Partner cheated and left - what do I do?

springclean

lilacblue, you are one hell of a lady. what a prat he is for messing this up!

if you're not a writer, i would consider it. an edgy and blunt Bridgett Jones style would suit you. call it therapy, but whatever, i'd buy the book lol.

good luck with everything.

Primrose

I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation. Now that your husband has been caught out and has been asked to leave his home, I suspect his alcohol consumption could easily rocket as he tries to untangle the mess he has created for himself. For this reason alone I would get all the money you can out of your joint account and quickly set up another account in your own name so that at least you have some money in the short term.

Changing the locks would be illegal if the mortgage is in joint names but there's no reason why you can't move his belongings out, although I suspect that will be difficult to do with the children around. Can you tell your parents or siblings what has happened. It's a horrible time for this to have occurred just before Christmas and all the support you can get will be helpful.

JustKeepSwimming_2

Hi Lilacblue

I've just read this thread from the beginning & just wanted to pass on some :grouphug: to you. Many posters have given you some sound advice, & you sound sensible enough to think things through, even if you don't feel very sensible just now!

I can echo the posts that say it will get better in time, & you will amaze yourself at the things you'll be able to do on your own. I'm just at the same point that you are now, & having gone through it all years ago with a previous partner, I "know" on a level things will improve & I can cope with it all - it just bl**dy well hurts, doesn't it?

I found the Which guide "Divorce & Splitting Up" very helpful (it covers those married & cohabiting) & it's factual approach helped me focus when I wasn't feeling too great! I also went to 4 different solicitors for a free 30minute appointment - it helped to compare their advice & I found one I was comfortable with (one was truly vile & wanted to take him for every penny which, although tempting at dark times, wasn't really what I wanted to do). Mediation may help if you can't agree - we didn't need this as we agreed most things, so I can't comment.

Take each day at a time & look after yourself.

bundly

MsDee wrote: »

Empty it - better to be safe than sorry - you can always put it back, but at least you have it. You are supporting three people, he is supporting his cheating self and lets face it, he can put 'his expenses' on the company credit card, like everything else.

MsDee has given what I think is the soundest advice that I have ever seen posted on a message board such as this. Staggeringly good post! Hope the OP appreciates the time and trouble you've gone to.

I don't think she'd be closing the door to a reconciliation even if she DID take your advice from start to finish. Even if all his stuff is at his parents he could end up begging her to be let back in, for example, and she could let him back but only on her terms and only after making him suffer for what he did.

whitelillies

HI lilacblue. Ive read all your posts and yes the weather is bad here lol. I too have just split up from my ex about 5weeks ago. I was invitied to a party last night and forced myself to go despite the weather and my feelings. I stayed overnight as the weather was bad and my car got stucked in a dip and it took ages to get home (normally a 5minute journey). I did go but im soo over tired that ive just been in tears all day. Sometimes people try to be helpful but in all fairness i wish i had stayed at home lol. Anyway sorry to hi jack your thread, its just that there are so many of us going through separations, divorces etc that sometimes it helps to read others thread and know that we are not alone. HUGS x

rosered1963

Hi Lilacblue - I've just read your thread.

I can't advise you legally or anything, but can I say, you are one strong, funny, intelligent woman with good self esteem, and you are doing great! You made up your mind right from the beginning that you won't have him back. You're cutting him loose and your life will be better for it - honestly. I really admire how you are handling it all - you deserve a much better man and if you want one, you will get one!

You know you and your children are worth more, you have your own job and income, you are bright, funny and strong. Let yourself be angry! Then you will feel maybe a bit of hate, then indifference.

Only three little bits of advice - keep yourself looking good - shallow as it sounds - it does work Secondly, take care with the booze in the long run, and thirdly, exercise is great - even a walk - get the endorphins going!

GO YOU. Sending love

PS I have been through similar but I didn't have children with him. I chucked him out straight away, but I was devastated as I thought I had lost my best friend as well. (Of-course, he was no friend to me - I knew that) I swore that I would never take him back. 10 years later I got married for the first time at age 46 to a lovely man and have never been happier. Also, may I say, your (ex) partner obviously has a drink problem - this in itself is hell on earth to live with, especially in someone of that age, as it becomes harder and harder for them to "control". Thankfully none of that hell is coming to you - his drink problem is not your problem at all.

Hope you don't mind me commenting. Hope you get all finances etc settled soon and get yourself a really good lawyer - it will be worth it. XXX

Lilacblue

You dear dear folks!

