Partner cheated and left - what do I do?

Blackpool_Saver

Lilac as hard as it is please don't stop him from talking to the children, after a while they will resent YOU for it because they don't understand what he did and must never know. See what I mean?

I also would be with them on Christmas day.

Just my opinion of course.

DeeDee74

((hugs)) hun know how u feel i have been in same boat as u. it is hard and it takes time but there is life after the affair.
some lovelly poster's have already gave u some brill advice
take care x

zzzLazyDaisy

I also would be with them on christmas day. They simply won't understand why mummy and daddy don't want to be with them atr christmas.

However, I would not, under any circumstances, agree to living under the same roof as him, while leading separate lives. He has a drink problem, and there is a high risk that OP will end up being the parent figure to him and getting the blame for everything that has gone wrong in his life. He has to find his own way through this and accept responsibility for his life, just as OP does for her life (and those of her children). But of course that is just my take on it.

Lilacblue

Oh god, littlemissmoney, please don't mention suicide. I have said elsewhere that I care about what happens to him. He is the father of my children. i guess I wanted him to just phone them anyway instead of acting like a victim asking permission. This only happened on Sunday and please try to understand that i simply can't get my head round the fact that he screwed this woman with no regard to the consequences for his kids. I know what the right thing to do is, I am just having trouble managing it.

My friends brother committed suicide and it was absolutely horrific. Fifteen years on her family live with the guilt of that. Don't lay that on me as well, my partner has behaved like a sh*t and he has hurt me beyond belief. But I would never ever do anything to encourage, or even allow, someone to do that, let alone someone I loved for nineteen years.

Lilacblue

Please everyone, don't condemn me for one little thing i did tonight, which was to send a text in anger. I loved that man. And as hard as it is I will try to remain on good terms with him in the future.

littlemissmoney

Lilacblue wrote: »

Oh god, littlemissmoney, please don't mention suicide. I have said elsewhere that I care about what happens to him. He is the father of my children. i guess I wanted him to just phone them anyway instead of acting like a victim asking permission. This only happened on Sunday and please try to understand that i simply can't get my head round the fact that he screwed this woman with no regard to the consequences for his kids. I know what the right thing to do is, I am just having trouble managing it.

My friends brother committed suicide and it was absolutely horrific. Fifteen years on her family live with the guilt of that. Don't lay that on me as well, my partner has behaved like a sh*t and he has hurt me beyond belief. But I would never ever do anything to encourage, or even allow, someone to do that, let alone someone I loved for nineteen years.

I didn't mean to upset you. He just seems to have a lot of risk factors Does he have a friend who could take him in and keep an eye on him?

Blackpool_Saver

of course you will sweetie, all I was doing was giving advice and if I am honest, I wish I had had someone say it to me many years ago.

Lilacblue

Both, I only feel upset in as much as it's an idea that has crossed my mind already. He doesn't have family to help him,and his friends are mostly 'our' friends who wouldn't support him if they saw it as being at my expense. I do feel responsible for him, and worried about him too. Look at me now, for example - here i am, getting an overwhelming amount of support from this forum (and believe me, it's amazing) whilst he's trying to sleep in his car somewhere - that all seems a bit desperate and sordid. But I am just trying to keep in mind what he did to me, and how little thought he gave to my own feelings whilst he was carrying on with his tart.

Thanks all. Maybe the wine was a bad idea and i just need to go to bed. It's been quite a day. Thanks for all your posts everyone - even when they contain things i don't want to hear it gives me a sense of perspective, and for that i am grateful. x

zara*elise

hey lovely,

I've just read through this thread. I can completely understand the fact you can't let him into your life. I've also been on the other end of a cheating, lowlife. I actually believed all his lies despite the fact the evidence against him was immense, and it never stopped. He even paraded his little tart in front of me, and made me talk to her the whole night. He was sick. As soon as I left I too got the 'woe-is-me' story from him, it was anything to tug at my heart strings but I had to stick to my guns. He had the nerve to call me the night before my wedding asking me if I ever thought of him and if we could make things work.

This man has been completly selfish in that he has jeopardised his whole family, including his relationship with his children, with this floozy. He didn't have to sleep with her, he didn't have to make it a regular thing, he could have easily left and done the right thing, but he didn't. So if you feel you need to protect your children from this selfish man and it means them having limited contact then so be it. He made his bed, let him lie in it.

Obviously I'm speaking from previous experince, you have to decide on the best course of action, but I can hand on my heart say that everything you've done I would have done too.

xxxxxx

zzzLazyDaisy

Lilacblue wrote: »

Please everyone, don't condemn me for one little thing i did tonight, which was to send a text in anger. I loved that man. And as hard as it is I will try to remain on good terms with him in the future.

No-one in their right mind is going to condemn you for anything - especially not those of us who have been where you are now. We might comment on what you might or might not do - NOT to condemn or criticise you, but because we know only too well that when you are there in the thick of it, with all the emotions - and yes, anger - swirling around, it is sometimes hard to think straight. Sometimes an outsider can bring a voice of reason into a situation, when we are just not functioning well enough to tread an even path.

That is not a criticism, sweetie. You are going to make mistakes, and say hurtful things you don't mean - and worse hurtful things that you do mean. You are not a saint and you have been dumped on from a great height.

But you do have children and they need you. And unfortunately, they also need their Dad, which means you have to find a way of sustaining some form of joint parent relationship with him. But that does not make you responsible for him. He chooses to sleep in his car. Sorry but that is his choice. He could find a bedsit, or lodgings, or kip on a friend's floor, or even put up in a travel-lodge for a few nights. You ARE responsible for keeping a roof over your children's head, you are NOT responsible for providing a roof over his head.