Problem son (sorry long)

karen310

Just really wanting some advice re my 19 yr old son , maybe its me needing to be stronger but I need to get it off my chest. Basically he has always been a bit of a handful , badly behaved at school , nothing major , just sillyness and cheekyness. He is very bright when it is things he is interested in. He left school with no qualifications and by this time had managed to allienate himself from his brothers and sisters by stealing money off them (at one time we even had locks on bedroom doors personal safes etc which he broke into !)I have always tried to give him the benefit of the doubt , but on one occasion he was actually caught stealing here so I took him myself to the police station. They basically just gave him a telling off , maybe I should have pressed charges , but I hoped not having a record would be better for his future.

About 2 years ago we had a major fall out , he went staying at a friends (that his dad and I hadnt ever liked) , by this time his dad had cut all contact with him (we are divorced , he had actually stayed at his dads for a short period till he threw him out, but his dad has no contact with any of his kids now , and it has all been left on my shoulders) , he and this mate then ended up in a flat , I was beside myself at this point and would buy food and bits for them (although if I am honest , some of the stresses at home improved , no risk of money going missing etc).

Eventually I agreed he could move back home with me , we set ground rules and the other kids had all moved out by now. To be honest we got along reasonably well , he can be very helpful and quite good company. I finally thought things were improving. He got a job about 12 months ago , paid back whatever money I had lent him , began paying keep. He got a phone contract and a loan for a car , even though he was advised against this. However I thought having these commitments might make him show some responsibility.

After a few months he began being late and missing a few days supposedly sick , he eventaully got made redundant , no great suprise. He was then unemployed for 6 months on JSA which he says he used to pay bank arrears / phone contract arrears , so basically living rent free ! He ran up debts with me , money to sign on , interviews ,I think sometimes he probably conned me saying it was for fares etc when it was more likely for cigs ! I know he is also in a lot of debt with banks due to his loan , I have asked him about it but he kept saying it was getting sorted , I found his statements in the bin !and it isnt being sorted , banks ring frequently for him .

He hadnt passed his driving test by this point , so like a fool I lent him money for this too , thinking it would improve his job chances Another occasion it was my birthday , I lent him money to buy me a present under the pretext of saving him embarrassment , but it was also to save my embarrassment too in front of my family. He only spent half of what I gave him on me and kept the other half , not even buying a card! He got another job in December , managed few weeks then got himself sacked just before Christmas missing days etc.

When I tried to ask about this we ended up having a massive row , he says I threw him out , not actually true , I actually said "never mind looking for another job , the way things are going you will need somewhere else to live" he was refusing to get out of bed at 1pm however he stormed out and has stayed god knows where for a week , probably given someone a big sob story.He did come home very early though on Christmas morning and took his presents some of which were in a cupboard , so he had to root for them.
If I am honest has disgusted me , he also didnt buy a single thing for anyone ,not even a small token for his nieces but I bet he has money for cigs and god knows what else. I have had a lousy Christmas putting on a brave face for everyone else but in limbo over him. I have not contacted him and I know he has been coming in when I have been at work for showers etc , I feel lousy but feel things have gone far enough. I work fulltime and feel he is taking the p... now. I know he crept in at 4am this morning , the first time he has slept here since he left. I left him a note this morning saying "be in at 5.30 when I come in from work or else leave me your keys" however he has gone out. I texted him repeating this and stating this is not his doss house. he has ignored me. I really would like him living here with a job etc , but I really feel I cant do anymore , he is dominating my life at the moment and obviously couldnt give a toss about anyone but himself.

lynzpower

I think its perfectly clear that in orrder to stamp your authority over your own home, you simply have to change the locks.

He isn't listening to you as your foot isn't being put down.

Hes 19. He needs to learn how to survive on his own. If he realises that no job = no fags and "the rest" you allude to, then alas, thems the breaks. If it means he has go go bankrupt and not get credit again and have his car repo'd well thats just the way it goes.

He isnt learning this lesson currently, i think things have to change.

The whole thing about saying you thrown him out and you "trying to save face with your family" seems to suggest that he knows he has you wrapped around his finger.

I think the whole thing about the gift is interesting, why would you have "lost face " with your family. Your sin is 19,he should answer to family members if/ when he makes efforts/ no efforts for peoples birthdays...