Aren't you all just the best? You will NEVER know how much support you have given me over the past few days. I have just read this thread from start to finish and yet again I'm bowled over. It's corny to say 'it's been a dark dark time' but it really has, and coming on here has been a little chink of light bursting through the clouds. You is da best!

Springclean - you gave me a giggle. No, I am certainly not a writer but the idea of being one would be fab! I could get myself a little log cabin in the garden and knock out some best sellers, starting with 'Dumped - Diary of a Wronged Woman'. They do say that revenge is a dish best served cold...just imagine, I could make my first million from this whole bl**dy sorry mess. It could just be my diary of what has happened (with some added juicy detail, maybe, because let's face it, it's been a sorry tale up to now). Wouldn't that just be so ironic (then HE would be chasing ME for money! Hurray!)

Primrose and Bundy- the joint account is now sorted. There is enough in there to meet this months standing orders and that's all. He says he will pay his usual amount into it at the end of the month so that should be ok (well, for now).

Whitelilies - am VERY impressed with you, girl! Fancy going through what you've been through, picking yourself up and getting spruced up for a party...that shows huge courage. Especially if you have to deal with people offering you condolences all night. I'm sorry it wasn't a great night for you. But you should keep accepting those invitations because one day you'll make the effort and have a super time.

Justkeepswimming- I love your name. I feel like that fish sometimes (is it Dory?)! When you go to a 'free' session with a family lawyer, do you actually get much info? I assumed it would be used as a bit of a selling opportunity - like, 'come to us, we're the best because...' rather than actually giving you free info. Thank you for your kind thoughts.

Rosered - yet another poster who is an inspiration. It has been wonderful how many people have bothered to tell me how things have worked out for them from being in this situation. I'm so glad you found your Mr Right....so tell me, has he got a brother?:rotfl:

Anyway, today has been good for me. GUESS WHAT? He STAYED LAST NIGHT! He came round again to see the children, and told me he has taken the room he went to see in the village. Now this is good news for me, as he's handy (will still need him close by) but also i know exactly where he will need to park so if I am so inclined, I can snoop. Result! I also sneaked a look at his phone and it would appear he hasn't even spoken to anyone since Sunday, except for me. Well, he looked like a tramp and incredibly rough so I said he could put his coat through the wash, which he did. He said he was going to sleep in the car because the travel-lodge was costing so much, to which I casually said 'ok, see you then'. But my daughter was poorly so she went in my bed leaving her bed free. So at 10.30 I had a 'caring' moment and phoned him...

me -'where are you?'
him - 'In the car listening to a play on radio 4'
me - 'ooh, your exciting new bachelor life is going well then' (I know, I know, I can be very juvenile).

Anyway, I offered him the bed and he came round and went straight to bed. Then this morning I came down expecting him to be dressed, ready to go, maybe having done some 'penance' jobs like give the kids breakfast/empty the dishwasher etc, but no, he's LYING ON THE SOFA WATCHING TELLY!! :mad: Suffice to say, he left shortly after!

Anyhow, as I said, today has been an ok day. I am just gearing up to watch Love Actually. It's complete twaddle but it's just what i need...mindless silly romantic comedy. Whatever happened to Martine mcCutcheon?

On a different note, something has been bothering me, ladies. Kirstie Allsop and her bl**ding Homemade Christmas. Should I start a new thread dedicated to this? For some reason I am very opinionated on this subject. Will update later!

For those of you online, switch off for a bit, switch on the telly and enjoy Love Actually with me. Aaaah, good times! x

Lilacblue

Ooh, hang on. Have just seen Emma Thompson. Is this the film where her husband has the torrid affair? Oh lawks, maybe I should flick over to Blade Runner!! :eek:

springclean

and that post, Lilacblue, is exactly why i said you should write. i was serious, as you really do have a flair for it. i write myself, and have had a few short stories published. trust me, it sorts your mind...and you can write your own endings! if 'he' doesn't toe the line in the plot, you can throw him under a fictional bus! simples... :rotfl:

whitelillies

You seem so together Lilac Blue. I was ok for a few weeks then i came crashing down. I dont want my ex back (he wants me back). He didnt do what your ex did, but needless to say wot he did do hurt me. Im still at the I COULD SMASH HIS FACE IN stage and its been 5weeks lol. I dont know how you are coping as i dont even want to see my ex. He even had the cheek to say did i still want to go on our holiday together in two weeks. I dont even want to be in the same town as him let alone the same hotel room lol