Problem son (sorry long)

InaPickle

Hey Karen,

It sounds like it is starting to sink in with him. He will eventually make the link, but it will probably take him a while. Keep going, as he will either crack and come back to you with his tail well and truly between his legs, or he will sort himself out. I don't know what else to say, but take care of yourself in the meantime and let us know how things go. x

paddy's_mum

I'm pleased that you're getting counselling as I'm very sure that it will help you come to terms with all that's happened.

I'm pleased that your daughter has supported your stance so very fairly and firmly.

I'm pleased that your son has at least realised that if you're making a big ask, such as can I please borrow some money, he is more likely to get a favourable response by being pleasant. Having said that, I'd have given him a bag of grub and a few pounds on the payment keys for the gas and electric meters rather than any cash in his hand over which you then have no control.

I'm pleased that your boy (he says!) became almost hypothermic and that his new flat is a grot-hole as it should make him appreciate what you generously provided that he so flippantly threw away.

I'm pleased that you have a new grandchild - congratulations.

In short - I'm pleased all round and your items of good news have made my day.

Now I just want to hear that your house is sold and you've moved in with your partner. It's clear from what you've said of him in previous posts that he is loyal and supportive and nobody can have too much of that while they are as sad and upset as you have been. Hope this small but very definite improvement continues.

elfen

Sounds very much like my little sister. She was I think 17, but my mum and dad kicked her out, due to her having raging rows with my mum when she didn't get her way, stealing and threatening to push my mum (who has arthritis, a bad back and dodgy hips and knees) down the stairs.

First off we didn't know where she was, but knew she was getting into trouble with the police at this point. Eldest sister offered her somewhere to sleep, on the proviso she treated it like home (i.e. cooked, washed up, cleaned, went and signed on, home at a reasonable time or contact if she wasn't going to be) but she got drunk and violent repeatedly, so my sister kicked her out.

At this point, my second eldest sister stepped in, and offered her a place to sleep if she looked after niece (she also came off the contraceptive jab which gave her MANY anger issues) who was at this point around a year- year and a half old, and her mum had got herself a job.

Fast forward a few years. Little sis has been looknig after niece, and regrets her younger days as she now can't work with kids due to her criminal record. She's started to drop the weight she put on, and now has a relationship with my mum and dad (who, understandably, will not let her visit without my niece and elder sister). She's also looked into getting some qualifications (left school with nothing basically - friends coercing her into not bothering with exams) and now has a job at one of the hotels as a groundkeeper. She turned her life around, and is doing OK now.

Karen, I've written all this to let you know (and all the other despairing mums) that a turn-around can occur. It may take time, but it can happen

karen310

Thank you elfen , I take heart from posts like yours , and I am sure others do too. x

determined_new_ms

Hi Karen310 I've now read the whole thread and I really feel for you (you've read my post so you know I've been there) and all of the other mothers as well. I'd just like to say the following things:

1. It's not just boys, my problems are with my DD. There's no gender divide in my mind!

2 Dad's - some of them have a lot to answer to (although not all I know a lot of guys who are amazing dad's). I decided recently that my kids don't have a father. Just someone who provided the necessary hummmm....

3. I'd really like to know how things are going? You've been quite for a while.

Thanks for your kind msgs xx

karen310

determined_new_ms wrote: »

Hi Karen310 I've now read the whole thread and I really feel for you (you've read my post so you know I've been there) and all of the other mothers as well. I'd just like to say the following things:

1. It's not just boys, my problems are with my DD. There's no gender divide in my mind!

2 Dad's - some of them have a lot to answer to (although not all I know a lot of guys who are amazing dad's). I decided recently that my kids don't have a father. Just someone who provided the necessary hummmm....

3. I'd really like to know how things are going? You've been quite for a while.

Thanks for your kind msgs xx

Hi , will get back on when I can and update (lurking in work at the moment !)
Thinking of you .

karen310

determined_new_ms wrote: »

Hi Karen310 I've now read the whole thread and I really feel for you (you've read my post so you know I've been there) and all of the other mothers as well. I'd just like to say the following things:

1. It's not just boys, my problems are with my DD. There's no gender divide in my mind!

2 Dad's - some of them have a lot to answer to (although not all I know a lot of guys who are amazing dad's). I decided recently that my kids don't have a father. Just someone who provided the necessary hummmm....

3. I'd really like to know how things are going? You've been quite for a while.

Thanks for your kind msgs xx

Hi , a quick update , no major happenings (I am always wary of saying that in case I tempt one ). I know my son is living in a flat , I dont know where it is , but on a couple of occasions I have topped my eldest daughters phone up (she is a skint student and single mum) so that she can ring him for a chat (really to put my mind at some sort of ease) , but he is unaware of that IYSWIM !
What I do know is , that he has sold his car , glad I suppose as he would have never have afforded insurance , but , he has bought a puppy :mad:, no token repayment of anything I had lent him and I am guessing no repayment of any of his debts , I am still getting post and calls for him , I am returning them to sender etc.

