Advice Please – not sure whether to get married or split up...

londoner1998

Hey, Anonymous

contrary to what other people think, I don;t think you are selfish, I think you are very brave for confronting yourslef about this issue.

You know, reading through your last post, one think struck me hard (and I can relate to it)- Fear.
You fear you migth end up in a slipt family, you fear you might not be ideally suited to each other, you fear your emotional intelligence is zero. What is your fear about?

Well, you know- fear is human. But fear is dangerous- it stops us from doing things, from fulfilling our potential and facing challenges. It paralizes people and make people do horrible things sometimes. Somebody said to me once-'walk on the edge between courage and caution'- I'll never forget it, becasue it opened a new world of possibility for me, one in which I am much more aware of how much fear rules our behaviour.

It seems to me that if you care about doing the wrong thing and hurting your girlfriend, you still care. You keep beating yourself up for not tackling this earlier, but who is to say when is the right time? You are doing that now. Why are you feeling fear? Why are you feeling guilty? What about?
I think these are very interesting questions that we all face sooner or later and they might help you get thorugh this. It is not easy, but i think you are on the right track.
I too have gone thorugh periods of 'not knowing' and also' not feeling'. But I have waited out. No relationship is ever perfect, and you need to accept that (greener grass, etc...).
Good luck with it and keep posting- just putting it in writing will help you. Don't deny yourself the possibility to be happy, in whatever way that is meant to be.

Axx

Errata

a-non-y-mous wrote: »

Well, had my first ‘session’ – not sure what I think. We only had a short time but she touched on some interesting stuff. After talking her through my feelings and what help I was after (a bit of help gaining clarity and deciphering my thoughts) she actually said she did not know whether we should split up or stay together and was as confused as me! One of my concerns is that she said that I was very unusual and she had never heard of a situation like it – responses from this thread beg to differ. She also had trouble recollecting some pretty famous personality type tests (Myres Briggs) which made me wonder if I have gone to the right place.

My g/f has taken it really badly, went out with a friend from work to talk about things and came back very drunk and tried to talk things through with me – I hate talking about serious things when either of us has had a drink. I have a feeling she will move out in the next few days as all she wants to do is talk about it all the time and I have nothing to tell her.

She does understand and is pleased that I am attempting to tackle it but is devastated and can’t stop crying. I’m getting about 5 long emails a day telling me exactly why she thinks I am the one for her.

Whole thing makes me sad but somehow does not feel real – like it has not properly sunk in yet. I am still really worried that I am making a huge mistake by considering splitting up. So much is right – its just this tiny niggle in the back of my head tainting everything.

Of course the Relate counsellor doesn't know if you should split or stay. That's your job, not theirs, and possibly they seemed confused because you actually didn't explain things that clearly, something thats pretty difficult to do in an hours session.

Why did you bring up Myers Briggs during your session? What did you hope to gain, other than to test her knowledge of personality types and traits?
If you spent 5 minutes nattering about MB. that's 5 minutes you didn't have to spend talking about your feelings, Often clients will talk about anything other than what they should be talking about, so steer yourself in the right direction or expect to be steered.
Giving serious consideration to whether to spend the rest of your life with someone or not is not a mistake it's maturity, give it free reign.

a-non-y-mous

The Myers Briggs thing was brought up by her but she was struggling to talk about it, by sheer chance I was going on a MB training day with work the following day so I knew a bit about it and was able to 'fill in the gaps'. It just surprised me.

I know its minor and Relate have a good reputation but I was wondering if they are right for me. They must have wedge loads of experience but I get the impression (but am not sure) that they have no external training or mandated external qualifications.

But that said she did talk about some good stuff – highlighting how my family is also ‘lacking emotion’ and showed their love by doing things and helping as opposed to talking about it, hugs etc – I’m exactly the same.

I think I’m just being paranoid and will definitely give it another session – you don’t need slips of paper to be good at your job.

Errata

Stick it out, you've only had an hour so far which is always an exploratory session. If you then feel unable to do some significant work with this particular counsellor, ask if you can see another on or find a private counsellor through British Association of Counselling website.
The MB discussion perhaps is a little surprising, but possibly the way you dealt with it gave the counsellor some insight into who/what you are and how you function. It may certainly told them something about your intellectual abilty, communication skills when your emotions aren't involved, where you are in the world of work.
Slips of paper are handy indicators, but they only indicate.

You might find this http://www.livinglifetothefull.com/ helpful if you want to discover why you tick and tock the way you do. It's approved by the NHS.
HTH

a-non-y-mous

There was a post earlier where the poster said that while they were going through counselling they had to move out.

That’s just happened to me, she’s moved out.

