Problem son (sorry long)

Lets_Say_2

ceecaw wrote: »

You must be a very strong person. You say you hope your son returns one day. you have made it clear to him not to return, when he gets the message that you really mean it, he may never come back.

Ceecaw, have you actually read what the son has done?

Great news Karen, maybe, just maybe, his girlfriend or a mate has talked some sense into him.

ceecaw

Yes Lets Say I have read every word, and appear to have a different opinion of how the situation could have been dealt with, to most others on here, probs best not to share it though as wouldn't be appreciated

karen310

beginningtohatexmas wrote: »

Karen, he will come back - may not be to live, but to have a mature adult relationship with you as his mum - thats the message I have from others that have been in a similar situation and come out the other side - thats the message I am clinging to as well.
He said thanks and has taken his stuff without being abusive or displaying any of the behaviour that brought things to this situation - thats why you feel guilty - your son is still there under the 'idiotic behaviour' behaviour he has displayed recently, take heart from that - you have done a good job.
hark at me! mine hasn't even turned up to get his stuff yet - said it would be today but who knows - dont think he will be saying thanks as he walks off - we are still at the serious attitude stage - god knows when it will end - but couple of glasses of wine has taken the edge off tonight!!!!!

Thank you , I must say "a couple of glasses of wine " have helped me through a big part of this week too !
I am glad it went as well as I could have hoped for , I did say when he came to the door that I wanted us to do this amicably , and we did seem to do that , it was hard not to let him see me cry , he probably knew I was near to it.
Has your son been yet , mine had me on pins for a couple of days before he finally did come , although he probably thought I was at work.
I hope it goes smoothly for you too and then its up to them to find their own paths. I hope they come through it ok and like you , everyone assures me they will and I cling to that too. Hopefully he will be better away from me and stand on his own two feet.

beginningtohatexmas

mine didnt go quite as well - he came round with the mate in tow that got him into selling in the first place, walked straight in back door to his room, collected couple of bits and left. didnt speak, other than a sort of grunt in greeting. so there is still quite a bit of his stuff here.
I dont know how long to give it where child benefit and tax credits are concerned, I dont want to claim fraudulently (been 3 weeks now) but I think i'm having trouble accepting this is permanent - funny enough he has just phoned while i'm typing an asked if he has left his phone at 'home', ie here.
however, I am as certain as i can be that he is still selling drugs and while he makes that choice he cant be here..........

karen310

beginningtohatexmas wrote: »

mine didnt go quite as well
I dont know how long to give it where child benefit and tax credits are concerned, I dont want to claim fraudulently (been 3 weeks now) but I think i'm having trouble accepting this is permanent - funny enough he has just phoned while i'm typing an asked if he has left his phone at 'home', ie here.
however, I am as certain as i can be that he is still selling drugs and while he makes that choice he cant be here..........[/QUOTE]

No , I agree , you cant. I have a similar dilemma re council tax , I suppose I need to inform them that my son moved out in December as I am the only person living here now so may as well claim the discount.
My son has said hi to one of his sisters on facebook , and his status has been lots of references to his flat and mates who are there with him (including the one his dad and I couldnt stand years ago with pretty valid reason). I suppose he is flavour of the month with his own flat , I just hope he is remembering it all has to be paid for
His sister has said she will try and guide him towards CAB re his debts , he may listen to her , and I realise I need to back off and leave him to it.

InaPickle

karen310 wrote: »

My son has said hi to one of his sisters on facebook , and his status has been lots of references to his flat and mates who are there with him (including the one his dad and I couldnt stand years ago with pretty valid reason). I suppose he is flavour of the month with his own flat , I just hope he is remembering it all has to be paid for

Hi Karen, I've been reading the thread with interest but had little productive to add, so I said nothing. I would take DS's Facebook posts with a pinch of salt as he's probably posting about his 'amazing' new life as a front and a method of sticking two proverbial fingers up, and to show how he can do it alone. Chances are he's part-loving the freedom of having his own place, but I think it's fair to assume that there will be bits he won't like quite as much as having his friends around, so don't set too much store by what it says either way: it will only ever be the part of the story he wants you to see at that time, even if it changes to be a bad one about his annoying landlord or something instead, one day. (I'm not sure if you are his friend on Facebook or not, but you can guarantee that he knows his siblings will tell you what he is saying on there! )

Best of luck and I hope that you are starting to feel a bit better about the whole situation. I am certain that given time and space to have to deal with the somewhat less forgiving real world he will come to realise the mistakes he has made. It will take time, but I'm fairly certain that he will eventually come back to you and apologise for his behaviour. It might take a few years, though!

