Division of labour - big row brewing

the_cat

sarahs999 wrote: »

He's an adult. I'm feeling increasingly like his mother and I resent it. And he HAS lived on his own, for plenty of years, so he can run a house. One of the things I was most impressed with him about when I first met him was how 'grown up' he was. It seems that he's let it slip now we're married.

You know what, I could have written that myself. OH has run a household from the age of about 14 (his mum had cancer, dad worked away) and lived alone in a flat before we got together. So is more than capable.

Despite this as the years have gone on, he has become more and more reliant on me to sort his life out for him. Drives me mad. He has even taken to asking me what he is doing on (eg) Tuesday night as he has had an invite out. !!!!!!!!

Probably I am at fault in part. He does things much slower than me and I get impatient. When I left him in charge of some of the household bills (about 20 years ago) the house was uninsured for several months until I realised. I have never trusted him with bills again and wouldn't trust him with them after that but still resent that it all falls to me. Not logical but entirely true.

Despite this he will do absolutely any chore that I ask or allocate him without grumbling and I know that he views chores as a joint responsibility. It's just that he would never notice the black rim around the bath or the knee deep crumbs in the kitchen.

So I have learnt for a peaceful life to pick my battles. Doing the finances is better for my peace of mind. Telling him to work out for himself what he is doing on a given night and sorting it out himself usually draws an embarrased look, followed by action. Asking him to do a particular chore(s) works well, especially if I say at the start of the week something like ' I am going to be snowed under this week, could you clean the bathroom over the next couple of days'.
I have accepted that I am never going to change him and an aggresive row is not going to help (trust me, I've tried!) Try to find a balance. I don't like having to 'ask' for something I view as a joint responsibility but that is the method which works, so I do it

And remember that you will feel at your most resentful in the run up to Xmas as that is when we have so much extra to do. Don't blow it out of proportion

Caroline73_2

My hubby was totally useless and will leave it all to me. I have two jobs, one is working a night shift (maybe 60 hours a month or more) the other is a business I run from home. I think subconsciously he thinks I am at home all day so can do all the work.

Amazingly he thinks I do everything except the ironing. It's not true. I will sort the washing into piles and then say 'when you go past, can you pick up the darks and put them in please'. Or I will say 'can you wash up while I make the packed lunches'

If you have the 'in a minute syndrome' start the job yourself - such as switching on the bath taps' then go downstairs start the washing up, send LO upstairs to tell Daddy to give him the bath. Your OH can't say in aminute if the bath is in danger of running over.

thistledome

This thread reminds me of that bit in The Women's Room about the man marrying the girl because she was "spunky and fun" and after she'd had a house to run and kids to look after for a few years, finding that she was no longer "spunky and fun" and was actually a nagging drudge, and a bit like his Mum!

I think it's quite common for Women to feel like their Husband is another child to be looked after and if you feel like his Mum you are probably doing too much for him. If you keep giving, then other people will keep taking. That applies to Men, Women, other animals and relationships of every kind IMO.

Bottled up resentment will only hurt your marriage in the long term. You must talk to him about your feelings. Don't wait until you're at the end of your tether and end up screeching in frustration like a hysterical nut. Most Men don't respond well to that IME.

Steel_2

Person_one wrote: »

You don't want to have to cajole, encourage, reward or harrass a grown man to contribute to his family and his environment!

That's it precisely! Hubby was single for nine years before I met him and looked after his own house, although I suspect his mum still cleaned his bathroom. He knows what bleach is but he looks confused at how it gets used in there and pointed out to me once that he didn't clean toilets, they cleaned themselves. Er no. Skid marks stay until they are scrubbed off. He only realised last year I cleaned the toilet and was aghast. He stood in the doorway and said pompously "a wife of mine shouldn't clean toilets" at which point I lost it, waved the scrubby toilet brush in his face and yelled "are you going to do it then?" No reply. "Are you going to pay for a cleaner?" Silence. "Then f**k off and stop winding me up."

Normally I'm a mild-mannered understanding person but I took that very personally.

I got a cup of coffee in the bath that night and he tiptoed round me.

Brighton_belle

Steel wrote: »

and said pompously "a wife of mine shouldn't clean toilets" at which point I lost it, waved the scrubby toilet brush in his face and yelled "are you going to do it then?" No reply. "Are you going to pay for a cleaner?" Silence. "Then f**k off and stop winding me up."

Normally I'm a mild-mannered understanding person but I took that very personally.

I got a cup of coffee in the bath that night and he tiptoed round me.

:rotfl::rotfl:that is brilliant Steel - thanks for sharing. I definitely think you carped the dium.

barbara_anne

One thing no-one else appears to have pointed out:

Your OH is a teacher, right? So he gets half terms, Christmas and summer off. I take it that during this time he provides childcare for your son? That's a large amount of time. Surely this is a big contribution to the household? I think it's only right that he took a day off to go fishing, after all, you're looking at about 14 weeks of childcare that he's providing for you.

bylromarha

funkymonkey849 wrote: »

What happens when they don't!