Basically I came in last night and we just could not pretend to be ‘normal’, she kept a constant stream of questions. She, understandably, wants the answer now and couldn’t think of anything else when she was around me.

At first she was angry and stomped around packing her stuff up, I just felt nothing, like it was not really happening. Then I broke and sobbed and wailed like a child, couldn’t stand, just curled in to a ball – I have never felt like that and certainly never cried like that.

We stayed up talking about it pretty much all night, I sort of am beginning to see my thoughts clearer. There was something relieving about having such a huge emotional outburst – made me realise that I do have emotions and I do care.

We have agreed to have no contact for a month then meet up at a pub, she is staying with her friend as opposed to me moving out as she did not want to be by herself.

After my outbursts I nearly though ‘what am I doing, I’m making a huge mistake’ but I sort of know that we have to do this and go through this as we could not go on like before. Maybe I have to risk everything just to figure out how I would feel without her.

I know that I may have done irreparable damage to our relationship, even if I later realise she is the person I cannot live without but I feel its a risk I had to take.

She got up at 6 this morning and left – I was going to get up before her and leave but she did not want to be in the flat by herself.

I feel so miserable – its going to be a long month.

Twinny99

I think you are very brave. The cowardly thing would be to just have just gone along with it all for the sake of a quiet life and then bailed out in years to come, or had an affair. In any event it would have been horrible for you, her, and any possible children.

At least you have been open, honest and faced up to your feelings and worries. Even going along for counselling - I dont know ANYONE that would have done that.

I hope the month apart brings you clarity of thought and all the answers you need. Thank you for sharing your story with us.

mr218

being honest, open and miserable is better than being repressed, living a lie and wondering what if.

your gf is great and is actually taking things in her hands and making it easier for you. she could have just been clingy and tried to 'change' you. but she wants you to figure it out for your long term happiness.

dont think this time will be all miserable and lonely. try to have a bit of fun but also spend time on introspection and meditation. write down your thoughts and feelings everyday in a diary no matter how incoherent, illogical or mundane they may be. looking over it later you can see if there are any themes of thoughts which consistently emerge from these entries. these could be thoughts about you, your gf, family, future etc etc

good luck

Diane1961_2

Dear a-non-y-mous
Welcome to the human race, you're doing really well.
Try not to do everything right NOW!
Relationships (married, living together, dating, parenting, working, friendships) are always work in action, they are always fluid and changing, and always need attention. The relationship with yourself is the one I'm not hearing about and is the foundation for every single interaction you have with with universe. You have taken baby steps to you, the relationship with the g/f will unfold as you develop. Please be gentle and patient with both of you. The requirement for becoming a husband/partner/father is not that you guarantee to be in love, great, friendly, thoughtful, kind etc., etc., all of the time. It's not a package, or even an end target. This relationship stuff is a journey, a process. Don't try to hedge your bets, trust that you will be able to deal with whatever choices you make or whatever life hands you - you have so far. Try to stay out of your head as much as possible instead be as still as you can. You don't have to make all of the decisions for the rest of your life today, just deal with today today, and then tomorrow, deal with tomorrow. With love

Stephb1986_2

With your last post it looks like you have already made your decision that "it will be a long month" you know as well as I do that you love your GF deeply but your not sure on the next step of marrige? Perhaps get engaged but have a long one just to make sure of what you want. I can tell that you don't want to lose her over this.

I hope that relate can find the answers for you

Steph xx

a-non-y-mous

Stephb1986 wrote: »

With your last post it looks like you have already made your decision that "it will be a long month" you know as well as I do that you love your GF deeply but your not sure on the next step of marrige? Perhaps get engaged but have a long one just to make sure of what you want. I can tell that you don't want to lose her over this.

I hope that relate can find the answers for you

Steph xx

I have always felt that getting engaged without a firm desire and commitment to be married would have been fobbing the g/f off – potentially making life easier for me but not tackling the ‘real’ issue.

I know it’s a cruel thing to be putting the g/f through all this but there is a part of me that feels I have to know how it feels to not have her there to be able to understand my true feelings.

Unfortunately it seems that the only way I can do this is to really hurt her.

What I am hoping is that in a months time my head is ‘fixed’ and I can truly say she is the one for me and we can start rebuilding our relationship with me mentally committing to her.

I surprised myself yesterday with my own ability for emotion so maybe I will be able to figure this all out.

We have a very active and busy life so having a very quiet month will be strange. Its only been half a day and I’m already realising I hardly get any calls/texts/emails without her.

Thank you for the comment about taking one day at a time and not expecting everything to be resolved immediately – I needed to hear that as I am impatient to get my head sorted. I will have to watch myself as I am a !!!!!! for filling my time with ‘tasks’ and not taking enough time for reflection.