Morgan_Ree

I think tough love is the way to go with this overgrown child

I'm assuming he's got a key that's how he's letting himself in
If so change the locks
Give him a shock next time he rolls in at stupid o'clock in the morning

This is exactly what my mum did to me at his age
I went off the rails a bit from the age of 17. After 2 years my family just couldnt take it anymore so they kicked me out
I had to sleep in my car for 2 months before i finally got a place to live

At the time i hated them for it but looking back now, it was honestly the best thing they ever did for me

iamana1ias

Any chance of smaller paragraphs? I can't read that huge block of text.

karen310

lynzpower wrote: »

I think its perfectly clear that in orrder to stamp your authority over your own home, you simply have to change the locks.

He isn't listening to you as your foot isn't being put down.

Hes 19. He needs to learn how to survive on his own. If he realises that no job = no fags and "the rest" you allude to, then alas, thems the breaks. If it means he has go go bankrupt and not get credit again and have his car repo'd well thats just the way it goes.

He isnt learning this lesson currently, i think things have to change.

The whole thing about saying you thrown him out and you "trying to save face with your family" seems to suggest that he knows he has you wrapped around his finger.

I think the whole thing about the gift is interesting, why would you have "lost face " with your family. Your sin is 19,he should answer to family members if/ when he makes efforts/ no efforts for peoples birthdays...

Just embarrassed I suppose that my own son hadnt got me a present , it was a big birthday and a lot of people going to be there. Another example I suppose of me making allowances for him.

karen310

Morgan_Ree wrote: »

I think tough love is the way to go with this overgrown child

I'm assuming he's got a key that's how he's letting himself in
If so change the locks
Give him a shock next time he rolls in at stupid o'clock in the morning

This is exactly what my mum did to me at his age
I went off the rails a bit from the age of 17. After 2 years my family just couldnt take it anymore so they kicked me out
I had to sleep in my car for 2 months before i finally got a place to live

At the time i hated them for it but looking back now, it was honestly the best thing they ever did for me

I know its probably the right thing to do , colleagues tell me this too , but by god its hard especially with it being Christmas etc, I do know I am probably my own worst enemy.

karen310

iamana1ias wrote: »

Any chance of smaller paragraphs? I can't read that huge block of text.

Sorry , have tried to break it up a bit , just had to get it all out really , I tried earlier and lost the whole damn thing :mad:

lynzpower

closed wrote: »

Sit down with him, tell him how you feel, talk to him like an adult, and tell him you expect him to act like one from now on, and give you some respect.

Plenty of people are in similar money troubles at that age, and well beyond, that part is not unusual for a 19 year old - If he has little money, there is little he can do about the debts, so ignoring them is a common reaction.

Im sorry but this isnt true.

There are hundreds of people on this site making great efforts with very little.

They get ( and keep ajob)
they make their parents presents
they can make contact with creditors and make token payments
they contact the CAB
they come on here take advice
YADA YADA

Having no money is no reason to treat your parents like carp.

scrimpingbadger

As a sibling of a brother and sister both like this I can see a different angle here.

I appreciate your need to 'keep the peace' and not be embarassed by your son's misdemeanors. However, he is learning that he has power over you when you give in. Both my brother and sister play on the fact that my mother will not want to cause a fuss in public and so she rolls overs as soon as it looks like it might kick off. Infuriating!! And then bends my ear about it, grrr......

Buying your own birthday pressie? No, that's wrong. He should be shown for how he is.

Let him make mistakes. It looks like that's the only way he will learn. He will not take your advice (because it's coming from you and therefore he thinks it's designed to spoil his fun)(and he also thinks he knows everything). It will exceptionally hard on you.

You may have to change your locks.

jacci45

Hi,Im at work now so cant write much but wanted to let you know Im thinking of you, I have a nearly 18 yr old who I think is going the same way so I appreciate how you are feeling, I will write more tonight.
Feel free to pm me if you need to and take care of yourself.

xxx

mumslave

You must be very patient, if it was my son, yes he would be told to find somewhere else to live, tough love. As my kids are all very young, i say that from what i did at 16...i went off the rails, treated my home like a hotel and once my dad said to me if i carried on i could move out...so to spite him really, i did. Thought i was grown up enough to be an adult. It taught me far more than staying at home did. It doesnt mean you have to cut your son off, but you need to give him a bit of a shove into learning responsibility and it sounds like you are just a wee bit too soft to do this and have him kep living with you. Best of luck! if it helps any, my bro was living hell at that stage, he is now 27, a fully qualified second chef and i am very proud [and amazed lol]