Division of labour - big row brewing

mrcow

sarahs999 wrote: »

I realise it might look petty but there's a serious point behind it which has become clear through this discussion, and that's responsibility. I know 'paying the cleaner' isn't a 'chore' in the same sense that darning 100 pairs of socks is, but the fact remains that my DH has never once thought about doing it himself - he just assumes I'll do it.

Well I think we could all empathise with you over that! I know I'm going to sound sexist, but I honestly think it's a "man" thing. Many men are simply rubbish about doing much of the stuff like this - if I left it to my b/f, our children would never have anyone over, wouldn't have birthday parties, everything would get paid late, we'd all be eating the same thing every day, no one would ever get a birthday or Christmas card (let alone a present) and no one would ever have the correct stuff for school etc.

It's easier to let you do it - as you are better at it. I agree, the responsibility of it can be very wearing. All you can do is take one thing - say......doing the meal planning or cooking and ask your husband to do it more often and see how he gets on.

funkymonkey849

I am in the same situation where I feel that i do more around the house, and when I point out the things I do then it looks really petty - but they all add up, and the point is that one person shouldn't have to do more than the other.

It all came to a head one day when I came home at 5pm and did odd jobs and chores until 7pm, while OH had been at home all day and hadn't done a single thing. I was feeling increasingly annoyed and when I asked him to do something and he called me a nag I just flipped out.

I said I do everything and he does nothing, he started downplaying what I do and sayining the jobs 'only take a minute'. I pointed out that I hadn't stopped for 2 hours and although it seems like nothing it is actually all the things that keep the house ticking over. He still maintained that I didn't do more than him when the evidence was staring him in the face! I was furious and we fell out big style. I still don't think he sees it quite the same as me, but I have printed off a checklist and responsiblilities that we both have to do divided into week 1 and week 2 so you swap chores every week and it's fair. This is the first week it is in action so we'll see how much gets done!!!

It's not just the physical washing of floors etc, it's the organising of life in general that I seem to have responsibility for and it annoys me, I have to organise myself AND him and it's not fair, but if I don't then we'll end up living a life of crap where nothing gets done! So I can't win! For example we're in the process of buying a house and I have sorted out everything... viewings, mortgage appointments, solicitors, getting quotes, finding suitable properties, putting in the offer...everything. It does my head in.

No advice really just a rant to let you know you're not alone, but maybe try a check list of chores, at the very least it will show him what needs to be done around the house and how stuff doesn't just magically happen - someone needs to do it!

bylromarha

I think most men just don't see what the women see. Out of many friends, i only have one male who gets annoyed if their house is dirty - then gets on and cleans it himself.

Broadly, women take the jobs onto themselves, then moan when their OH doesn't do them - why should they? the women's already doing it and, in some cases, gets grumped at as they don't do it right!

They way it works with us is that I take a lead in ensuring money is sorted, housework, kids. OH with the DIY stuff.

But it's a lead! I ask him to do a job round the house, give him times I'd like it done by, then leave him to do it his way and within his time. I've had to learn to let go of being in control of how he does it and be grateful the washing is put out rather than moan that the jumpers aren't lying flat.

OP - you both can't lead on running a house. Either divvy up jobs and stick to it, or continue taking the lead and ask OH to help where you need him to help.

paddy's_mum

I know I've told this story on here before but the OP might get a rueful smile and sense of recognition out of it - so here goes.

A husband came home from work one day, expecting the normal tidy house, well behaved children, welcoming wife and supper on the table a few minutes later.

He walked into the house to find the cat halfway up the curtains, held at bay by the family's snarling dog. Two unwashed and mud smeared children were trying to kill each other in the hall. The kitchen was a shambles with dirty laundry in piles across the floor, crockery and dishes piled unwashed in the sink, jammy handprints across every surface. No comforting smell of supper greeted him, indeed there were no clean pans in any case.

In the lounge, his wife -still in her dressing gown - was sharing a bottle of wine and a box of chocs with two neighbours. When he lost his temper and yelled, demanding to know what the blazes was going on, his wife calmly replied ...

I thought the best way to show what I do all day was not to do it!

Michelin

sarahs999 wrote: »

Why not? It's just another one of the things I do that he never thinks about doing.

Because you are very lucky to have a cleaner and that is something that you don't have to do - clean the house!!!

MissMotivation

I'm sorry but I really don't understand the OP's gripe? Is it that you haven't the time to do all the "chores" or is it that you resent the time your Husband has to do his hobbies?

If it's 'time' then I don't see that you really have an issue. If I compare what you do to what I do as a single mother......work 50-60 hour weeks and do absolutely everything to do with running a household, looking after a child, gardening, car maintenance, bill-paying etc then I fit it all in and have time to do hobbies/going out etc.

If its a resentment thing then the answer is to do things that interest you.

I don't really see why this is such an issue and certainly not one to argue about

funkymonkey849

MissMotivation wrote: »

I'm sorry but I really don't understand the OP's gripe? Is it that you haven't the time to do all the "chores" or is it that you resent the time your Husband has to do his hobbies?

If it's 'time' then I don't see that you really have an issue. If I compare what you do to what I do as a single mother......work 50-60 hour weeks and do absolutely everything to do with running a household, looking after a child, gardening, car maintenance, bill-paying etc then I fit it all in and have time to do hobbies/going out etc.

If its a resentment thing then the answer is to do things that interest you.

I don't really see why this is such an issue and certainly not one to argue about

Er do you think it's fair that one person should have more jobs and responsibilities than the other? That's what the problem is. Your life has absolutley no relevance to the OP's life. A relationship is supposed to be shared - the good things, the bad things, and the everyday things.

Brighton_belle

But isn't that the point Missmotivation - you do it for you - the OP is expected to do it for herself (normal) and for another adult who is happy to coast on someone elses efforts.

sarahs999

KarrieBee wrote: »

Sorry but can I just ask why when OP does housework it is her role and when OH does it it is helping out - am I missing something, is it not his house too, does OP not also work full time or have I landed in a 1950s time warp?

Thank you! The root of the inequality.

MissMotivation

funkymonkey849 wrote: »

Er do you think it's fair that one person should have more jobs and responsibilities than the other? That's what the problem is. Your life has absolutley no relevance to the OP's life. A relationship is supposed to be shared - the good things, the bad things, and the everyday things.

If you had read my post correctly you would understand the point I was trying to make.

As I said.....if it's a time issue then I don't see the problem....it can be done, this is why I compared it to my situation.

If it's an inequality issue then that's a different matter but IME no relationship is completely equal, it's a partnership and you both need to do what has to be done. I don't a point in arguing about it that's all.