MSE Parents Club Part 9

sparkle03

SusanC wrote: »

It was an Independent midwife who did not follow procedures she should have and was on her own so it is highly unlikely to happen with an NHS homebirth however it is unpleasant and distressing so I wouldn't advise anyone who was pregnant to read it as you are likely to be more upset by that kind of thing when pregnant.

Weezl I would agree with Susan here, not worth you reading it at all hunni xx

sparkle03

SugarSpun wrote: »

I'm always impressed at the resilience of some of the little babies on this thread. I'm considering getting some counselling because I'm still finding it hard to deal with Molly's birth and the effects it seems to have had on me; some of you mummies had it so much harder and you're doing so well. I'm all :j and .

Sugar if that is something that you feel would help then I would certainly go for it. You know how we always say every baby is different, well so are all of us mummies, it doesnt really matter how anybody else dealt with the birth of their baby its what matters to you that is important! You dont need to feel about anything. FWIW I think your amazing the way you juggle everything and are so helpful to others on here - I hope you get what you need ((hugs)) xx

weezl74

SugarSpun wrote: »

I'm always impressed at the resilience of some of the little babies on this thread. I'm considering getting some counselling because I'm still finding it hard to deal with Molly's birth and the effects it seems to have had on me; some of you mummies had it so much harder and you're doing so well. I'm all :j and .

sounds good chat to us about it too maybe? You are a great writer, so maybe posting about it would be a bit therapeutic too? x

SugarSpun

Long post all in one paragraph, please feel free to skip.

Thanks Weezlie - my major problem is that I've never felt so helpless or vulnerable - so passive - as when Molly was born, and I feel like I failed her because when she went into distress it was because of a hospital error that I should have noticed and questioned. I was sobbing in the lift on the way to the operating room, and the two nurses minding the bed were just talking over my head to each other and not paying attention, then the doctor poked his head over the "don't let her see the blood" sheet and said he'd see me afterwards. OH was watching them and not talking to me (he said later that he was watching because he was so appalled at the nurses' lack of concentration and care and he wanted to make sure nothing was going wrong) but I couldn't see anything, I was in too much of a state to make anything of what I could hear (all in German) and I had no idea what was happening. The bed was set so my bottom half was higher than my top half and my right side higher than my left, so I felt like I was falling and I had a reaction to the meds that made my top half shake as though I was having a seizure. Then they showed me Molly and then took her away again but OH went with her so I was all alone while they sewed me up slowly. Then they told me I wasn't allowed to see my baby till I'd drunk a cup of chamomile tea -- a very small thing, but more of the same putting me into a dependent position. And I feel like I haven't entirely shaken that off, if you see what I mean, I keep imagining horrible things happening to us and I still feel like I wouldn't be able to protect her from things, and stories about other women having difficult births (Weezlie, don't read that article), or horrible things happening to small babies or pregnant women, send me into floods of tears. I tried to talk about it with my mother, but she commented that she hoped I wouldn't be one of those women who are always talking about their babies' births and how that's just stupid so I felt like I should just stop talking. But it isn't getting any easier, and I get embarrassed because other people had much worse labours, deliveries and outcomes than we did and cope better and I'm just whingeing.

Bah.

sparkle03

SugarSpun wrote: »

Long post all in one paragraph, please feel free to skip.

Thanks Weezlie - my major problem is that I've never felt so helpless or vulnerable - so passive - as when Molly was born, and I feel like I failed her because when she went into distress it was because of a hospital error that I should have noticed and questioned. I was sobbing in the lift on the way to the operating room, and the two nurses minding the bed were just talking over my head to each other and not paying attention, then the doctor poked his head over the "don't let her see the blood" sheet and said he'd see me afterwards. OH was watching them and not talking to me (he said later that he was watching because he was so appalled at the nurses' lack of concentration and care and he wanted to make sure nothing was going wrong) but I couldn't see anything, I was in too much of a state to make anything of what I could hear (all in German) and I had no idea what was happening. The bed was set so my bottom half was higher than my top half and my right side higher than my left, so I felt like I was falling and I had a reaction to the meds that made my top half shake as though I was having a seizure. Then they showed me Molly and then took her away again but OH went with her so I was all alone while they sewed me up slowly. Then they told me I wasn't allowed to see my baby till I'd drunk a cup of chamomile tea -- a very small thing, but more of the same putting me into a dependent position. And I feel like I haven't entirely shaken that off, if you see what I mean, I keep imagining horrible things happening to us and I still feel like I wouldn't be able to protect her from things, and stories about other women having difficult births (Weezlie, don't read that article), or horrible things happening to small babies or pregnant women, send me into floods of tears. I tried to talk about it with my mother, but she commented that she hoped I wouldn't be one of those women who are always talking about their babies' births and how that's just stupid so I felt like I should just stop talking. But it isn't getting any easier, and I get embarrassed because other people had much worse labours, deliveries and outcomes than we did and cope better and I'm just whingeing.

