Division of labour - big row brewing

funkymonkey849

zara*elise wrote: »

And this is what I was pointing out. Some men are still stuck in the timewarp of 'a woman's place is by the sink'. The OP is very fortunate that her DH does help her and isn't digging his heels in and adopting that archaic mindset. Some women do have to, not out of choice, work a full time job AND look after children, AND cook clean etc. Do I think that's right? No, of course not!

What I was stating is that instead of focusing on the fact that DH only does 4 jobs instead of 7, why not be grateful he's helping out at all? Many women don't have that luxury today. So he doesn't pay the cleaner, what's the big deal with that? In my experience women are much more efficient at running a home, and men, unless they've lived on their own, will never understand what goes into organising a home.

If you really want him to help then you have to communicate this to him in a kind, diplomatic manner. Which is why I suggest you sort out a chart of responsibilities that include your DH, you and your DS. You can rotate the chores week by week as another poster suggested so everyone get's some variety and everyone knows what each other does.

Personally, I have no problem with the more traditional role of women keeping the home and a man working, but then again I'm not from a typical British family. That's just my opinion though.

Sorry I think that is totally the wrong way of looking at it, being greatful that he's helping out at all?!!! Why shouldn't he pull his weight?!

Men will never understand what goes into running a home if women let them get away with doing the bare minimum! I think it's a total cheek that men will let their OHs do everything and not bother to do their share if they can help it, how selfish can you get!

Just because some men are lazy and chauvanistic, this is no excuse for others to not do their share.

As pointed out before it is not a problem that he doesn't pay the cleaner, it is a problem that he expects the OP to take care of everything and this can soon mount up into the OP burdening a lot of the household tasks and responsibility which is not fair when they are both working full time.

belfastgirl23

I do know the frustration of this OP

BUT I do think that you can let yourself get upset by it or you can work around it. I've chosen to do the latter.

So basically I know DH will not take responsiblity for most of the household tasks, except for a couple that he particularly notices - unswept floors bother him so I don't ever do that job, I know it will bother him before it bothers me

My strategy is to say 'if I sort the washing can you sort the dishwasher, then we can sit down and watch X' etc. I also make sure he knows when I've done something extra, not in a bad way but 'did you notice the bathroom was gleaming'.

I have totally given up on it not being me who 'manages' it but this strategy means that the doing of it is more fairly shared than it otherwise would be. And I don't have that horrible feeling of stomping about doing housework when he's watching TV.

I do think though that most of your resentment is based around him having time off on his own and being able to take that time guilt-free. In fact this is all about you really (sorry to be blunt) and you need to either decide that you would prefer to spend your 'me' time with your son, or carve out some 'me' time away from him. No judgment on my side, I'm anti-kids but either way you have to settle it in your own mind.

sarahs999

zara*elise wrote: »

And this is what I was pointing out. Some men are still stuck in the timewarp of 'a woman's place is by the sink'. The OP is very fortunate that her DH does help her and isn't digging his heels in and adopting that archaic mindset. Some women do have to, not out of choice, work a full time job AND look after children, AND cook clean etc. Do I think that's right? No, of course not!

What I was stating is that instead of focusing on the fact that DH only does 4 jobs instead of 7, why not be grateful he's helping out at all? Many women don't have that luxury today. So he doesn't pay the cleaner, what's the big deal with that? In my experience women are much more efficient at running a home, and men, unless they've lived on their own, will never understand what goes into organising a home.

If you really want him to help then you have to communicate this to him in a kind, diplomatic manner. Which is why I suggest you sort out a chart of responsibilities that include your DH, you and your DS. You can rotate the chores week by week as another poster suggested so everyone get's some variety and everyone knows what each other does.

Personally, I have no problem with the more traditional role of women keeping the home and a man working, but then again I'm not from a typical British family. That's just my opinion though.

Lots of stuff I don't agree with there, but basically, he's not a child. He's an adult. I'm feeling increasingly like his mother and I resent it. And he HAS lived on his own, for plenty of years, so he can run a house. One of the things I was most impressed with him about when I first met him was how 'grown up' he was. It seems that he's let it slip now we're married.

And you know what? I don't want to draw up a damned chart. That's another thing I have to do! :rotfl:

Not sure a rota would work for us, but I quite like the idea of making a mark when we've done something so we can work out where the problems are. My four year old has a chart and he gets stickers for doing jobs, I refuse to have a similar principle for my 39-year-old husband!

NowWhat_2

Maybe you could both sit down jointly - with bottle of wine for "lubrication" one evening - and do a joint evaluation of what tasks need doing to keep the household functioning (EXCLUDING childcare) - just the housework/paperwork/DIY/shopping/etc.

From that -work out what time each task takes on average per week (and that would include averaging out any one-off DIY tasks done as well).

Then write each task on a post-it note (with an estimate of the average time per week spent on it). Add up the average time per week needed for all tasks. For instance, it might turn out that all household tasks between them come to say 20 hours per week. This being the case - you would need to do 10 hours per week each of those tasks to be a fair division (ie 50/50).

You then both take turns at picking out a post-it note task and put that on his/her sides of the table respectively and see whether they come out to an equal amount of time each at the end of it. If they dont - then the person whose post-it notes come to a lower amount of time has to take enough post-it notes off the other to "even up the score".

Any tasks you both want to do - you have to toss a coin for.

