Problem son (sorry long)

karen310

Blackpool_Saver wrote: »

So it's not just my son who behaves like this then.
I have been through all this recently too apart from the stealing, you have my sympathy.
I am told they come round eventually.
I miss my son how he used to be.

My thoughts are with you , I hope they all come round in the end.

choille

Karen - would your partner come round if you phoned him? You could do with some support at the moment with someone present there with you.

I agree with Money maker - you need someone to mediate on this with a sit down - not saying your OH is that person right now, but maybe a family member.
I'm sorry you having all of this going on. Your son really knows how to pull your strings, but maybe he is ill - it's so tricky, but if you feel like not having him at your door tell him that - no one could blame you.
Why do they do these things late on?
((((((((HUGS))))))))

karen310

choille wrote: »

Karen - would your partner come round if you phoned him? You could do with some support at the moment with someone present there with you.

I agree with Money maker - you need someone to mediate on this with a sit down - not saying your OH is that person right now, but maybe a family member.
I'm sorry you having all of this going on. Your son really knows how to pull your strings, but maybe he is ill - it's so tricky, but if you feel like not having him at your door tell him that - no one could blame you.
Why do they do these things late on?
((((((((HUGS))))))))

My partner will be in bed now , by ill I think my son means he needs the loo! I think he is probably just trying to manipulate a way of getting into the house he was very aggressive to my partner this morning and I have told my son because of this I cant let him in, I also said in my last text that I needed to sleep (not that thats very likely) but I am hoping he accepts that, I am exhausted.

Savvy_Sue

The beauty of the mobile phone is that you can switch it off. And at night, and in this situation, I think one should.

You can also unplug the house phone.

And if you get a new SIM card / cheap mobile, and give that number to those you WANT to be in touch with, then you can be in control of when your son contacts you, not the other way round.

Because he had a chance to pick his things up, and that could have included his duvet etc, and should have done if he was sorting out a flat? Or did I dream that bit ...

Tough love: I love you too much to let you think that behaving in this way is OK. ...

Hope you slept OK and without incident, karen

karen310

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

The beauty of the mobile phone is that you can switch it off. And at night, and in this situation, I think one should.

You can also unplug the house phone.

And if you get a new SIM card / cheap mobile, and give that number to those you WANT to be in touch with, then you can be in control of when your son contacts you, not the other way round.

Because he had a chance to pick his things up, and that could have included his duvet etc, and should have done if he was sorting out a flat? Or did I dream that bit ...

Tough love: I love you too much to let you think that behaving in this way is OK. ...

Hope you slept OK and without incident, karen

Not a lot of sleep , he gave up texting at approx 12-45 , began again at 5.30 ish stating he is freezing in his car. I know I should have turned it off , but that seems like an even bigger betrayal. He didnt take his duvet only some clothes.
Although lots of texts , as my partner has pointed out when I rang him , there is none stating anything will be different.
This tough love is so hard

paddy's_mum

If you give in/relent/take pity/ease your heartache now, you will never, ever be free of the hate filled monster that lives inside him. All you will have done is prove to him for all time that he can walk all over you. He will have every reason to believe that with a bit of sweet talking, you'll give in, forbear to demand explanation, and after he so kindly and generously makes you a cup of tea or two, you might even be persuaded to give him some money!

He doesn't have to sleep in his car in sub-zero temperatures. He can go sit in the waiting areas of your nearest hospital, or to the local Police station, pleading homelessness. He can go to the same places he went on all those nights during December when he was mad at you - and you spent day after day worrying about him and night after sleepless night breaking your heart over him! If those places were good enough for him then, they're good enough for him now ... unless of course he has pooped on those people too and can't go back?

You cannot protect him from himself, however hard you try, because he is hell-bent on defying both you and the world. Nothing you do will ever be good enough to satisfy his selfish demands. He sounds like a born bully and if you re-read your opening post, you will see that until recently, he has been able to treat you in a grotesque and appalling fashion. Instead of refusing to endure it, no doubt in an effort to treat him kindly and avoid confrontation, you have just rolled over and endured it. You might do well to find the late December thread by 'despairing mum' about her son and his despicable behaviour towards her. Sometimes we're too close to a problem to see it clearly but can view another's (similar) predicament with absolute clarity. 'beginningtohatexmas' also had similar problems recently and the thoughts there may also be of use to you. Alternatively, might counselling for you help you to see things in a clearer, less distraught light?