Bah.

Suagr your not whingeing at all, there really isnt any need to feel embarrassed telling us how you feel. Women have such high standards for themselves and having a baby / giving birth is such a magorly life changing event that if it doesnt go to plan it can take some time to get over.
From what ou have detailed above you were massively let down by your medical team, any errors that were made by them were not for you to pick up on.
You say you feel its your fault she was distressed - it really isnt.
When having Lexi I had been in labour from around 8pm the night before and at 8 o clock the next morning I was still being told to stay at home even though I knew I should have been in hospital but I stayed. When I next phoned and they said to take more paracetamol I got in a right strop and just turned up. I got shouted at for just coming in and when they hooked me up to the monitors Lexis heartbeat couldnt be found and she needed to be born asap as she was in distress. I felt like that was my fault as I should have listened to my instincts and just gone to Hospital. I dont 'blame' myself anymore but I did for a good while after her birth.
I wish I could help you more, Weezl probably can.... If you ever need to talk Ill always listen xx

SugarSpun

Thank you Sparkle - I didn't realise you'd had a difficult time as well. I do blame myself, and whenever I do something wrong I feel like a very rubbish mummy because I couldn't even get that small thing right and then the way she was born is always lurking. I forgot to put her double-thickness night time nappy on last night and this morning she woke up in a wet patch and I feel horrible about it. She's fine, happily chatting to her toys, but I'm a mess.

got-it-spend-it

3onitsway wrote: »

Thanks MM. Headteacher spoke to transport and got more joy than I had - they promise to have something in place by Monday - most likely a taxi with escort.
But........ he came home on his normal bus tonight for the 2nd time this year. :j He got lots of praise, claps, good boys and a kinder bueno (sp?) so we're hoping he does the same again tomorrow.
His usual escort and driver are off sick - so i'm guessing the temporary ones today just tried a little harder to get him on the bus.

((Hugs)) Beenie - it does sound like you & Amber would be better without her input. :mad:

((Hugs)) Scruffy - hopefully they're at peace now. :A I didn't know that was/is your job - do/did you enjoy it? I'm thinking i'd like some sort of caring job when I eventually go back to work. Theres a huge autistic society centre near me - and i've got 12 1/2 years experience.

Yay for J getting on the bus, 3! It must be a relief to you that he can do it.

ladybirdintheuk wrote: »

Wow you were all in bed early last night Izzy woke at 5am again, but I managed to get her back to sleep for a bit. we were still up at 6:15, but I can live with that.

Bruno did you get a lie in today?

1001 things before going to nursery for 8am, if only this baby would finish drinking her milk.

I count anything starting with a 6 as a reasonable getting up time, anything starting with a 5 is just wrong!

Becles wrote: »

I don't think it's right either. My parents are 59 and 64 and look after Charlotte and while they don't mind having her for a few hours in a morning, they've both said they're glad they haven't got her full time! I've no idea how the lady will cope chasing after a toddler, and it's not fair on the child who is not going to have a mother in their life for long. I'm 34 but still rely on advice and help from my Mam!



Sorry to hear that. Thinking of you *hugs*



I would just ignore her. It doesn't really matter what she thinks. Just walk away and have nothing to do with her anymore. You don't need hassle like that in your life.

I totally, totally agree with you Becles. I think having children at that age is putting your own selfish desire ahead of the babies needs.

jillie1974

morning!

just nipping on for 30mins before we got to bumps2babies.

i understand your frustrations SS. mine are with my DH. I was fortunate that I had lovely mw's and DR's looking after me although when they said i would prob have to have CS i was $h1t scared. thats when i needed DH most, but he couldnt cope. although considering all what had happened i;m not surprised. but i needed DH and he wasnt there when i needed him most. tbh...and i know his sister didnt know i was going to have K that day but i just cant forgive her for ruining what should have been the happiest time of our lives.

weezl74

sugar, I'm not surprised you feel this way at all. Big hugs for you, and some thoughts:

SugarSpun wrote: »

Thanks Weezlie - my major problem is that I've never felt so helpless or vulnerable - so passive - as when Molly was born, and I feel like I failed her because when she went into distress it was because of a hospital error that I should have noticed and questioned.

horror and helplessness when someone you love is hurting, this can be very traumatising. Ouch.

SugarSpun wrote: »

I was sobbing in the lift on the way to the operating room, and the two nurses minding the bed were just talking over my head to each other and not paying attention, then the doctor poked his head over the "don't let her see the blood" sheet and said he'd see me afterwards. OH was watching them and not talking to me (he said later that he was watching because he was so appalled at the nurses' lack of concentration and care and he wanted to make sure nothing was going wrong) but I couldn't see anything

other types of helplessness, language barrier and a physical barrier. Also fear caused by not knowing what was going through DH's mind. Must have made you feel even more alone, and that the people you needed to help you were non-responsive and incompetant. And they had all the power! Hugely distressing for you.

