Division of labour - big row brewing

Glamazon

KarrieBee wrote: »

Sorry but can I just ask why when OP does housework it is her role and when OH does it it is helping out - am I missing something, is it not his house too, does OP not also work full time or have I landed in a 1950s time warp?

I agree - on the odd occassion OH does something to 'help me out' he is reminded that they aren't my job so he's not helping me out at all. Just doing what needs to be done

flippin36

Me and OH have a unequal division of labour - but it works very well. Some years ago we decided that we would simply pick the jobs we either like/don't mind doing. It certainly wasn't fair in terms of our workload, but we were both happier with the chores we had to do. For example, I will happily iron all day if i have the radio on in the background, I find it relaxing. I HATE cooking so OH does that every night. I also like cleaning the bathroom (I know I'm wierd) I like fouffing with the towels and smellies and making the taps and tiles shine. I hate washing up, so I stack the DW and OH does the other stuff.

Bennifred

I can understand why Sarah feels a bit resentful - it's not so much about doing the chores, more that she feels responsible for arranging/ sorting everything for the whol family. It is very common for the female partner to feel this way, in my experience!
I think the easiest way to address this would be to ask OH to take over one specific area so that HE is responsible for everything to do with that (finances?). I only suggest finances because that is an area that can take a fair amount of time if you include sorting insurances etc, but is a bit separate from the daily "grind".

KarrieBee

Flippin36, we did that too - picked our least hated jobs, so I cook most of the time as I love it, I iron - with radio or TV to keep me company and do the bathroom. I also do the washing of clothes as it is a bit of a blind spot for OH, then he hangs the washing (yes I get the good part of that deal!)OH takes care of the kitchen, washing up, bins etc as I hate that. We both hoover, dust and tidy as and when. we don't have a garden or a car so no jobs there!

Buttonmoons

I'm a SAHM and OH works hard (plus not uncommon for him to have to stay late and do weekends) the only thing I ever ask him to do, is dishes maybe once or twice a week (or we halve the load if it's a big pile - we both loathe dishes!) and ask him if before he goes to bed if he'll give the living room a quick tidy up (toys off the floor into a pile for me to put away in the morning, any plates, cups etc in the sink, shoes put away at the door) Not hard, 5min job.

I do everything else. His mum did everything for him so he just doesn't notice mess or dirty toilet rims like I do.

I even had to book HIS driving lessons :rotfl: and he doesn't like making his sandwiches for work because it's "boring" What about me? I don't even get to eat them! Lol. I really don't mind though. My house isn't spotless and never will be, but we seem to muddle on fine without major issue and drama.

OP I wouldn't say talking to your cleaner is a chore, if that was the case if the postman knocks on the door with a parcel, do I stick that on the list of chores I have to do too because OH would be at work?

I always put DD to bed as she plays up with OH and demands more stories, and he gives in.....It's not a chore, more so if you read them Harry Potter

lostinrates

I'm just wondering why a little boy couldn't go fishing? I understand it might mean shorter time spent fishing for you DH, but it would help him learn about nature, and patience and the need to be quiet but it could be the start of something they share.

Raksha

It sounds as if a lot of us are married to the OP's OH's brothers.....

OP - would it help if you sat down together and made a joint list of the jobs you both do (and maybe how much of your time it takes for each job) and then 'reallocate' them?

I understand how you feel - I feel I can rarely concentrate 100% on 'Me' as I always have half an ear cocked on my teenage boys (making sure they aren't killing each other usually) and can rarely simply relax and know I'm not going to be disturbed for an hour or two - it's like re charging the batteries.

What I've found really helped was to make the list (as above) and make a monthly menu, so shopping can be done on line with the occasional weekly trip for fresh foods (bread/milk/sandwich filling), this means no thought needed for daily meals, and we choose simple to cook things on the days I'm working and OH isn't (he works weird shifts). I enter it all on Outlook (or a similar calendar) and print it off once a week - in theory, this is the only thing I have to think about - the rest of it is on the 'to do' list.

PS - it's not just a list for me and OH, the boys have their regular jobs on it too - laying the table, emptying the dishwasher, sorting out the recycling, tidying rooms, hoovering different areas of the house. Can your 5 year old help either of your with anything, so it becomes more 'family time' where you all pull together to make it work.

HTH

zara*elise

KarrieBee wrote: »

Sorry but can I just ask why when OP does housework it is her role and when OH does it it is helping out - am I missing something, is it not his house too, does OP not also work full time or have I landed in a 1950s time warp?

I didn't say it's her role at all, the fact the the OP has a cleaner would suggest that the majority of housework isn't done by either of them, as the OP has clarified. I was merely stating that of some of the women I know, that have to work full time AND do housework (proper cleaning, not just paying the bills etc) the OP is very fortunate that her DH actually does some of the 'chores'. And of the five or six women I know that are in the above situation, two of them have husbands that don't work.

As an aside, what does the husband do for work?

Brighton_belle

I do get where you are coming from OP - I seem to have to take responsibility for everything in running the home/car/our lives and it can get wearing. And things like insurance can't just be left if you have an OH who just wouldn't get round to it.
And I can understand you would like your DH to share the putting DS to bed a bit more 50/50: that would be good for both of them. You are both working and you both must get tired and that end of the day routine can't be endlessly delightful however much you love your child.

I don't agree with one partner suggesting their job is more demanding than another when you both work full time. I do think a bit of me time fishing is ok though and like others have said - you need to find ways to have a break too. Do you have to do the extra MS to make essential ends meet or is it for luxeries?
I think presenting this as you being worn out and tired rather than him not doing enough may be a better to go with this one. And tell him you are not having 'a go' and chossing a relaxed moment may help defuse the defensiveness.

Are there 3 things he could take off your list that would make you feel better? However small the item, the list matters to you, so it matters. Even if it is taking responsibility for paying the cleaner - I understand this is about the build up of small things that always end up your responsibility. not a big deal in themselves, but become overwhelming by their shere number.

mouche

I'm terrible with housework of any sort and have never learnt to do it properly. So I can understand that sometimes having a cleaner isn't necessarily a luxury but essential to your mental (and physical health) health. OH and I both work full time and have no kids so we have no excuse really.

My jobs are the ones I like doing or the ones I can't bear to let OH do coz I know I can do them better (control freak!) - laundry (end to end except ironing), meal planning, shopping (though sometimes he comes along to help carry the bags), tidying, all financial and paperwork related jobs, planning holidays.

He takes the garbage out, cleans the house (except hoovering upstairs), does most of the washing up, gives the clothes to the ironing lady, picks up prescriptions and meds and helps with the cooking.

As you can see his list is much shorter. I also have an online job and spend a lot of time filling surveys, entering competitions etc. - which could be classed as 'work' though I do it because I enjoy it.

I don't mind doing more than him because he does the things I hate like cleaning and washing up and taking the garbage out. But the thing is - he doesn't do those things on his own even though he knows I won't do them. I have to ask him and remind him and stand over him with a rolling pin before he does them!It's a man thing and it works much better to remind them than to expect them to know and do it themselves. The same works in the case of being appreciated - if I wait for him to notice that I've been rushing about all weekend shopping, cooking, doing laundry, filling in tax returns while he watches TV - I'll wait forever. So I tell him I'm feeling overworked and underappreciated and would he please switch off the telly and tell me what a wonderful and useful wife I am. Works every time!

Point I'm trying to make: don't bother with lists - just ask him to do whatever it is you want him to do. And if you're resenting his fishing - adopt a hobby of your own and ask him to look after your son while you do it. It will give dad and son quality time and pass on the 'looking after son' job to him while you do your own thing.