Partner cheated and left - what do I do?

DVardysShadow

zzzLazyDaisy wrote: »

DVardy, you usually give good advice, but this isn't helpful. Everyone reacts differently to this sort of discovery - OP is probably still in shock. Maybe she and her OH will work this out, but she has two young children and needs advice on how to go forward and keep her head above water, until this is sorted out.

Well, I've gone back to the original post and I have had a little think and I come to the same conclusion.

What is going on here? Everyone thinks it is about hanky panky and so on. Let's take a slightly more brutal look at it. Middle aged bloke becomes involved with 20 year old. It is not about her winkie and his willie. It is that she has caught hold of his economic potential and she is seeking to fight that away from our OP.

OP gets details from OH's mobile - how stale is that? It is as old as the hills apart from mobiles not being invented. She falls for it, throws him out, together with a lot of her claim on his economic potential. Strikes me she fell into playing pretty much the role which was scripted for her. She certainly has reduced her ability to keep hold of his economic benefits.

Although throwing him out is understandable, I think that thinking this through first, then throwing him out makes a lot more sense economically. I don't think the advice is so bad

Blackpool_Saver

Hi Lilac, how are you getting on?

roger196

Consider inviting him on Xmas day to open presents for one hour. Ask him to arrive prompt at 1000hrs as you plus children will be leaving at 1100hrs to spend the rest of the day with friends. This way puts a limit on how long he will be there which he knows in advance.
Consider telling his parents that whilst you are no longer together, you still want them to be a regular part in their grandchildrens lives. You hope they will visit regularly and later on be able to have their grandchildren visit them. Cheap babysitting and possibly financial support are additional benefits.
Consider whether it is better to tell joint friends that you have decided to live apart without giving reasons, that you wish your friends not to take sides but retain friendship with both parties. You need to build a new life without "friends" raking over the old wounds.

Quackers

Hope today has been ok Lilac...been thinking about you

Puzzledbubbles

hi liliac,

havent been posting but have been reading. hope you are ok on this chilly night

x

Minimum_Wage_2

Hello Lilacblue, I am so sorry to hear what you have been through as i know how you are feeling and i too have been through something similar but not the same. i have read your post from the start and i can see that you have and are being very strong about this and you are doing great with sorting things out. Yes many posters have given you great advise and i don't think they could say much more about helping you with the financial side of things.

Read back and look at your own posts and how you have come on, in just these few days! but i would like to point out a few things that i have noticed. I have noticed in a few of your posts that you have been drinking, this is fair play as it will help you but i am hoping that you are not drinking too much? the other thing i have noticed is that you do have a lot of hatred for your OH, it is understandable with what you have been through but they say love and hate are the same thing!

I know what your saying and i have read all the posts but its just something that i noticed and wanted to say about it. Have you seen your OH lately? i know he tells you that he is sleeping in the car and that he hasn't any clothes. you said in one of your posts that you were thinking of having him round on Christmas day for your kids. What i would like to say is that you first check him out as you wouldn't want him turning up on that day looking like a begger in the street, plus what will your kids say if they seen him like this?

if you do go ahead with this then you will have to make sure he doesn't touch a drop of alcohol because he could go too far with it and cause a scene in front of the kids. It will be very hard for you to get through that day as you probably haven't seen him for a long time and your emotions will be up and down from minute to minute. the other thing you will have to do is tell your kids at some point because they will ask questions and it will be so hard to tell them.

believe it or not this is hard for me as its dragging up my feelings to because im trying to think of things that you will have to face and how you are feeling. Although you are dealing with all the financial stuff and getting through it at good speed there is still that sorting out of him seeing his kids. This will be the hardest thing of all and as we all know that your children are the innocent one's that have been caught up in all of this, I am talking of what your going through and what he has done.

You are going to have to have a level head when talking to him and try not to let your emotions get the better of you as you will have to sort it out so that your kids can still see him. Its not going to be easy as we all know but its something that has to be done. I know that you want to know all the in's and out's of what went on but then is that only going to make you feel worse or better?

Will you ever know the full extent of it and even if you do will you know for sure if that is all of it, your mind will be playing on this! I know you feel bad towards "miss piggy" but it does sound as if she was led up the garden path as he was telling her lies about being divorced! im not saying that you shouldn't feel the way you do as anyone would in your shoes. When we are in times like this we all want to know everything but does it really help? even if you were to talk to her and ask her all the questions to get your answers what then?

It is hard and it is always on your mind and it will keep on playing on your mind, how can we tell you when to let go of it and put it behind you. Your getting yourself sorted and you are keeping us well posted of whats going on but we all know that your keeping your feelings back a lot. You need to decide about what your going to do with your kids and what your going to tell them, you also need to sort out when your going to let him see them and where.

I am sorry but these are things that do really need sorting badly and the longer you leave it the more its going to drag everything back up. You need to talk to him and at some point see him before you are together infront of your kids. I am so sorry and this will be the hardest thing you will have to do, we will all feel for you as it is really heart breaking and gut wrenching.

I am sorry to have brought this up but it does have to be done.

(((HUGS)))

Lilacblue

WOW!

I have logged on and yet again I am bowled away by your compassion and support. There have been some new posters and some of your advice is just so thoughtful and considered that I feel humbled by you. THANK YOU SO MUCH. You will never know how much this has meant to me. It sounds dramatic but this board and you wonderful people have kept me sane. When I win the lottery (ha!) I am going to rent a big castle and invite you all for the weekend and we will have a fab time and go mad and forget all our problems. How fab would that be?

