Problem son (sorry long)

beginningtohatexmas

I'm right back with you today, Karen! just knowing my son is back in town has had me pacing the house with that feeling in the pit of my stomach all day, havent done anything constructive and cant concentrate on anything. especially as dd filled us in on his attitude and the stories he gave his father while they were up there.
hope your heating gets sorted, its freezing, hope your ok.

karen310

beginningtohatexmas wrote: »

I'm right back with you today, Karen! just knowing my son is back in town has had me pacing the house with that feeling in the pit of my stomach all day, havent done anything constructive and cant concentrate on anything. especially as dd filled us in on his attitude and the stories he gave his father while they were up there.
hope your heating gets sorted, its freezing, hope your ok.

Thinking of you too. Well I am certain my son didnt go to the hostel he could have gone to last night. Rightly or wrongly I contacted a colleague of mine for some info on ways someone can move into a "Foyer" , she was really helpful and said she would try and "find" him this morning and hopefully point him in the right direction. Anyway she knows he wasnt there last night , he must have been at his girlfriends or a mates because there was no contact with me , and at -6 outside I expect there would have been if he was in his car. He now has the contact number for this lady and knows she may be able to help , its up to him now , but as yet he has made no contact. I know I shouldnt be doing this , and this is all I am prepared to do , and he obviously sorted himself last night one way or another. But at least I feel I have done something ( I suppose this is to ease my consience more than anything)
As for the heating , the plumber has been and is coming at 9am tomorrow to hopefully get things sorted :T . Like you , I am doing nothing constructive at all except huddling over a plug in radiator , too cold to pace here !!

Blackpool_Saver

karen310 wrote: »

Hug to you , real charmers arent they :mad:

Yes, hug back

BitterAndTwisted

Karen, I can absolutely guarantee that he isn't sleeping in his car nor has he since he stormed off. He's only claiming it to guilt you into giving in. 19 year olds generally have chums of the same age who live at home with their parent/s and no-one I know would see a kid kipping in a car in minus degrees below centigrade. That he hasn't availed himself of the night in the hostel proves it.

Continue to stay firm and he'll either come back to you with his tail between his legs and agree to anything and everything you want from him or he'll learn to stand on his own two feet from now on. Either way: job done

karen310

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

Karen, I can absolutely guarantee that he isn't sleeping in his car nor has he since he stormed off. He's only claiming it to guilt you into giving in. 19 year olds generally have chums of the same age who live at home with their parent/s and no-one I know would see a kid kipping in a car in minus degrees below centigrade. That he hasn't availed himself of the night in the hostel proves it.

Continue to stay firm and he'll either come back to you with his tail between his legs and agree to anything and everything you want from him or he'll learn to stand on his own two feet from now on. Either way: job done

To be honest I dont feel I could have him back here after the aggression , threats etc the other morning. I also found a letter in his room (it was under his bed open , I was making it presentable for the plumber in the morning not snooping ) , stating he had been sacked , which I knew , but for absenteeism , from a date earlier than I was told by him. Basically , he allowed me to lend him money for petrol etc to get to work , and arrange dog walker , when he knew all along he wasnt going to work. Another betrayal which is confirming what I already know , but have been too soft to believe.

BitterAndTwisted

In which case you have absolutely done the right thing, for yourself, your sanity, your safety and for him as well.

despairing_mum

Hi, I came across your thread, and just stopped by to give you a (((hug))).

I know it is really difficult but you have to take a deep breath and remind yourself that you are NOT responsible for his behaviour, or his problems, or for his happiness (or unhappiness).

He is a young adult, and as hard as it is, you have to have more love and respect for yourself. Your son is manipulating you. He is throwing a grenade into the centre of your life, to prove he has the power to control and punish you - and then walking away without a second thought, while you agonise and stress over him, and the situation he has conjured up.

Just stop and think now - can you bear to spend the next 20 years of your life, with him messing with your head and your emotions, and basically taking your love for him and turning it against you, using it to manipulate you and guilt trip you???

Please read my thread. My son is 40. 20 years ago I was where you are now. I tried to help him, I tried tough love. Time and time and time again I believed him when he turned up after months of absence, all charm, helped him to get back on his feet, hoping and praying that this time things really would be different, and all the time feeling ashamed and guilty that I had somehow gone so badly wrong, done something so terrible, to deserve to be treated like this by the child I raised and loved.

Just before christmas I stopped all contact, changed the locks, changed my mobile number. Fortunately I have a male lodger, so I know I am safe as my son is all charm when he around (he doesn't know that my friend has seen the obscene and abusive texts that he has sent me). But on the days when my friend is away, I lay awake scared that my son will turn up at my house.

I don't know why my son has turned against me. But I am sick of pretending to family and friends that everything is okay when it is not. I am sick of covering up for him, making excuses for him because all I am doing is reinforcing his twisted version of reality. I have only a very few close friends, and they all think he is charming - so they aren't that close as I can't talk to them or anyone about this as it seems like such a betrayal.

My life is ruled by him - whether he is there or not. Yet I am not some pathetic little woman - I have a responsible professional position, and am well respected at work, so why do I live this double life?

Please don't be where I am in 20 years time. You deserve so much better.

((((hugs)))))

karen310

Despairing Mum , thank you so much for replying to my thread , by coincidence I read your thread earlier this evening at the recommendation of someone on here. My heart feels for you too, and I can see where I will be if I do not continue to follow this through (no disrepect meant by that). I read back over replies to my posts so often and gather strength from them. This is by far the hardest thing I have ever had to do , but as I read all the replies , which are basically all unanimous , I am more able to keep my resolve. I truly believe I have tried my best for my son , my other children are all in agreement with my determination to change things , they have all suffered by my sons actions at various times , they all also know what good qualities are inside him too (deeply hidden at the moment) No one is saying I should do anything different , my own worst enemy is myself , and I am working on that. I am at a point in my life were I am ready to move on , I am moving house as soon as I am able , I have a lovely understanding (patient) partner , a good job , I have good relationships with my other children and feel I am at a point in my life when I have to think of my future happiness. Whilst I love my son dearly , I cannot jeopardise my future by allowing the cycle to begin again. I hope my son comes through this to be the good person I hope is still inside him , but I realise he has to find that person for himself , I have tried so hard. I think he may have other worries , debts etc , who knows what else , but I cannot fix things for him , he has to realise only he can do that.
I am on pins as the evenings get later , will he begin ringing like the other night , or come to the house , like someone said in an earlier post , "he is your son , not the enemy" and I know that , but my son seems far away at the moment. I hope he returns one day.

paddy's_mum

Well, for once I am going to speak out without going back in the thread to check and if that offends someone ... Who on earth told you that he is "your son, not your enemy" and just how wrong can someone be?

When a person - whoever they are, whatever they are, whether a virtual stranger or the child of your womb - is making other people's lives a misery, causing oceans of tears and mountains of heartbreak, on what basis - exactly - are they behaving differently from an avowed enemy?

I have only just returned from visiting one of my daughters. She lives in a village just outside Aldershot. She is desperately upset these past few days. Guess why? Because she and her child were playschool friends of the mother and child shot dead by the father last week.

Now tell me that someone you love can't be your enemy?!!! :mad:

(It takes a lot to make me swear but by golly, I'm almost spitting here!)

karen310

mumslave wrote: »

Just stay strong karen, he needs to know you mean business. He isnt the enemy, he is your son, but its a parents job to help them stand on their own two feet, sometimes that calls for tough love. Try to remember that x

I understand the spirit in which it was said to me.

So sorry to hear of that awful tragedy , so sad for all concerned.