Advice Please – not sure whether to get married or split up...

funky_76

New to MSE and just read this post. How did you get on with the counselling? Hope you have managed to talk to your g/f and started to get things sorted out one way or another.
Keep us updated.

belfastgirl23

Yes hope it went well OP!

dizziblonde

I went through similar very very recently from the other side of things. We had the wedding booked, had been trying for kids for over 2 years (had begun infertility investigations) and then he dropped the bombshell that he didn't know if he loved me anymore. People describe your heart breaking - it felt more like it was being ripped apart like a lump of play dough to be honest.

Because he wasn't sure, and because I had a fairly good hunch prior to that that he was depressed (he'll never ever admit it - but I know him well enough to read him like a book!), I offered him the chance to split (even though it would make me homeless) - he didn't want to take that, worried like you were that he was making a mistake and wanting to be sure.

Waited it out - went through Christmas, he started to relax a bit, seemed to come out of the depression he was in - and we're working through things, he's realized he loves me, and (touch wood) - I think we're on the mend. In his case my hunch was right (think the posters on here had me down as some besotted woman kidding herself - and I was worried myself about that), he'd had the natural wibbles about doing the right thing settling down, and, because he's quite idealistic (and slightly naive in a good sense) about how life should run, he'd worried himself into such a state over "if I'm marrying this woman I should have no doubts whatsoever and omg is this me making a mistake and doing the wrong thing" and trying to do the right thing - he'd completely lost the plot about many things and got himself into a complete mess... in our case I knew him well enough to know that time was likely to iron that bit of things out.

I'd offered to cancel the wedding - he didn't want to do that, so it's currently booked, but still uncertain whether it'll go ahead on our original date or it'll be postponed - I've been through so much pain, so many secret crying sessions in the bathroom and car - I've not got the hurt left in me to be upset if it doesn't go ahead - I'm just glad we seem to be on the mend with baby steps but I'm starting to dare to let myself believe we'll make it.

It's slightly rambly - but the point I guess I'm trying to make is that sometimes it's not as cut and dried as split/hitch with instant decisions. If I'd pushed my fella to make a decision when he dropped the bombshell on me - he'd more than likely have jumped to the split option, and it would have been the wrong choice - he wasn't in a state of mind to make any decisions, indeed he'd sat there sobbing that he didn't know about anything in his life anymore at that time. Perhaps you're doing similar - pressing yourself to produce an instant answer when time's needed to make your thoughts clearer? We needed that time to talk, and just to relax and remember why we were with each other - and we had a heck of a lot of fun to be honest, figuring out how to cook Christmas dinner etc - in order to clarify feelings. You still need to be open with her about how you're feeling though.

a-non-y-mous

An update from me (OP) – things not horrific but not brilliant.

I had my appt booked at relate but the snow came down and Relate did not answered their phone all last week (going to try again today).

I did not realise but I was so pent up I felt like I was going to explode so when the Relate appointment fell through its really effected me

Not sleeping well, grinding teeth, not talking much, feel on the verge of tears all the time – very very unlike me. Normally I am very perky, happy and certainly never emotional

Obviously I have not been able to hide this from my g/f but I really didn’t want to ‘open the floodgates’ until I had spoken to Relate but the constant delays are really dragging it out and there is only so long I can keep saying ‘nothings wrong’ when she knows there is.

I attempted to talk to my best mate over a pint about it on Saturday – was desperate to talk to someone but he was useless and just avoided talking about it – that really didn’t help!

I know I have to talk to my g/f about what is going on, aware I am currently being unfair but I really wanted to talk to someone else first.

Edit – Just spoken to Relate – Have got and appointment tomorrow.

I have a non drinking weekend at home this weekend so I think that is when I will talk this through – would also give me a some time post Relate.

I await the grief I am about to get for dragging this out! In my defence I am certain that as soon as we start talking about this she will be very upset, not sleep etc so I don’t want to do it when she will no doubt have to work the next day (she has a demanding and pretty stressful job)

Pepzofio

a-non-y-mous wrote: »

I await the grief I am about to get for dragging this out! In my defence I am certain that as soon as we start talking about this she will be very upset, not sleep etc so I don’t want to do it when she will no doubt have to work the next day (she has a demanding and pretty stressful job)

I can understand you wanting to wait until after the Relate appointment before speaking to your OH - and you can hardly be blamed for the weather - but to me, the bit above in bold sounds dangerously like just another excuse to put it off for a bit longer. I can see you getting to Friday and thinking, "Well, I don't really want to ruin her weekend after she's worked so hard all week..."

It doesn't really stand up to close scrutiny either. It is going to take longer than one day/night for her to stop feeling upset - more like weeks or months - so unless she has the most important work presentation of her life coming up I doubt the timing is going to make that much difference. And if, as you've already said, she can tell something is up, she's already going to be pretty stressed out & likely to be losing sleep over it anyway. Sometimes the anticipation can be as bad - or even worse - that the actual thing.

digitalphase

Hi, I have been following this thread but haven't commented before now.

You sound extremely stressed by all this, and it seems to me as if your gut feeling is to break up, but understandably you are fearful of the repercussions. I think this has been playing on your mind a lot for you to feel like you are on the verge of tears all the time. Can I ask whether you are on any medication for depression? I know you said that these are new feelings for you, so just wondered as you do sound depressed.

I can see it from both sides, but as a woman I'd much prefer my OH be honest with me, especially after 6 years together, about whether he wanted children/marriage. That way I still have time to settle into a relationship where I can get what I want. It's very hard when you love your partner, but if you do not go with your heart and what you truly want, you will always regret it and this could turn into resentment.

I hope you can get some answers with Relate, and that they can help you. Please let us know how it goes.

Errata

You're GF knows there is something seriously wrong, and telling her 'nothing' only makes it worse for her, and is very dishonest.
It doesn't matter if you talk to her on a Tuesday evening or a Friday evening, the following days will be dreadful for her. It seems to me the sooner you talk to her the better and using the excuse 'she'll be upset for work' is a bit tame. She'll already be pretty upset.
Bite the bullet and stop procrastinating. We all cope better with what we know than the things we suspect but don't know.

DKLS

From experience there is never a 'right time' to deliver bad news, when I realised that I had fallen out of love with my ex, I cowardly hung on 2/3 months waiting for the right time, there wasnt one, and sadly it all came out in my case on valentines day when she asked where my card was.

valos_mummy

DKLS wrote: »

From experience there is never a 'right time' to deliver bad news, when I realised that I had fallen out of love with my ex, I cowardly hung on 2/3 months waiting for the right time, there wasnt one, and sadly it all came out in my case on valentines day when she asked where my card was.

Ouch!!!:eek: Please don't drag it out OP, the longer you leave it, the more it will hurt. She won't be thinking about the length you took considering her feelings, she'll be wondering how long you've felt like this and lied to her.

belfastgirl23

Also it's nearly worse to do it on a weekend, depending on what kind of support system she has. Having to go to work might be the only thing that keeps her functioning!