Lots of people have PM'ed me and I promise I will respond to you all. Again, thanks so much...you are a marvellous bunch:beer:

Here's a bit of an update...I got up nice and early and packed the kiddies off to the childminder. I have been feeling so completely different to yesterday - much more upbeat. I phoned in sick to work, which wasn't very convincing (And I've just been laughing about this in a PM). As a manager myself I get people calling in sick all the time. Sometimes they are obviously ill and sometimes they are just swinging a leg, as the old saying goes. But hey what can you do? I am unfailingly sympathetic, tell them to go to bed and wish them a speedy recovery. However, my boss is the Big Boss and blimey she's formidable. So I phone in but I haven't got my symptoms straight so i give her every symptom going. I've got nausea, vomiting, headache, giddiness and I ache from head to foot 'even my knuckles' (ye gods, why did i put that bit in?) I'm such a rubbish fibber. Anyway, suffice to say I have been off work today.

I called my bank to ask about a mortgage. I do take all your points that I'm rushing ahead with everything but it's a coping mechanism really. After being on the phone for an HOUR AND A HALF they tell me that if I put down all the equity from our house (£60k, and it's not likely as Dear ExBeloved will want his stake) they will lend me the princely sum of £41,000. Oh god, round here that buys me half a caravan. So it seems that I can't rent and I can't buy. Will just pack that whole depressing issue off for another day I think.

Let me reasure you about my drinking as this has caused some concern. I'm not much of a drinker, but last night I did have some wine (and no dinner or tea) and wrote some garbage (what was all that guff about my spider-infested garage about?):rotfl:Thanks for your concern, god knows I understand about problem drinking better than anyone but I'm way too controlled and reserved to go off the rails in any way. And please don't read that wrong, I truly am grateful for your concern. Just don't worry on that score. Crisps and chocolate are far more of a threat.

Well, tonights big news is that HE'S BEEN ROUND! He called earlier to say hi to the kids and I realised that in fact I wasn't going to be able to put up the Christmas tree without some help so I did him a deal - come round and do the tree with the kids (a bit of a family tradition) on the proviso that you stay and talk to me about Miss Piggy in detail. Well, he agreed.

I opened the door and blow me down, he's sporting the biggest shiner in the world. He's got this black eye that goes right round his eye and it's incredible. I felt both pride and shame when i saw it. He said it hurts a bit So in he comes and the kids go WILD when they see him...they love him so much. We put up the tree, and I resist the urge to push him into it. Then we put the kids to bed and actually sit down and talk.

I am so glad that we did. I asked him all sorts of things about what went on, how he had justified it to himself, and so on. It's terribly saddo of me, but I even asked him about what they did in bed:mad::mad::mad: Information is power and at last I got some.

And do you know, I kind of feel better. Not about things ending (and I certainly don't want him back) but that we were able to sit in a room together and that he left in the conventional way ie. through a door, whilst saying 'bye' rather than headfirst onto the pavement whilst being attacked by a madwoman with a wooden hairbrush. And he's sleeping at the travelodge tonight rather than his car.

Anyway, sorry about the long post but that's my update. I hope that tomorrow is more like today and not yesterday when I looked like an extra from the Thriller video. Today I've been much more Kate Winslet.

xxx

DVardysShadow

Good, you are thinking and winning!

Quackers

Lilacblue wrote: »

Let me reasure you about my drinking as this has caused some concern. I'm not much of a drinker, but last night I did have some wine (and no dinner or tea) and wrote some garbage (what was all that guff about my spider-infested garage about?):rotfl:Thanks for your concern, god knows I understand about problem drinking better than anyone but I'm way too controlled and reserved to go off the rails in any way. And please don't read that wrong, I truly am grateful for your concern. Just don't worry on that score. Crisps and chocolate are far more of a threat.
xxx

I was never concerned....didn't sound like you was drinking even half of what I was :rotfl:

I'm glad tonight has gone ok.

I'm glad you didn't feel like you needed him back. Sometimes just seeming them brings back all kinds of weird emotions.

I'm happy that the kids saw him & did their usual tradition of putting up the tree with their daddy....that's so important and as others have said they will never forget these little things that mean so much

I'm glad that you have had good day

I'm worried that you think you need to move out....I'm confident that you are just fine and dandy where you are right now...there is no rush...he cannot force you out of the home...you have 2 children to support and I don't think you need to be worrying too much about this.

Keep smiling Lilac

Lilacblue

Hello Everyone

Thank you for your lovely messages...I reckon that some of you never actually go to bed you know!

I didn't feel the need to do any mad texting last night. That's such a relief. But do you know what? I am so sick of waking up every morning and then remembering what's happened. Today I just feel so so sad and tired and flat. Sometimes when I read some of my posts and they are cheerful or humourous I think 'who wrote that using my name? She can't be me'. I wish I could have just one day of everything being how it was before, just to give me a bit of strength. I could get some jobs done and wrap some of the kids presents. I have absolutely no idea how to feel better.

At the weekend it will be impossible not to tell people what has happened. Friends will drop in and unless I lie about where my partner is, I'll have to say something. Then I have to go through it again, and deal with the incredulity and the endless talking. Even that takes energy, and I haven't got any.

Today is not a Kate Winslet day. I am sitting here in my old tracksuit with terrible frizzy hair and no make-up...more Ann Widdecombe I'd say. I think I might go back to bed for a bit and try and have a sleep. I might wake up really perky again! See you later my friends.