Partner cheated and left - what do I do?

Lilacblue

Hello Folks

How's everyone doing today? Now that the school hols are underway I can't get onto the website as often...I expect that's the same for a lot of us. Roll on Spring term (and I like the sound of 'Spring' - new starts, new hope, life going on blah blah blah).

I went Christmas shopping yesterday and it was really weird. Now, don't get me wrong, I go shopping a lot, I'm not fazed by traffic, crowds etc but I found it really tough. And for such a stupid reason...I had to carry all the stuff alone. No, I'm not a pampered princess - this was just a bit symbolic of everything that's going on at the moment; shouldering the burden of the routine, making decisions alone, trying to cope with everything etc. Anyway, I was in Marks and Spencer buying some food (no, I don't shop there routinely but I had thought 'sod it, tonight, alone on that sofa I will eat like a QUEEN!!!). And I have to cut it short because I can't manage all the bags. Normally my partner would be standing there like a packhorse (or donkey, or !!!, or ar*e in fact) but sometimes he isn't with me of course. It was a big deal and I got into a right old fret. One good thing...when I got home I realised that they hadn't charged me for my Turkey Breast Joint (cook in the tray, serves 2-3, not very exotic but I'm a veggie and that'll do for the kids). So I had to smile

Today I have been VERY VERY ANGRY :mad: And do you know, it's exhausting having all these really strong feelings all the time. I phoned my partner, (having had some texts ignored last night) and ended up having a blazing row. I'll give you the detail later but suffice to say he made my blood boil; I was like a screaming banshee down the phone.

How can you go from being completely normal and talking to people around you in a completely calm, measured way and the next you just feel this enormous grief and rage. HE left ME. But now he's left me again to cope with the kids, the chores, Christmas. I can't stand it.

Colin Firth where are you?

Lilacblue

The site won't let me write the word a*s (rhymes with lass, means a type of donkey) How can that be a swearword?! Oh Martin, just let me have my rant will you!! :money::rotfl:

mrcow

It's not just the carrying - it's everything. I'm not a sinlge parent, but due to b/fs job, I get to have a good taste of what it's like some months (he worls away). I think the hardest thing is all the decision making. Not haivng someone there to bounce anything off - from what to have for dinner to when to go shopping or getting the car fixed, MOT'd etc.

It is really hard. And that's without all the terrible heartache you've suffered.

As for the anger thing - it's all part of the grieving cycle. Disbelief/anger/dispair/acceptance - the cycle can repeat and repeat until you'll finally get there. The best thing is to share it though - bottling is not good for anyone.

JustKeepSwimming_2

Lilacblue wrote: »

You dear dear folks!


Justkeepswimming- I love your name. I feel like that fish sometimes (is it Dory?)! I use "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming" as my mantra when it all feels a bit too much! & yes, it is Dory! When you go to a 'free' session with a family lawyer, do you actually get much info? I assumed it would be used as a bit of a selling opportunity - like, 'come to us, we're the best because...' rather than actually giving you free info. Thank you for your kind thoughts.

I found the free 30 minutes useful - it gave me a good feel for how each solicitor would "work" the case, & I realised which one I preferred quite quickly. While they didn't answer specific questions in depth, they did give me lots of info & gave me other things to consider. I went to see the solicitors quite quickly after my ex-husband & I spilt up - with hindsight (:rolleyes:) I should have read the Which guide first so I understood a bit more of what was being said! They can also give you a rough idea of how much it could cost - that was enlightening :eek: I didn't get the hard sell from any of them.

It does get easier with time - honest! You may find at some point in the future you'll find another partner & life will be good - I hope so as you deserve better.

I've also been following TinaTony1's thread here which is terribly sad (& now quite long!) & its incredible (?depressing) how many women have been through the same thing.You may find some of the advice posted there helpful too. I certainly have - just found out my current partner has been indulging in flirty texts with many different women, giving some girls lifts home from nightclubs where he's been working & telling several women that he doesn't have a girlfriend. Hes been doing this all the years we've been together, so it's not a recent thing, & now he's been caught out by me he's suddenly sorry! That's one long mid-life crisis

I'm trying to stay strong & have nothing to do with him, but its jolly hard, especially at Xmas.... Hence the new sig (& no I'm not thin yet :rotfl:)

Mrs_Moc

Hi Lilac

I know the feeling of having texts ignored, even if they are inflammatory and not what your partner wants to read or answer. I know also the rage you are describing. I find the best way of dealing with this is not to send any texts at all. It really does make it easier in the long run. I also know thats easier said than done, but for your own peace of mind, it will help you avoid feeling that way or stoking the fire of the anger you already have.

2 of our 4 children are spending tonight with him at his parents, it was unplanned, but when I dropped them off, his casual attitude really bugged me. The fact he thought he could have a conversation with me as if nothing had happened, really annoyed me. Its the first they have heard or seen of him in 8 days. I could have texted loads of times this week, but none of them would have been nice, so I restrained myself. I also read somewhere lately that the easiest way to make a complete break is to have as little contact as possible and im trying this.

Im not trying to give you advice, because im not in a position to advise anybody on relationships or breakups, I can never manage to make my break ups permanent, though im so determined this time. Im just giving my thoughts on your last post. :A

duchy

I think the anger felt can be quite scary. I know I had no idea I could feel that level of anger

jamesey07

you need to ask yourself WHY DID HE CHEAT? where you's taking eachother for granted, ok now the cheating has happened, NOTHING WILL EVER CHANGE THAT, you will NEVER trust him the rest of your life, even if you do get back with him, so WHAT DO YOU DO NOW? well clearing out his bank account won't help, not only will you be leaving him short of money but you could be done for stealing, wrecking his clothes you'll be done for criminal damage, i know these things might seem appatising now at the moment but don't lower yourself, do you want to be remembered as a wife who stole money, and wrecked clothes and done a pile of other things, oh no because then YOU will look the bad 1 to the genral populous around you,

i think you should take things slowly, YES THIS IS GOING TO BE A HARD TIME, but don't do things that might seem tempting now that you could end up regreting later, as it will only backfire against you LONG TERM

Morgan_Ree

jamesey07 wrote: »

you need to ask yourself WHY DID HE CHEAT?

Why does she need to ask herself that??

Is there some sort of valid reason to cheat that we don't know about?

jamesey07

morgan yes i think she should ask herself why did he cheat, because it takes 2 to make a relationship and 2 to break 1, if he loved her so much he wouldn't of cheated, he clearly doesn't love her for him to cheat, i ask the question that were they taking eachother for granted? because that is the KILLER for manys a relationships.

PayDay

jamesey07 wrote: »

morgan yes i think she should ask herself why did he cheat, because it takes 2 to make a relationship and 2 to break 1, if he loved her so much he wouldn't of cheated, he clearly doesn't love her for him to cheat, i ask the question that were they taking eachother for granted? because that is the KILLER for manys a relationships.

You seem to be biased towards the male point of view and want to blame the females?

From another thread

jamesey07 wrote: »

i hope right now that your husband ( remember the guy you said your vows to?) is out with another woman saying the same about you and that he is sharing his feelings with, and going to meet on xmas day, how would this feel to you? well if you do cheat on him i hope karma bites you were the sun don't shine as you will be paranoid the rest of your life for being a cheater,