unless I can feel certain, then we should split up – but that is not something I want to do and I know it would devastate her.

I’m not sure any of this is making sense – I have considered going to see someone to help me extract some sense from my head – do you think that would help?

I feel like all my friends don’t seem to have the doubts I do – I’m not sure if I am thinking too much and should just go ahead and commit.

How can I sort my head out? I'm normally a problems solver and desisive person but 'problems of the heart' are beyond me!

If in doubt, don't get wed.

Sort out what you want from life before you get married to anyone.

Lin