Annie_Other

Hi Karen

the only person you can change is you and if you start to do things fo yourself your confidence and self-esteem will grow, and as you gain more respect for yourself you will gain more from others around you and hopefully your son.

Imagine having a makeover, joining an evening class and maybe going on holiday with friends for a weekend or even a fortnight, I think you might shock him!!! He may spit the dummy but kids do and hey! with all that going on in your life it won't seem as important!!

karen310

Annie_Other wrote: »

Hi Karen

the only person you can change is you and if you start to do things fo yourself your confidence and self-esteem will grow, and as you gain more respect for yourself you will gain more from others around you and hopefully your son.

Imagine having a makeover, joining an evening class and maybe going on holiday with friends for a weekend or even a fortnight, I think you might shock him!!! He may spit the dummy but kids do and hey! with all that going on in your life it won't seem as important!!

Hi Annie Other , hope you dont mind me saying , but I find this answer a bit strange ,no offence. I dont really feel I am lacking in confidence or self esteem but maybe thats the way I have come across. I think I have plenty of respect for myself . although I agree , my son obviously has very little respect for me and that is obviously a combination of me being too soft and allowing myself to be "taken in" by him , but also him being a fairly devious and dishonest individual at times , and I have probably overcompensated at times due to guilt re my divorce , and also the fact that his dad has been fairly dreadful to him(and my other kids ) over the years ,but my other kids didnt steal , lose jobs and try and con money out of me. I have a good career , and think/hope I am respected by colleagues and my other children , I have a loving partner and hope to be moving in with him soon (when I sell my house) my son would have moved with us too. I have holidays and girly weekends away and although I would love a makeover I doubt I would have the time for an evening class , and I dont think my son would take the slightest notice of this let alone spit his dummy out !
As you say , the only person I can change is me , I have probably shocked him more by standing my ground this time. I think its my handling of my son that needed to change , which hopefully in turn will go some way to making him change (for the better I hope).

Annie_Other

Hi Karen

Glad to hear that you do have your own life.

I've had a few issues with my daughter over the years, maybe not on the same scale as yours, she is now 25, I love her to bits and she is a lovely person but we do still clash because of her life style and some of the choices she makes. I think we may always be that way but we both try because we both care and we are now able to talk things through, it maybe short talks but we keep trying.

Good Luck
Annie

:rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes:

karen310

Just a quick update , all has been quiet here apart from about 10 days ago when I recieved a text from my son apologising for being cheeky , but asking if he could borrow some money as his benefits would not be sorted till the 29th (at least he has been and sorted them !), he said he had no gas elec or food , he also wanted to know if there was any post. I agreed to help him out , but lent him less than he had asked for and told him if he gets stuck again he must apply for a crisis loan. I didnt actually see him , his mate collected it , so I presume his flat is not local. I also included the number for National debt line as he needs to sort his debts out. I have had no other contact from him , but did text him last week re more post that was here for him , telling him to arrange for it to be collected or I would have to start returning it to senders , I have also been informing the banks etc when they ring that he is no longer at this address.
My daughter told me today that she had rang him (she had a baby 6 weeks ago which he hasnt seen , she lives some distance away )
She had a long chat with him , he says he wants to see the baby when she is next visiting , he then went on to say basically that he had nearly got hypothermia when he slept in his car. He also said I had not been accepting his post.He told her his flat is awful . She reminded him of a few home truths , and also that it was me that had given him food and stuff for his flat , and also lent him money. He is still going on about issues from years ago with his dad , my daughter reminded him that they had also "lived through" all that but had moved on from it. There was a lot of stuff about "how can a mother do that to her son" to which my daughter reminded him that "this son" had done a lot of stuff to lots of his family
On a better note , he told her that his phone had been disconnected , but presumably when he recieved his benefits , he has had it reconnected to at least be able to recieve calls only , so he is "sorting" something.
I am sad that he still seems unable to make a link between his behaviour and his situation hopefully that will come eventually.
On a different note , work have arranged counselling for me , due to being off with" stress " on my sick note , work were obliged to send me to occupational health , when I began to tell the Dr that the stress wasnt work related , I got quite emotional , the result of which is a series of sessions with a counsellor , so hopefully that will help.
I hope everyone else who posted having similar problems is coping ok , and thanks again to everyone who posted earlier on this thread , I read back over it when I need to get strong again.