You leave it - you trust your partner, you don't do it.

They said they'll do it and you continue to leave it until they do. Divvying up the jobs the next night, you do a "I'm not doing the washing up tonight as there's still last nights to be done. I'll get on with the..."

Should you run out of plates, you wash one up for you and the younger family members as needed. Happened once with my OH and when I told him he'd need to wash up a plate to serve his dinner onto, he did the whole lot in 3 sittings, then ate his dinner.

I will not and choose not to nag him. I'm his wife who loves him, cherishes him and wants the best for him. I will not be his mother.

sarahs999

barbara_anne wrote: »

One thing no-one else appears to have pointed out:

Your OH is a teacher, right? So he gets half terms, Christmas and summer off. I take it that during this time he provides childcare for your son? That's a large amount of time. Surely this is a big contribution to the household? I think it's only right that he took a day off to go fishing, after all, you're looking at about 14 weeks of childcare that he's providing for you.

This is true Barbara Anne, although he does have a propensity to run home to mum and dad as soon as the summer holiday comes around as it makes his life easier...

Also let's not forget that that is still 14 weeks of holiday he's having there.

londoner1998

sarahs999 wrote: »

Lots of stuff I don't agree with there, but basically, he's not a child. He's an adult. I'm feeling increasingly like his mother and I resent it. And he HAS lived on his own, for plenty of years, so he can run a house. One of the things I was most impressed with him about when I first met him was how 'grown up' he was. It seems that he's let it slip now we're married.

And you know what? I don't want to draw up a damned chart. That's another thing I have to do! :rotfl:

Not sure a rota would work for us, but I quite like the idea of making a mark when we've done something so we can work out where the problems are. My four year old has a chart and he gets stickers for doing jobs, I refuse to have a similar principle for my 39-year-old husband!

I have a very similar problem with OH (oh, but today that's the least of my worries!) and I realised I ended up telling him what to do. Constantly. Which infuriated him and exhausted me. I found that saying 'can you help me with...?' works better than 'you haven't done...X'. I agree that you shouldn't be expected to behave like his mum. So stop the lists. He will only start dreading the moment of getting home. I am not saying you let him get away with it, but it is a sad fact of life that in long term relationships things start to slip and people get cossier, to put it softly. Also, it took me ages to understand that what is extremely important for me, doesn't even feature in his universe. He doesn't do it because not he doesn't appreciate your work, but because it is not his priority. I am more relaxed now and break things is small chunks- kitchen floor, kitchen top/oven, grass/bathroom... and if it doesn't happen, well, it is not the end of the world.

I have made a resolution to have more 'me' time in the New Year (we both work very long hours) and this could help you too, I'm sure.

And if things start to slide badly, rather than pointing out, 'the washing up is not done', start doing it, like they pointed out before. Next time, leave it and if he wants to eat, gently, ask whether he could do the washing up, as you did it last... try not to stress about it- this is about making it easier for you, not exhausting yourself. :cool:

londoner1998

the_cat wrote: »

You know what, I could have written that myself. OH has run a household from the age of about 14 (his mum had cancer, dad worked away) and lived alone in a flat before we got together. So is more than capable.

Despite this as the years have gone on, he has become more and more reliant on me to sort his life out for him. Drives me mad. He has even taken to asking me what he is doing on (eg) Tuesday night as he has had an invite out. !!!!!!!!

Probably I am at fault in part. He does things much slower than me and I get impatient. When I left him in charge of some of the household bills (about 20 years ago) the house was uninsured for several months until I realised. I have never trusted him with bills again and wouldn't trust him with them after that but still resent that it all falls to me. Not logical but entirely true.

Despite this he will do absolutely any chore that I ask or allocate him without grumbling and I know that he views chores as a joint responsibility. It's just that he would never notice the black rim around the bath or the knee deep crumbs in the kitchen.

So I have learnt for a peaceful life to pick my battles. Doing the finances is better for my peace of mind. Telling him to work out for himself what he is doing on a given night and sorting it out himself usually draws an embarrased look, followed by action. Asking him to do a particular chore(s) works well, especially if I say at the start of the week something like ' I am going to be snowed under this week, could you clean the bathroom over the next couple of days'.
I have accepted that I am never going to change him and an aggresive row is not going to help (trust me, I've tried!) Try to find a balance. I don't like having to 'ask' for something I view as a joint responsibility but that is the method which works, so I do it

And remember that you will feel at your most resentful in the run up to Xmas as that is when we have so much extra to do. Don't blow it out of proportion

Are we with the same man??? YOu could have described my oh!!

There he is now, pretending to be asleep to avoid having an uncomfortable conversation. Oh well, he did the washing up after asking him only once today