Division of labour - big row brewing

sarahs999

kegg wrote: »

bins, rubbish cleaeance, gardening, lawn mowing, washing up, dish washer clearing,
sorting holidays, sorting pensions and long term financial savings, sorting car insurance, house insurance ect

Justr a few off the top of my head but i am sure i can think of more

Thanks Kegg.

All finances are done by me, as mentioned in original post.
Dishwasher is mostly me. Washing up is split pretty equally.
Holidays are 100% me.
Car insurance is me, despite the fact I don't drive!
House insurance is me.

sarahs999

Kandipandi wrote: »

Seriously??

Because if had said - go to work full time and then come home and do ALL of the housework yourself - with your own hands - and in your own time, that may have warranted a mention but - pay the cleaner - its ludicrous!

I'm not sure you understand where I'm coming from. It's not about how long or arduous the chores are, it's about who is taking reponsibility for them.

ema_o

Showing him the list would probably result in a fight, if he's anything like my OH he'll get very defensive, and either point out things that are not jobs in his opinion (presents & cards is one that springs to mind) or point out other things that he does that he thinks counts as a job (but that you don't think of as a job).

I think that me & OH get a fair split because we tend to do the housework / jobs at the same time, so we come in from work, one of us hangs out the washing and the other cooks dinner / does hoovering etc. Obviously it doesn't work perfectly all the time, but it does motivate both of us when we do it. I would start to be resentful if I was doing jobs & OH was sat around watching TV, however I have no probs if he is out at the gym etc.

The way my friends do it works well too, they each do part of one job, so one cooks dinner, the other makes packed lunches and loads the dishwasher, one does the washing, the other hangs it out.

I think you probably do need a hobby as well, even if you do something that includes your son, so you are not stuck doing housework when your OH is out on his fishing weekends!

sarahs999

mrcow wrote: »

Paying bills isn't a "chore"

.

Yes it is. Don't tell me you enjoy it. :rotfl:

Kandipandi

I understand that you listed dealing with and paying the cleaner as a chore - I would be delighted to have that as one of my chores instead of actually cleaning my own home myself!

kegg_2

all in all it doesn't look like you are bing taken for granted. You are just probably feeling stressed because of the time of year.
His list is shorter but more labour intensive than yours. If you think you have been hard done by in the run up to christmas think of a room to get him to decorate in the new year. That will even it up

Debt_Free_Chick

The fact that you feel as if something's wrong is enough to consider whether "something needs to be done".

I wonder, though, what your feelings are trying to tell you. Is that your DH doesn't do as much as you do? Or is it that he doesn't appreciate what you do and doesn't demonstrate his appreciation?

I have to admit, that your list does seem to focus on a number of small things. It is hard to imagine how much "work" or "effort" needs to go into paying and communicating with the cleaner. A man would probably just leave a note with the cash on the side and not even consider that as "a job that needs doing".

It's likely that you each have your own ideas about what needs to be done; what's involved in doing it; and who should do it. You should talk about this and each of you should try and see things from the other's point of view.

In a relationship, you need to work from your own positions in to one of compromise. It's not about him coming over to your point of view - or vice versa.

Kandipandi

Look it's rather simple - tell him what you want him to do, present a list if it makes you feel better but lead him by the hand and show him what you want from him and ask if he can manage that.

If it is bothering you so much he will probably be happy to help out a bit more but sit and tell him.
I would slant it more that you are very tired and need help, not he is lazy and needs to do more.
Then if he does keep up his part - happy days!
If not go back and discuss it with him.

sarahs999

ema_o wrote: »

Showing him the list would probably result in a fight, if he's anything like my OH he'll get very defensive, and either point out things that are not jobs in his opinion (presents & cards is one that springs to mind) or point out other things that he does that he thinks counts as a job (but that you don't think of as a job).

I think that me & OH get a fair split because we tend to do the housework / jobs at the same time, so we come in from work, one of us hangs out the washing and the other cooks dinner / does hoovering etc. Obviously it doesn't work perfectly all the time, but it does motivate both of us when we do it. I would start to be resentful if I was doing jobs & OH was sat around watching TV, however I have no probs if he is out at the gym etc.

The way my friends do it works well too, they each do part of one job, so one cooks dinner, the other makes packed lunches and loads the dishwasher, one does the washing, the other hangs it out.

I think you probably do need a hobby as well, even if you do something that includes your son, so you are not stuck doing housework when your OH is out on his fishing weekends!

Thanks. It did use to work out well but it's slipped. I guess I need to pick my moment.

And you're right on the hobby front. I used to paint but I haven't done so for ages. I suppose I just feel that I have so little time for my son already that I should use weekends to do stuff with him.

onlyroz

Firstly, I consider chores to be things like cooking, washing up, hoovering, mopping, scrubbing the loo, emptying the bins etc etc. And yes, I do most of these things in our household, despite us both working full time. I honestly think that men don't see some of these things as particularly important. If I never hoovered, hubby would probably not notice for a month or two, when the crumb level rose to a level where it crunched under foot. However, if I asked him to do it he probably would without too much of a grumble (but it would be in his own time - whenever that is).