Advice Please – not sure whether to get married or split up...

Counting_Pennies_2

I haven't had a chance to read all the responses, but I have flicked through your posts and I think you might just be a bit confused.

you say you love her, you are devastated she has moved out and you see the month ahead being very long. I would say you are answering your own question.

Commitment is a big thing, but haven't you already done this by moving in. Marriage and babies are just things that come along afterwards if all is still going well.

You say things are going well (or were!)

Everyone is nervous about the commitment, if you weren't I would question if you were doing the right thing. Going head long into something without thinking seriously would be something concerning.

I think perhaps look into proper counselling. If this counsellor doesn't think she has experienced anything like this before, she doesn't sound best placed to help.

Why not have a look on this website
http://www.bacp.co.uk/
Look for someone locally who you might be able to see twice a week, to try to crack this before the month deadline is up.

Not everyone gets hit by lightning to know they are the one, and it is a bonus if you have different thoughts, it would be dull if you thought the same way about one another.

In terms of her wanting to be around you more, that is just a nice thing to want. If that is too claustrophobic, tell her so, and make sure you do somethings separately.

Good luck

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

And, presumably, if you were to see her with someone else in the meantime, your feelings would be what exactly?

You seem to be assuming that she will be willing to wait on you indefinitely, she won't cope without you and that the only way you can feel better/sure is to hurt her (your words) and see how it feels for you?

You (and she) may be surprised just how well she does without the stress of living with someone who doesn't show affection and has effectively sent her away whilst he sorts his head out...

Lotus-eater

a-non-y-mous wrote: »

We have a very active and busy life so having a very quiet month will be strange. Its only been half a day and I’m already realising I hardly get any calls/texts/emails without her.

a-non-y-mous wrote: »

I feel so miserable – its going to be a long month.

Long month, it's going to be a long rest of your life if you don't save your relationship.
If you want to, make up your mind fast and do it soon, she's out talking/going out with, her mate, other mates, you my friend have a very limited time before she decides what she wants and that might not be you.

If you want her and you wait a month, you are a fool.

elektra-2007

Read your own post...you have already answered your own questions, your just waiting for other people to tell you. You say its not going to work out and you have doubts....well there you go.
Is it that you have just stayed on the same track because its familiar and suits you....we all do it. But if you think anything of this Lady, you should let her go so she can find someone who does want comitment and children. Im sure you would hate to be the other person being dragged along.
Sorry to be blunt and know it will hurt you and her to do it, but it will hurt her more to hang around another 3/4 yrs hoping you will change your mind and maybe miss the chance of happiness, that goes for you aswell, if shes not the one...your never going to meet "the one" stuck in a relationship thats taking all your time up.
Good Luck I hope you find what you are looking for.

lilmissmup

I still think you are my ex too reading this.

I don't think you are selfish though but I also don't agree you will automatically get back together after one month.

I still love my ex but time and time since we split he has told me he can't commit to what he wants from life and if your girlfriend is anything like me than the kindest thing you can do is to let her go, properly though, my ex still says he loves me which yes maybe he does but we want different things and I am grateful he left before we got married and had kids etc.

You might meet someone else in your future who makes you feel that spark and you know you want marriage with them, yes that might hurt your ex as it probably will be when if/ it happens with my ex but you need to think of you, if you married her then decided it was a mistake it would be worse.

Just to add as well though if she really loves you I don't think after one month she would have moved on that quickly. I know I don't want my ex back now but I do still love him and haven't been on a date or anything yet and its been six months nearly since my split. It took me about 4 months to realise he was right for leaving as much as it hurt but he does still email me with his feelings still sometimes, don't do that to your ex, yes you will be very lonely too but it will be best for you both unless the councelling/time apart really changes things.

I will keep reading to see how things go

Kirri

Lotus-eater wrote: »

Long month, it's going to be a long rest of your life if you don't save your relationship.
If you want to, make up your mind fast and do it soon, she's out talking/going out with, her mate, other mates, you my friend have a very limited time before she decides what she wants and that might not be you.

If you want her and you wait a month, you are a fool.

I was thinking the same. If I was in her position, after the initial shock and wanting to stay together, over a month I would probably get angry, get myself together and decide no one would mess me around like that again!

Plus there are usually other male friends around waiting to step in and offer some comfort!

dizziblonde

I've just waited over three months for my fella to work out similar issues in his head (albeit without the moving out to stay with friends thing)... but I was 100% sure on the relationship and working on a very good hunch that I knew what was up with him. Not all women will run away at the first hurdle.

For what its worth - the fact you can't just draw a line and end it kind of indicates to me that there's something potentially worth salvaging in the relationship and that there are still feelings there. Whether they're ones that can longer term move into wanting to get married - time needs to tell you that one, it's not something that you're going to get the answers to instantly.

laz001

Reading this thread has been one of the most bizarre experiences I could ever expect right now.

