Division of labour - big row brewing

paddy's_mum

What job do you do? As a teacher, he is in what is well recognised as a stressful occupation. Is yours just as taxing or is there a little bit of truth on his side when he intimates that his work is harder than yours?

I found that unfairnesses evened out when each partner took full responsibility for one part of the household chores. In our house, I do every last thing connected with laundry (gathering dirty clothes, sorting, washing, drying, folding, putting away) but hubby does all the hoovering (straightening the room, putting things away, hoovering, dusting down window sills and tables etc). I do everything involving feeding us but hubby sorts out all the bills and paperwork. I clean the toilets but hubby picks up the dog poo in the garden. It works well for us as it is very obvious when and if someone isn't doing their share.

Might that work for you rather than having a blow up when your resentment causes you to let fly?

sarahs999

Debt_Free_Chick wrote: »

The fact that you feel as if something's wrong is enough to consider whether "something needs to be done".

I wonder, though, what your feelings are trying to tell you. Is that your DH doesn't do as much as you do? Or is it that he doesn't appreciate what you do and doesn't demonstrate his appreciation?

I have to admit, that your list does seem to focus on a number of small things. It is hard to imagine how much "work" or "effort" needs to go into paying and communicating with the cleaner. A man would probably just leave a note with the cash on the side and not even consider that as "a job that needs doing".

It's likely that you each have your own ideas about what needs to be done; what's involved in doing it; and who should do it. You should talk about this and each of you should try and see things from the other's point of view.

In a relationship, you need to work from your own positions in to one of compromise. It's not about him coming over to your point of view - or vice versa.

To be honest the list is one that I wrote in the 20 seconds before I wrote the original post, just off the top of my head, based on what I'd done this morning. I realise it might look petty but there's a serious point behind it which has become clear through this discussion, and that's responsibility. I know 'paying the cleaner' isn't a 'chore' in the same sense that darning 100 pairs of socks is, but the fact remains that my DH has never once thought about doing it himself - he just assumes I'll do it. So yes, I do feel like I'm taken for granted. THanks for helping make that clear.

Glamazon

sarah - dont want u to feel I'm getting at you but theres not an awful lot on that list I would say are chores!

I would love a cleaner!

I am currently on maternity leave with a 15 week old baby- whilst OH works full time, I tell him I work 24/7. :rotfl:

We also have BIL lodging with us as well.

Me
Look after Jack - all nappies, feeds, baths, bottles, cares etc - though this is in no way a chore.
Cook EVERY night - though I batch cook so just defrost & reheat with something to go with it.
Make OH's packed lunch for work
Load & unload dishwasher
Washing clothes & drying etc - I refuse to iron, I HATE it so it doesnt get done simples
take bin bags out
hoover, polish, tidy
clean bathrooms & kitchen
move cars if needed
fuel in both cars - do it when I'm out & about
food shopping - in the supermarket (just me & Jack)
put shopping away
do all batch cooking

OH
put wheelie bin out - though I did it today
mow lawns
sort garage
*um struggling now* :rotfl:

he works, comes home, works out, plays with Jack then we chill out. Even when he wasnt working he didn't do anything except help with the shopping & have Jack so I could do stuff - he just doesnt see mess or remember about washing til the basket is overflowing or he runs out of boxers :cool:

BIL does nothing but I didnt expect him to anyway!

things will have to change when I go back to work but I am planning to sort this out in advance so we have a routine we BOTH stick to.

wow looking at this list now I can see why people call me Superwoman :rotfl:

sarahs999

onlyroz wrote: »

Firstly, I consider chores to be things like cooking, washing up, hoovering, mopping, scrubbing the loo, emptying the bins etc etc. And yes, I do most of these things in our household, despite us both working full time. I honestly think that men don't see some of these things as particularly important. If I never hoovered, hubby would probably not notice for a month or two, when the crumb level rose to a level where it crunched under foot. However, if I asked him to do it he probably would without too much of a grumble (but it would be in his own time - whenever that is).

Can we get away from the word 'chore' then, does that help? I'm talking abotu everything it takes to run a household. Perhaps I chose the wrong word.

In answer to another question, I work for a national newspaper.

KarrieBee

Tell me if Im way off the mark here but I think you're feeling that you have all the responsibility for managing the house and making sure things get done.
You mentioned that you "running most of the house on my own?" and that you it is not the actual chores but that you feel that you are "taking reponsibility for them".

For this reasopn I don't think advice like make a list of what you would like you OH to do or (God forbid!)lead him by the hand and show him what you want from him and ask if he can manage that will work for you. I think in a lot of couples even though both partners work full time, one of them takes the lead in managing the house (in my case I do as I am the worst control freak and my OH is lovely and chilled!)

I think if you feel your OH doesn't appreciate what goes into managing a home and family you need to talk to him calmly about how you feel.

