Division of labour - big row brewing

belfastgirl23

I should have said it took me a few years to get to my current zen state. And in the early days I did take his stinking (as in had been washed but not hung up) washing out of the machine, washed my own stuff and then put his back in again. He does appreciate me doing the washing now! He was claiming that washing isn't work but he doesn't do that any more

This is by way of an example though. Your husband knows that if he does not come out to put your son to bed at 6.30 you will do it. You need to get away from that impression. In your shoes, sometime over the Xmas break I'd try again. And let your DS sit. I know it will be hard and will feel unfair on him but it is important that he gets to spend some time wiht dad so it's of benefit to him in the long run. Wait until your DH gets around to it, or leave your DS in the study with him. Yes he'll get grumpy and maybe even past his sleep - maybe this is a time your 'hobby' might assert itself and you might have to go to the gym or something. Then when DH complains about how hard it was to settle DS you can sympathise etc, be nice, but say 'well I guess he was overtired, it must have been hard for you'. Try really hard not to be smug though, you want him to learn the lesson rather than you winning the argument.

If you aren't prepared to leave things be until he does them then why would he ever change? you need strategies to deal with your own behaviour too...

bristol_pilot

Teaching is not only a full-time job, it is one of the most stressful and time-consuming occupations there is. I really think it is unreasonable to expect a teacher to do household chores during term-time and especially during the week. The very last thing he will need when he comes home from a very long and hard days work is to be presented with a LIST of household chores to be done. Presenting him with a LIST when he comes home from work is a very agressive thing to do and tbh is potentially a relationship-breaker, it's the reason I dropped my ex-gf (and I'm not even in teaching).

The thing to do is accept that when two people are both working full-time, either less housework will get done (can you clean less often for example, accepting that the house will be less clean/tidy?), employ a cleaner for a few more hours, get a dishwasher, order a takeaway once in a while, leave the washing up til the weekend....etc

bristol_pilot

Person_one wrote: »

Ok, maybe a bit immature but what is the OP's husband being if not immature?

Tired, probably.

nervousftb_3

bristol_pilot wrote: »

Teaching is not only a full-time job, it is one of the most stressful and time-consuming occupations there is. I really think it is unreasonable to expect a teacher to do household chores during term-time and especially during the week.

is this a joke?! there are plenty of people doing more time-consuming full time jobs out there who still manage a few chores of an evening! or are we back in the 1950s and the man should just expect his woman to have everything done for when he gets home?!

nearlyrich

I work FT DH is retired, I usually come home to dinner ready or in progress, I shop, he carries the bags, I do the washing, he carries the basket down and puts the wet washing in the dryer, folds it when dry etc. We do the bills once per year, sort out all the dd's arrange a payment into the bills account job done. I have a cleaner I pay the company by electronic transfer from my account, he pays when we go to the pub or eat out.

He puts the bins out, I change the bed, he runs the hoover over if required between cleaner days. I cook at weekends, if we cook we wash up, load the DW etc.

I will be working none stop next week as I do most of the Christmas prep, if it upsets you discuss it calmly, most men don't see things that need doing it's not in their nature.

andrealm

What happens then if a couple are both teachers? As my parents were at one point, and when I was at school we had teachers who were a married couple, do you think they left all their chores until the school holidays?:rotfl:

The OP is probably tired too after a long and stressful day at work

perplexed.com

Why should the responsibilities, decisions, chores etc not be roughly equal?

I just don't understand those who are effectively saying that having a p**** is somehow a sort of disability that allows the owner to opt out of fairness and equivalent effort in a joint relationship. Please explain as I honestly can't think of a single good reason.

the_cat

bristol_pilot wrote: »

I really think it is unreasonable to expect a teacher to do household chores during term-time and especially during the week.

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:
......Well all you can do with a comment like that is laugh

LittleMissAspie

I had this problem but it's a lot better now. It's taken a few years though. We had lots of arguments and I presented lots of lists, didn't realise that was a dumpable offence. I organise my entire life with lists, I have them for everything.

I think the best way to make him notice things that need doing, is to not do them. It feels like he'll never notice and the thing will never get done, but it will get noticed in the end.

Like putting your son to bed, your husband will probably have noticed by 8pm. He will then have the hassle of settling an over-tired child, and in the morning he'll have the hassle of getting him up when he hasn't had as much sleep. That will make him realise the importance of it and next time he'll notice when it's bedtime.

I went through a stage of only doing my own laundry. I felt really mean but when my boyfriend ran out of clean pants he soon started noticing when laundry needed doing, unlike before. Now we do half each. I don't have to tell him anymore when some needs doing, he actually notices.

You can't just do this once though, it has to be regularly otherwise he'll think of it as helping you out, rather than doing his share.

clairehi

the_cat wrote: »

When I left him in charge of some of the household bills (about 20 years ago) the house was uninsured for several months until I realised. I have never trusted him with bills again and wouldn't trust him with them after that but still resent that it all falls to me. Not logical but entirely true.

Had the same with my OH and the car insurance and tax (I didnt drive at the time). car was uninsured and not taxed for several months. thank god we didnt have an accident in the meantime.

Guess what its my job now, it is much less stressful just to do it myself than have to remind him, then get accused of nagging, then it doesnt get done anyway.


people who say this kind of thing is not a chore are stupid, it is yet another thing on the list of 100s of things to remember, and it is a chore

my OH does nothing round the house, we both work and have a cleaner, I am going to get a gardener next year too as he also does nothing in the garden. why should I bother when he doesnt?

ps I also get the car washed at tesco as Im not doing that either!