Advice Please – not sure whether to get married or split up...

Spuddle

Have to agree.

If you need to come here doubting your relationship, then dont drag her along any longer

swiss69

I am not with the majority on this one.

I had been married before and just wasn't sure if I should do it again or have kids. After 7 years it was coming to crunch time and my partner was 30 something and getting a bit edgy in terms of her future.

I am not emotional either, dont believe in this "soul mate" nonsense (If there are 5 million women within 5 years of your age in this country then there must be more than one compatible person out there!)

However I had a decision to make and that was to let her go and fulil her her dreams of marriage and a child or make the commitment myself.

I loved her too much to let her go and went ahead with the marriage idea despite nagging doubts.

Since we married, the doubts have gone and I know now that I made the correct decision 100%. I am very happy now and looking forward to our future.

If you love her and cant imagine life without her in your life then maybe you should bite the bullet too. As long as she gives you the freedom to do the things you like without getting too clingy then there is no reason why two people who appear very different cannot have a happy relationship.

If she stops you doing things you want to do and is possessive then that is a different matter and needs addressing before you take things further as the resentment will get to you eventually.

a-non-y-mous

Thanks for talking the time to answer all.

I have not shed a tear in years but hearing you all say (type?) what I probably know deep down genuinely upsets me.

Worst thing is my feelings have not changed in years and I constantly grief by my g/f for not giving straight answers to why I don't want to get married.

She keeps repeating that I should know and that she thinks I will leave her high and dry and go off to find someone else........looks like I might end up doing that

I'm not going to be able to read this again until tomorrow.

Suppose I'm going to have to figure out how to go about this, really really not looking forward to it.

Errata

How about telling her you've realised that although you love each other you will never be able to give her what she wants and you love and respect her enough to not want to tie her down to an unproductive and increasingly at odds relationbnship.
Be courteous, it's would be easy for you to say 'it's not you, it's me' but in this case don't, because it's both of you wanting very different things from life which neither of you can give each other.

Takoda

Sounds like you're a selfish git and she'd be better off without you.

HTH

Odette

Takoda wrote: »

Sounds like you're a selfish git and she'd be better off without you.

HTH

I dont think hes selfish, he is going to do the right thing after coming to terms with his feelings. Many people couldnt do any better. I know I personally dragged out a relationship that wasnt going anywhere and cheated rather than tell the man I was with I couldnt be bothered. I was a coward and hopefully OP is gonna do the right thing.

OP be strong and be truthful. Good luck to you.

lostinrates

Errata wrote: »

How about telling her you've realised that although you love each other you will never be able to give her what she wants and you love and respect her enough to not want to tie her down to an unproductive and increasingly at odds relationbnship.
Be courteous, it's would be easy for you to say 'it's not you, it's me' but in this case don't, because it's both of you wanting very different things from life which neither of you can give each other.

I think this is good advice. Also, I was chatting to DH and his reply surprised be being closest to swiss69's reply. He told me lots of our male chums have confded in him they feel the pressure to get married and that they aren't sure ...and he referenced people I'm surprised about in our social circle! It seems this marry or split thing is fairly common, and that a number of our friends who were feeling this way ove rthe flast few years have gone on to marry, or just drift on, only one DH spoke of has split...and I'm told is now saying the same of his new relationship. And men say women are complex and strange!

daska

Takoda wrote: »

Sounds like you're a selfish git and she'd be better off without you.

HTH

Actually the selfish thing to do would be to string her along until it's too late for her to have kids safely and then dump her.

Better late than never OP, but if her clock is ticking you might get no wriggle room to change your mind if you later discover that you should have made the commitment.

JBD

OP, I think you have to decide what the real issue is here. Is it that you don't really want to get married and have children at all , or do you think that you want to do this with someone else?. You have already been with this girl for 6 years, you say you get on well and seem to be fairly compatible, I'm not really sure what else there should be? Perhaps you have just settled into that stage where you are both comfortable with each other rather than that 1st flush of passion. I'm sure there are many thousands of successful marriages and relationships around, with or without children, built on similar foundations. Perhaps you just need to be a little bit more realistic about your own expectations.

bluebell13

a-non-y-mous wrote: »

Thanks for talking the time to answer all.

I have not shed a tear in years but hearing you all say (type?) what I probably know deep down genuinely upsets me.

Worst thing is my feelings have not changed in years and I constantly grief by my g/f for not giving straight answers to why I don't want to get married.

She keeps repeating that I should know and that she thinks I will leave her high and dry and go off to find someone else........looks like I might end up doing that

I'm not going to be able to read this again until tomorrow.

Suppose I'm going to have to figure out how to go about this, really really not looking forward to it.

Okay, how about looking into the future......you split up and 3 years down the line you pass her in the street with a new man and a baby. How would that make you feel? Would you feel desperately jealous and think 'that should have been me'? Or would you just feel genuinely pleased that she had got what she really wanted?. If you answer is the first one then maybe stay and work things through, but if it's the latter, then you need to let her go, however painful it may be at the time.