I recognise your grief but can you see that there has been a pattern of bad behaviour here? One by one, inexorably, your son has alienated every single person he comes into contact with, even those that began (like siblings) by loving him. You are allowing him to use your love for him against you - you have become the victim of your own loyalty. It is that perception on his part which needs to be changed before the two of you can possibly build a 'normal' [no offence intended but can't find clearer words] mother/son relationship. Ask yourself if your relationships with your other children involve all this manipulation, fear, cover-up and tears - if not, why not?

Until he recognises that it is his own behaviour that is the direct cause of all his troubles, nothing whatever will change. He can only fool himself that really he is an okay person, lovable, deserving of your loyalty and generosity if you allow him to bully you into capitulation and the whole cycle starts over again.

This may be your beloved son but he also appears to be a cold, calculating, spiteful and grasping manipulator. Out of the two of you, which is suffering agonies of mind and heart through no fault of their own?

Only you can decide whether you've had enough. If not, invite him back and watch the bad behaviour, which you have perhaps unwittingly reinforced, continue to deteriorate until your partner can't stand the heat, your other children get fed up seeing your unhappiness or listening to your distressed complaints and start to distance themselves, your health becomes gradually eroded by stress and heartache and the Police are constantly at your doorstep.

I absolutely promise you that I'm not saying these things to be unkind and add to the burdens your son's oppression and unkindness have already created for you. The truth of the matter is that I've been there and done that .. and come out the other side free of this kind of tyranny. Hang on to your courage and keep your chin up - and you'll survive this unhappy episode too. Good luck.

karen310

Thank you Paddy's mum , I know you are right. Basically this morning I ignored all texts/calls , and rang Social services emergency homeless number. At this point may son had texted he was coming round.I told him not to and told him I had rang social services as we needed help. By this point he was at my house. I allowed him to use toilet and he went straight away , I think he has gone to his girlfriends (I dont really know her and dont know her family or even if they know anything) About an hour later a social worker rang me , took some details and also said they had a call logged to them from my son. They ran through what possibilities there is , not much due to his age i.e.deemed an adult. They have just contacted me saying they have found him an emergency bed for tonight in a hostel , my son has asked for me not to know which one , but I do due to what the s/w discussed earlier. Tomorrow he will be directed to the emergency housing dept , but he is not hopeful of a good outcome. My best hope was for something like a "Foyer" where he will get some proper support. At least if he takes them up on this bed for tonight (and I hope he does ) it has to be better than sleeping in his car (which he now assures me has no petrol ). Dont really feel much better , but at least someone else is hopefully involved now.

LegalBlonde

Hi Karen you did the right thing hopefully thing will change, with the Housing Dept etc, but if you are in the same situation again here is what I would do, if you get any texts about coldness etc again put his duvet etc on the doorstep or bottom of the drive and text telling him it is there.

Turn your phone off at night. Text him telling him the first night you are doing it if you want to i.e. I have had no proper sleep for weeks, my phone will be off 11pm-7am so any texts will not be read.

Although it would not really have worked on a Sat night if is "ill" again tell him to go to Tesco's toilet!!!

Where does he have the money to text you all the time??? If it is a contract at your address you know what I am going to say!

skintscotslass

Hello Karen

Not much to add, just wanted to say how much I sympathise with your situation and offer my support (((hugs))). I agree with Paddy's Mum's replies, I think she is spot on.

I'm also inclined to agree with Savvy Sue. Unplug the house phone at night. Get another sim card, you can usually get free sims from quidco. Leave this sim in your phone over night so that if your partner or other children need to get in touch in an emergency, they can.

How did the house viewing go?

SSL xx

thorsoak

Well done, Karen for staying strong! I can only echo what the other posters have said - what you are doing is for his own good - he has behaved appallingly and he needs to learn just how to behave.

You can still love your son to bits - its just his behaviour that you hate!

Stay strong, my dear, you are doing great - and the rest of the family will be behind you!