Division of labour - big row brewing

sarahs999

My DH and I have been married five years and I love him dearly. I know he loves me too. We have a very solid foundation but over the past few months I have become increasingly upset at what I think is an unequal split in the division of labour in our household. We both work full time and have a four (nearly five) year old son at school.

I have tried to bring this up before but he gets very defensive and says he works really hard, and do I really think he doesn't pull his weight in the house... welll, er, yes, I do actually!

I've been making a list because I keep wondering if I'm forgetting things that he does, but I don't think I am. I honestly think he just doesn't recognise the amount of things that need doing in a house. About a year ago we decided to get a cleaner, even though we are on a huge pay-off-our-debts spree, because the state of the house was really getting both of us down yet we never had time to clean (he also gigs to earn extra money and I do mystery shopping, have my own cake business as a sideline etc).

DH rediscovered fishing earlier this year and during the summer would go a couple of times a week (he's a teacher so was on holiday), leaving our DS with grandparents. I got resentful of this because it would never occur to me, when I have time off, to go and pursue a hobby instead of spending time with DS. Maybe I should, but then I'm sure I would just suffer mother's guilt.

Anyway, here's the list (which is just stuff we HAVE to do in the house, rather than things we choose to do). The question is, how should I bring this up again? Should I just show him the list? Or is that spoiling for a fight?


Me

Laundry
Internet food shopping
food planning for the week
some (probably majority) of cooking
Taking DS to school
Paying and comunicating with the cleaner
Most nights, the default 'putter-to-bed' for DS
Present buyer/ Card writer and sender for all our friends and relatives
packed lunch maker (when we do this)
Point of contact for all DS's school stuff (dinner money, complaints etc)
Organiser of DS's social life
All the household finances including utilities


DH
picking DS up from childminder after school
Car maintenance and petrol
Ironing DS's uniform
some cooking
DIY
fixing household things that are broken

BitterAndTwisted

In my opinion presenting someone with a list could be seen as a very challenging and aggressive act, especially to someone who is already defensive. I would be reading into your DH's defensiveness an admission that he realises that responsibilities are not equally shared but the issue with the way (a lot of) men think is that they need to be asked, not that they must or should see what obviously needs to be done. Some of these things are patently obvious to a sensible woman but not clearly understood by a man.

Perhaps one solution might be to draw up a list of daily chores and you each tick them off once done. Or, of course, you could go on strike, just get the bare essentials done and try to relax your very high standards. Falling over a mountain of unwashed laundry can be a huge incentive to helping getting it done.

Kandipandi

sarahs999 wrote: »

Paying and comunicating with the cleaner

:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

Sorry but that made me laugh out loud! - I would not put that on your list if you are presenting it to him.

sarahs999

Kandipandi wrote: »

:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

Sorry but that made me laugh out loud! - I would not put that on your list if you are presenting it to him.

Why not? It's just another one of the things I do that he never thinks about doing.

kegg_2

To be honest I think you are being daft. You are ment to be a parnership and family .

If you want him to do something or give you a hand ask him. If you start giving him a list of what you think he does in reation to what you go then it could backfire when he gives you a list back.
There is alot missing from your list which he could well be doing
which you dont noitce or have forgotten about.

mrcow

I think you need to relook at your list. Most of the stuff on it are hardly "jobs".

Seriosly - if this is all you are doing on top of a f/t job, then you've got it easy.

If you're bothered about him having a hobby and you not, then perhaps it would be an idea to get a hobby that you enjoy to even it out?

sarahs999

Yes Kegg, we are meant to be a partnership and a family. So why isn't it a more equal partnership?

Also, what do you think I've left out? I'm genuinely interested as there may well be things I've forgotten.

sarahs999

Mr cow, are you you serious? a full time job, plus a side business? Plus running most of the house on my own? Not to mention trying to be a good mum? And as I pointed out, this is just basic stuff in the house, things that have to be done.

kegg_2

bins, rubbish cleaeance, gardening, lawn mowing, washing up, dish washer clearing,
sorting holidays, sorting pensions and long term financial savings, sorting car insurance, house insurance ect

Justr a few off the top of my head but i am sure i can think of more

mrcow

sarahs999 wrote: »

Mr cow, are you you serious? a full time job, plus a side business? Plus running most of the house on my own? And as I pointed out, this is just basic stuff in the house, things that have to be done.

Taking your child to school and keeping in contact with the school and having friends etc over for your son are not "chores".

Paying bills isn't a "chore"

Doing an online shop isn't a "chore" (you don't even have to get off your bum to do it!)

Yes I'm serious.

Putting your own child to bed isn't a "chore" neither is making ther lunch.

Kandipandi

sarahs999 wrote: »

Why not? It's just another one of the things I do that he never thinks about doing.

Seriously??

Because if it had said - go to work full time and then come home and do ALL of the housework yourself - with your own hands - and in your own time, that may have warranted a mention but - pay the cleaner - its ludicrous!