Basically...A-Nony-Mous, however you spell it...I am going through EXACTLY the same situation...to the LETTER and time.

4 year relationship verging on 5 years. We get on really well, family likes me and her, friends do as well. And I am very content as well. When I met her, I came out of a really bad old relationship, and she was stable and reliable and it was perfect for me. However, as you get comfortable with eachother, time can just 'pass you by'.

Then one day...the thought of the future strikes you. Do I want to be with this person forever, commit to marriage (and by default children), because isn't there someone out there who does make me truely happy (walking on air smiling ALL the time, crazy deeply madly in love happy?) rather than 'content'.

And this is what has happened to me. 6 months ago, the topic was raised, and it gets you thinking. I'm not sure about this...and the phrase I keep repeating to myself is:

'if it was really the right thing to do...i would be dying to get married to you tomorrow, so since i am dreading getting married and having kids...surely that tells me the answer'.

Anyway, to some of the posters on here who have been very critical and accused this guy of being cruel/nasty/waste of space etc etc...you have obviously never been in the situation.

Could you really easily tell someone you really care about that you don't want to marry them...? Why? Becuase you don't love them enough? They are not the one? Is it in your own head? Will you regret it? So many questions. It's really hard, and personally, has tortured me for months and months, sleepless nights, forcing a smile, always on the verge of tears.

So, A-nony-mous...here's where my story differs ever so slightly. I met someone a few months ago who completely rocked my world. We met up, talked, did activities together, and a feeling so intense I have never felt anything like it grew between us, she really could have been the ONE, I could have married her then and there and accepted any flaws she may have had in the future.

And what did I do? Nothing, I didn't act on it...since it's the 'right' thing to do. I turned her down to be loyal to my g/f.

And I really believe I regret it. She got over me, and won't talk to me. I'm now back to reality realizing that I will never feel with my g/f what I felt for this other person. So, I have been getting sadder, older and felt such an immense pressure to do something aobut it and recently told her I how I feel. That I don't want to marry her, or have kids with her. Becuase maybe I'm not in love with her, but I just don't know, because it's such an overwhleimg rush of emotion that you just cannot see straight. Having to tell someone is just as awful as being told.

It's so awful having to do it, hurting someone you care about in the most horrid way. Things are going to be very weird now since we live together...and I think we need to split to see 'how we feel'. But I feel SO guilty, because she is obviously in love with me...but I cannot ever give her everything she deserves.

So, Anonymous, funnily enough, I am going through a really similar predicament as you are and I really sympathise.

a-non-y-mous

Laz001,

This 'other girl' - do you not think you just felt the excitement and passion that you get in any new relationship?

I am currently 4 days into our 'break' and it and very concious that in reality I probably have a week or so to get my head together and contact her or loose her forever. I said no contact for a month but in reality I said that so that she would not be constantly checking her phone or disappointed if I did not call.

Do I miss her? Yes. In a heart-wrenching way? No, but my concern is that I do not think I can feel that about anyone.

I am someone that is always busy and I am having to force myself to take time everyday to focus on our relationship and not just fill my time sorting out the non-relationship chaos of my life. I think unless I forced myself to face it I could while away a couple of months before it really came home that I had split with her.

It still has not really sunk in and I desperately want it to.

I have my second (or first proper) session at relate tomorrow and am hoping to get something from it - if not I will be looking for another 'head-doctor' and attempting to go twice a week.

I have this feeling that maybe I'm just not cut out for this 'love' malarkey......

Bananabelly

I would absolutely agree with what you said in your last post Anon. When you met someone and there is a strong spark, you feel completely different and wonderful, but that just can't last forever, you can build on it to make a successful relationship, but things change over time.

My ex had no concept of what a 'normal' relationship was like, and thought it should be all bells and whistles and madly in love, never fighting or disagreeing (he used to take it as a personal insult and sulk if I disagreed with him about almost anything). He really thought there was something wrong because we weren't still in those initial lovey-dovey phases 7 years later. For the first 2 years or so though, he thought it was perfect and wanted to get married, etc etc (thank god I didn't!). His parents split and he had never seen a normal, happy stable relationship and I think this had a lot to do with it. When we broke up he was 34 and told me then he was worried he would never get married and have a family. He has now got engaged to someone he has been seeing less than a year, and while I hope he is happy I am fairly sure he is in that initial stage where everything is wonderful, etc and I wonder what will happen when he takes off his rose-coloured glasses.

You are trying to work it out Anon, and you are trying to do your very best to be fair to both yourself and your partner. Good on you for having that courage.