SugarSpun wrote: »

I was in too much of a state to make anything of what I could hear (all in German) and I had no idea what was happening. The bed was set so my bottom half was higher than my top half and my right side higher than my left, so I felt like I was falling and I had a reaction to the meds that made my top half shake as though I was having a seizure.

physical pain, fear and bodily disorientation. I'm guessing too that by this point you were also physically exhausted after the demands of the failed induction. You must have felt so physically compromised whilst everything in you wanted to be able to help Molly. Awful situation to be in.

SugarSpun wrote: »

Then they showed me Molly and then took her away again but OH went with her so I was all alone while they sewed me up slowly. Then they told me I wasn't allowed to see my baby till I'd drunk a cup of chamomile tea -- a very small thing, but more of the same putting me into a dependent position.

more aloneness and a horrible, pointless, stupid, inexplicable reason to delay seeing M and DH.

SugarSpun wrote: »

And I feel like I haven't entirely shaken that off, if you see what I mean, I keep imagining horrible things happening to us and I still feel like I wouldn't be able to protect her from things, and stories about other women having difficult births (Weezlie, don't read that article), or horrible things happening to small babies or pregnant women, send me into floods of tears.

of course! That's what happened and now you're going to make damn sure it doesn't ever happen again, because you are a damned good mummy.

Reliving things is how we mentally rehearse so they won't happen again you are being diligent!

SugarSpun wrote: »

I tried to talk about it with my mother, but she commented that she hoped I wouldn't be one of those women who are always talking about their babies' births and how that's just stupid so I felt like I should just stop talking. But it isn't getting any easier, and I get embarrassed because other people had much worse labours, deliveries and outcomes than we did and cope better and I'm just whingeing.

Bah.

I'm sorry your mum said that. She is putting her own need and distress in hearing your story ABOVE her daughter's. The very thing you fought so hard not to allow to happen for Molly. That's so horrible and hard.

I feel it's great for you to talk about it and it will really help.

You're amazing.

much love xxx

got-it-spend-it

SugarSpun wrote: »

Long post all in one paragraph, please feel free to skip.

Thanks Weezlie - my major problem is that I've never felt so helpless or vulnerable - so passive - as when Molly was born, and I feel like I failed her because when she went into distress it was because of a hospital error that I should have noticed and questioned. I was sobbing in the lift on the way to the operating room, and the two nurses minding the bed were just talking over my head to each other and not paying attention, then the doctor poked his head over the "don't let her see the blood" sheet and said he'd see me afterwards. OH was watching them and not talking to me (he said later that he was watching because he was so appalled at the nurses' lack of concentration and care and he wanted to make sure nothing was going wrong) but I couldn't see anything, I was in too much of a state to make anything of what I could hear (all in German) and I had no idea what was happening. The bed was set so my bottom half was higher than my top half and my right side higher than my left, so I felt like I was falling and I had a reaction to the meds that made my top half shake as though I was having a seizure. Then they showed me Molly and then took her away again but OH went with her so I was all alone while they sewed me up slowly. Then they told me I wasn't allowed to see my baby till I'd drunk a cup of chamomile tea -- a very small thing, but more of the same putting me into a dependent position. And I feel like I haven't entirely shaken that off, if you see what I mean, I keep imagining horrible things happening to us and I still feel like I wouldn't be able to protect her from things, and stories about other women having difficult births (Weezlie, don't read that article), or horrible things happening to small babies or pregnant women, send me into floods of tears. I tried to talk about it with my mother, but she commented that she hoped I wouldn't be one of those women who are always talking about their babies' births and how that's just stupid so I felt like I should just stop talking. But it isn't getting any easier, and I get embarrassed because other people had much worse labours, deliveries and outcomes than we did and cope better and I'm just whingeing.

Bah.

SS- we talked about this exact thing at a Mummy coffee morning last week, and one of the ladies had been and talked her birth through with a MW at the hospital and she said it has really helped her, so I totally recommend that you talk to someone about it if you possibly can.

We were discussing the fact that however normal, easy, traumatic or horrific your birth might seem to anyone else, to you it is your experience and so even if 'it's not as bad as some' you personally still dwell on the bits that upset you or you're not sure about. I'm not sure that's made any sense, but I just wanted to say that.

I think I had a very similar birth to you in a lot of ways- the bit I highlighted in your words is that bit that still plays on my mind a bit- I have never felt so vulnerable and helpless in my whole life and it was hideous, and I was in floods that I couldn't be the first person to hold Henry. However, I have pretty much come to terms with the birth simply because the care I got was, for the most part, amazing. I can't imagine how much tougher it must have been for you, with the language barrier and other care issues.

The fact that you are seriously considering doing it all again so soon shows what a strong person you are :grouphug:.