And I'm sure it would be far better if you could make time for yourself even just a couple of hours a month to paint or whatever than feeling guilty or resentful.

Sorry if i read you wrong and i'm blethering like a fool!
HTH

coco1980

hehe i would love a cleaner, my OH does most of the cooking and cleaning up of the kitchen. i do everything else and im quite happy to although we both work full time and have 10 yo ds who also has to help with household tasks

Glamazon

sarahs999 wrote: »

Can we get away from the word 'chore' then, does that help? I'm talking abotu everything it takes to run a household. Perhaps I chose the wrong word.

In answer to another question, I work for a national newspaper.

my post seems abit pointless now sorry

but I also pay all the bills, sort out all the house finances & I run the house. OH wouldnt have a clue & tbh probably doesnt want to know!

zara*elise

I think what I can see here, as an outsider and only hearing one side of the story, is the fact you resent your OH having alone time, ie his fishing. There's nothing to say you shouldn't have a hobby, would you not consider cake making your hobby, seeing as you have a f/t job? If you do your cakemaking as it helps pay for essential bills, then fair enough, but if you only have this business as it's something you enjoy doing then that's the same as your OH going fishing.

As an aside, and this isn't meant in a negative way to you at all, but I can't see how putting your child to bed can be a chore on your list, I know some of the most comforting, best times of my childhood was when my mum used to put us to bed. If you feel it's a chore, then maybe a re-evaluation of your relationship with your DS is in order. Again, this isn't meant in a -ive way!

Why not set out a chore chart? Is your son old enough to help with chores? If so, even if he's little, ensure that you split out your chores equally and your OH will see that it's a family affiar, not just him.

I really do think you have it easy, and persoanlly, if I was in your situation I wouldn't complain at all! My OH and I used to both work full time, plus then I'd have to do all the housework and laundry and cooking etc while he took care of the shopping, errands and finances. Phyiscally I did much more work, but mentally he had to cope with a lot more so it evened out.

I really think you're very fortunate to have a DH who workd to support his family, and who helps out as well, even if you feel it's only a little.

Steel_2

You should stop suffering from a mother's guilt. You're entitled to some down time the same as your hubby, but many women (me included) think of ourselves as superwomen and try to do too much. Take one chunk of time once a week for yourself. Get out of the house and do something you enjoy. You need it.

I also wouldn't present the list to him. I would ask him to do things when they need doing and don't feel guilty if he pouts. You have to be able to ask for what you want clearly, without emotion and turn a blind eye if he complains. There's no reason why you can't split the cooking down the middle (if necessary tell him you're running late and could he get dinner on). He could also iron a few more bits and pieces while the iron is on after he's done DS's uniform - perhaps his own shirts? And then perhaps he could also go and do the shopping for you once you've done a meal plan and a list. That would start to even up the things a little.

However, I would also learn to do basic car maintenance yourself, like checking oil and tyres and filling with petrol etc because your list is starting to become split into 'men's' tasks and 'women's' tasks and you run the risk of him thinking certain things as 'your' job. Shake things up a little.

For example, hubby cut up a load of fire wood with a circular saw at the weekend, however I had done it the previous two occasions. I hand-washed the car about month ago and he did it last week. He normally cleans out the fire grate but I fancied doing it the other day so I did. I paint and decorate because I enjoy it, but hubby preps the walls first.

In my experience many men do not understand the effort that goes into looking after a home and garden and it simply passes them by. Unfortunately that often (not always) comes from being brought up having a mum doing a lot for them. My hubby, BIl and FIl did not lift a finger with housework - my MIL did it all for them.

I now flat out ask him to do something, regardless of the grousing and pouting, or there are consequences. Something won't get done by me that makes his life more pleasant and enjoyable.

Two weeks ago he pulled out the kitchen sink to do some plumbing and plasterboarding. I told him I would wash up using the bath. Fast forward a week and he still hadn't lifted a finger to do either plumbing or plasterboarding and get the sink back in. So I announced one evening while he was surfing the net there would be no dinner as I could no longer manage the logistics of washing up in the bath as my back hurt bending over and there was nothing clean to cook dinner in. Then I sat down with a cup of tea and a bowl of cereal. Two minutes later he went into the kitchen and replumbed in the sink. The plasterboarding didn't get done, but I got my sink back within an hour. I then cooked dinner.

Sometimes if you complain you can't cope and then show people you can, you give them a mixed message that you can cope regardless of what their actions are and the truth is you can't.

KarrieBee

zara*elise wrote: »

I really think you're very fortunate to have a DH who workd to support his family, and who helps out as well, even if you feel it's only a little.

Sorry but can I just ask why when OP does housework it is her role and when OH does it it is helping out - am I missing something, is it not his house too, does OP not also work full time or have I landed in a 1950s time warp?