I did get a text off him a few days ago stating his new mobile number. I replied "thanks for letting me know".

I then recieved another saying" Yer I'm fine thanks for asking" to which I replied " yes fine here thanks for asking too".

I take it from that , there was a small "inroad "..in as much as he gave me his number , but still anger towards me , and I dont think any recognition of any wrongdoing on his part.:(

I have had one counselling session via work , and I think it helped as the counsellor made me feel less guilty and responsible for his actions , and yet I still feel lousy about things a lot of the time. I have to hold strong though and hope he turns things around for himself.

Hope all you other mums are ok , I think about you all often.

beginningtohatexmas

Hi Karen, and all,
hope you dont mind me using your thread to update as well!
We are in similar position. ds has been round a few times and it has gradually got more friendly. He is still selling weed though and has said he has no intention of ever moving back. He has gone to the council and is waiting to be put probably in the YMCA. I phoned his college and he is on his last legs there - not turning up much, but I think I talked them into hanging on and his tutor was going to have him in for a chat.
he is, and comes across as a little boy who thinks he is a big man and will definately need to sink further, or have something drastic happen before he begins to come to his senses.
Like you karen, we ae just playing the waiting game.

karen310

he is, and comes across as a little boy who thinks he is a big man and will definately need to sink further, or have something drastic happen before he begins to come to his senses.


This describes my son exactly !

karen310

Well since last update , some developements have occurred and I suppose as in the past I am using this thread to vent. A few weeks ago my son rang me quite distressed saying he had been unwell and was unable to sign on (he is on jsa) so there was a delay in his benefits while they changed to esa , basically saying he had no money etc. He was pleasant and polite , but we did end up having words at one point (he never accepts that anything is his fault) anyway he told me where his flat was and I took him some basics (including dog food for the dog he bought when he sold his car). He was very grateful , I also gave him the number for CCCS (even though I had given it to him in the past )as he is in a lot of debt (I dont actually know how much). Anyway I spoke to him a few days later , he says he has contacted CCCS and has sent off template letters to companies he owes money to.

A few days later he contacted me again saying he was being threatened with eviction because he had missed rent due to benefits being messed up. It turns out the he was able to get the flat due to a relative of a past dodgy mate (no deposit given at the time) the relative had decided to get heavy and basically told him he had to get out or they would remove him forceably, they also threatened to "come for me and my sons girlfriend" and my son was very scared by this.
To cut a long story short , I paid the rent money on condition that when the benefits are sorted (he is due the money and has submitted the relevant info to Dss) he will pay me back. (he owes me a fortune)... (I know I am probably stupid for doing this , but at the time I must admit I was scared too , and going to the police would have probably made things worse)
My son is now staying with his older sister , but he cant stay there for long , he has been to housing who have said he made himself homeless , which he did but only because he was too scared to stay there.
He has been in touch with our local Foyer and has an interview there , but he doesnt even know if there is any vacancies in there at the moment.
He states he keeps feeling unwell , he states while he was in the flat he had chest pains , he attended A&E and had ECG , bloods etc , all results ok , I have told him it is probably anxiety due to the stressful situation he has got himself into , but he wont believe me. One night last week he had been to his new GP (as he has moved areas away from where his flat was) , his gp told him he was depressed and gave him an antidepressant.
A few hours after taking it he started vomiting , he rang me at midnight asking if he could come to my house , but after everything that has happened in the past I said no. I felt bad doing this , but in light of everything that happened at Christmas I had to. Plus I know that when I had to leave for work the following morning he would not have left the house and I would be back to square one. He then began texting me stating that he needed me and I didnt care , I replied and then he told me not to text him again.
I know I shouldnt have got into a text battle with him.
The following morning I went round to my daughters (where he is staying temporarily) as I had done some washing for her (her machine is broken at the moment) , incidentally I had done some washing for him too !!
She stated that he had stopped vomiting , he refused to see or speak to me , not that I tried to speak to him , but he was in the room. I just stated his sickness was probably a reaction to the meds and maybe he should go back to his gp.
I have left things since then , I still feel lots of guilt , but also lots of disappointment that he still seems to have no view that anything is his fault , and that he is still so resentful to me. Prior to my refusing him coming here we were getting on ok by phone , he was telling me he had applied for some jobs and was thinking of going to college.

As I look back I realise he is lovely to me when he is in crisis , very appreciative when I help him out. He did apologise for the things that happened over Christmas but only to me (states will not apologise to my partner , but he has been very quick to turn when I wouldnt let him come here.
I was having counselling via work , but I stopped it after 3 sessions as things had gone quiet and I felt like I was covering the same ground , I also used to get very upset during the sessions and was unsure at the time if they were helping. I think maybe I should resume them as maybe they had helped.
My house still hasnt sold , I am thinking of renting it out instead , but it seems wrong to move while this is still all ongoing (even though I dont feel he can be here) and he still doesnt feel that having to be physically pulled off my partner was unacceptable.

Not sure why I have posted all this and I am sure some people will disagree with how I have handled things , maybe I do too. I just needed to get it all out really.