This way it would be fair - and would be something you both worked out between you - rather than either of you trying to impose on the other in any way. I guess what I am saying is - treat this the way you would treat running a business jointly with a partner or the way two friends would treat it. Dont treat it as a "husband and wife" thing - as then you are both more likely to fall into "traditional roles" - rather than doing this fairly.

The childcare is a "personal relationship" thing - and not a "household task" and will need discussing separately.

zara*elise

What I was saying about being grateful was just an aside, mayve this is clearer: The OP stated there was a big row brewing. Now she can either let it stew thinking about how injust the whole situation is and how oblivious her DH is, get stressed out more and more and eventually boil into a huge row, or she can put some perspective into it and realise that while it's not ideal, some people have it a lot lot worse and with the right communication things can be resolved amicably. Maybe it's just my way of thinking, but if I was in the OPs situation, I personally wouldn't be bothered that I did the lions' share. In fact I'd prefer being in charge of everything!

Nothing is ever going to be fully equal in life, it's never going to be practical, so this attitude that everyone has an equal share is unrealistic in that one partner will do more in one way than another at some point. But that's life.

I've suggested a way of making things better, by making a chore chart and rotating the chores, it worked for me and my DH, and builds appreciation as hopefullyher DH will appreciate what she does. Kills two birds with one stone.

zara*elise

sarahs999 wrote: »

And you know what? I don't want to draw up a damned chart. That's another thing I have to do! :rotfl:

I understand that, it must feel like you're being pulled in every direction, but as you're the one with the problem (not the word I want to use but you get what 'm trying to convey! ) , it's going to take you to resolve it. Re tha chart, if you don't think it will work for you fine, but you say he's acting like a child, so why not treat him like one? And also, it isn't something you would do on your own as that builds resentment on your DH's part. Itt should be drawn up as a trio, with your DH your son and you. If you all work together and communicate where you need help then it will be resolved.

You can talk to some men til you're blue in the face and they'll never understand, until they do it for themselves!

Person_one

sarahs999 wrote: »

Lots of stuff I don't agree with there, but basically, he's not a child. He's an adult. I'm feeling increasingly like his mother and I resent it. And he HAS lived on his own, for plenty of years, so he can run a house. One of the things I was most impressed with him about when I first met him was how 'grown up' he was. It seems that he's let it slip now we're married.

And you know what? I don't want to draw up a damned chart. That's another thing I have to do! :rotfl:

Not sure a rota would work for us, but I quite like the idea of making a mark when we've done something so we can work out where the problems are. My four year old has a chart and he gets stickers for doing jobs, I refuse to have a similar principle for my 39-year-old husband!

I feel for you OP! I think a lot of the posters here just aren't understanding the root cause of your frustration. You don't want to have to cajole, encourage, reward or harrass a grown man to contribute to his family and his environment!

Maybe you should go back to the tactics I had to use with a supremely messy housemate once. Just take care of yourself and the kid, wash your own clothes but not his, cook for yourself but not him, wash up your own dishes but not his, keep a stash of your own toilet paper and milk and don't replace his etc. Its a shame you can't just pay your half of the bills without getting into trouble yourself!

Ok, maybe a bit immature but what is the OP's husband being if not immature?

cariadtrist

belfastgirl23 wrote: »

I do think though that most of your resentment is based around him having time off on his own and being able to take that time guilt-free. In fact this is all about you really (sorry to be blunt) and you need to either decide that you would prefer to spend your 'me' time with your son, or carve out some 'me' time away from him. No judgment on my side, I'm anti-kids but either way you have to settle it in your own mind.

This maks sense to me. i get frustrated that I spend my days off shopping, ironing, cleaning, cooking, while DH goes off cycling, or to take photos. But that's my choice of what to do on a day off. If I asked, I'm sure he'd iron for me on his day off, but I like that he has time to do his thing. Doesn't stop me getting frustrated, mind you. But at least I know it's my choice not to say anything.

And before anyone says - he really wouldn't see what needed doing. He'd iron clothes as he needed and men don't feel the house-pride women seem to feel.

sarahs999

I think the resentment thing is true and I have talked to him about that. And he has suggested I take up a hobby. I can see that this would be good for me but clearly it needs to be something that fits around our already quite complicated lives.

Also I wanted to address something that kept coming up earlier about the putting-the-son to bed thing being a chore. The reason I feel irritated by it is that somehow I am the default carer at bedtime - DH suddenly has something very important to do in the office, or says he will come up in a minute but never does. It never occurs to him that maybe I'd like to sit down for half an hour (he gets home earlier than me and has usually been watching TV or something with DS for an hour) while he takes on the routine. I don't see why my arrival home means he should skulk off. It's one of the few times the three of us get together each day and I really feel strongly we should savour it - they're not little for long.

Case in point - last night, at half past six (the time we start bedtime), after he had been in the office for half an hour, I said to him, do you think you could start DS's bathtime off? Yes, in a minute, he said. I've just got to do something. He then proceeded to start to put a new hard drive in his laptop! That could easily have been done after DS had gone to bed, but suddenly it became a great idea to do it then. I held out for as long as possible, and finally, at 7.15, I took DS upstairs myself, full of irritation. My irriation took the whole night to wear off. It's because it's every single night, not jsut a one-off.

Hmmm. Clearly I need to have a long chat...

lostinrates

sarahs999 wrote: »

I think the resentment thing is true and I have talked to him about that. And he has suggested I take up a hobby. I can see that this would be good for me but clearly it needs to be something that fits around our already quite complicated lives...

Or something you can fit your lives around