Partner cheated and left - what do I do?

Mutter_2

jamesey07 wrote: »

morgan yes i think she should ask herself why did he cheat, because it takes 2 to make a relationship and 2 to break 1, if he loved her so much he wouldn't of cheated, he clearly doesn't love her for him to cheat, i ask the question that were they taking eachother for granted? because that is the KILLER for manys a relationships.

Wrong, wrong, wrong!
A lot of men just need an opportunity. Nothing to do with love, lack of attention, or the ridiculous notion that it takes two to break a marriage or partnership.

One of the parties is quite capable of breaking it all on their own, and that goes for whether the adulterer is male or female.

jo91

Lilacblue, I have just had to re-read page 1 of your postings just to confirm the date. I am astonished that you have such a grip on your situation so soon. You have incredible personal strength to be dealing with this so well - many of us find it hard to tackle the practical aspects of being solo - but you have really taken the bull by the horns - and done so with great dignity. (OK - the initial outburst doesn't count !!) You have been very civilised in your view of the need to maintain some form of a relationship with him for the sake of contact for the children. You're a remarkable person.

Oh, and Colin says he's just a bit snowed-under at the minute :rotfl:but he will be in touch - he's probably out hunting for your xmas prezzy as we type !
Take care.x

graemecarter

msdee wrote: »

empty it - better to be safe than sorry - you can always put it back, but at least you have it. You are supporting three people, he is supporting his cheating self and lets face it, he can put 'his expenses' on the company credit card, like everything else.

Get a piece of paper and pen and make a list - imagine the kids are going to walk through the door any minute - that will help you move quickly.

1) change the locks.

2) clear out joint bank account

3) put all bills into his name.

4) do you have any evidence of his cheating - texts etc - as if you do decide to divorce him on the grounds of adultery, the courts will be more in your favour rather than an 'agreed divorce'.

5) contact the csa for kids support

6) contact the mortgage company - don't give your account number and details just explain the situationfind out what would happen next.

7) contact cab/get lawyer free legal aid.

8) open up another personal bank account - for you only.

9) bin/drop off at his parents all his stuff - i know it sounds very early and ruthless - but less reminders of him the better, opening the cupboard door and seeing his stuff there, will bring you right down.

10) put all benefits/child tax credits in your name.


10) go the std clinic and have all tests

11) pour yourself a glass of wine - you are well shot of the cheating scumbag. Let him have his mid life crisis, he'll be the one stuck in a grotty bedsit, while his bit of stuff leaves cos he's not spending any money on her.

12) go see your gp - start the free counselling now/just an impartial shoulder to cry on - you will need it.

13) go and get some st johns wort from health shop if you think you could be prone to depression - don't go on anti-depressants.

14) be careful, but start a blog/diary (annonymous of course) - charting what you do every day and how you are feeling - you will look back at be amazed.

15) every day - go and have some me time - meditation/coffee with friends/magazne - just 30 mins will make a world of difference.

16) every time you feel weak - imagine you and the kids left with nothing - it really does work and you will run around like a mand woman - achieveing loads.

17) invite as many people around for xmas as possible - elderly neighbour etc as it will keep kids distracted and stop you from slumping with booze when they go to bed.

Well done for being strong and kicking him out - i applaud you for that.

**edit - am surprised at posters saying 'forgive and forget'. He has betrayed his wife and the impression i'm getting is - can;t you work through this..you are laying yourslef open for a life time of betrayal, and mis-trust. Don't do it

never ever give out advice like this. This is dangerous and irresponsible posting. Only a doctor who has examined a patient can broach this subject. Certainly not you over an internet forum

springclean

hi lilac. you really are astounding. whatever happens, you will survive *break into Gloria Gaynor interlude*.

i hope you didn't take my comments about relationships personally, but i have noticed on this forum that it sometimes doesn't take much for a witch-hunt to start with 'men are this, that and the other', and then some blokish one-liners get flung back, and then it's battle of the sexes, which i feel detracts from the point of the thread, which was for advice about how to handle practicalities.

i have to say that while you owed no one an explanation about your relationship and your role in it, your description was very moving and powerful and you deserve a whole lot better than you have been given, in terms of loyalty and respect from your OH.

good on you for such a positive confident attitude

JustKeepSwimming_2

springclean wrote: »

and that post, Lilacblue, is exactly why i said you should write. i was serious, as you really do have a flair for it. i write myself, and have had a few short stories published. trust me, it sorts your mind...and you can write your own endings! if 'he' doesn't toe the line in the plot, you can throw him under a fictional bus! simples... :rotfl:

Hi Lilacblue - this is a bit off topic but this thread here from the Debate House Prices forum (hidden from the public - you have to be signed up to read it) shows how Max has dealt with his situation (completely different from yours as it deals with redundancy etc.) & gives a link to his blog (in his personal profile). Its a long thread, & but a great read & his blog is brilliant. I mean "great" in the interesting way - it isn't great to read about others misfortune, but I couldn't think how else to explain what I mean. You do have a flair for writing & I think a lot of people would agree with that.

I hope Xmas goes OK for you & eveyone else in the same kind of awful situation - it is a difficult time for many of us. :beer:

Fire_Fox

jamesey07 wrote: »

morgan yes i think she should ask herself why did he cheat, because it takes 2 to make a relationship and 2 to break 1, if he loved her so much he wouldn't of cheated, he clearly doesn't love her for him to cheat, i ask the question that were they taking eachother for granted? because that is the KILLER for manys a relationships.

I agree 100% that it takes two to make or break a relationship: my partner cheated on me earlier this year. Do I shoulder a half share of the responsibility for the failure of the relationship? Yes. We we living separate lives (his words)? Yes. Was our sex life non-existent (my words)? Yes. Did either of us talk about how unhappy we were? No. Did we push each other away for months beforehand? Yes. Did I push him into the arms of another woman? No I did not. There is no excuse for cheating: if you are unhappy behave like an adult and end the relationship or talk things through.

I am moved to tears each time I think of what has happened, despite being on the highest possible dose of anti-depressants. I have failed a year at college (mature student), my contract at work was not extended as I was off sick so long. I cannot bear to go to my community group as the venue is the 'scene of the crime', I will not now have children as it will be years before I can contemplate trusting again. Do not destroy someone else's life by lying and cheating.

alleycat`

Fire_Fox wrote: »

it will be years before I can contemplate trusting again.

Slightly off topic - but to hear anyone say this sort of thing because of the actions of another person breaks my heart.

Hopefully FF it isn't that long.

As for Lilac - I guess i don't have anything useful to add other than hoping the new year brings you back to happiness.

Mutter_2

Fire_Fox wrote: »

I agree 100% that it takes two to make or break a relationship: my partner cheated on me earlier this year. Do I shoulder a half share of the responsibility for the failure of the relationship? Yes. We we living separate lives (his words)? Yes. Was our sex life non-existent (my words)? Yes. Did either of us talk about how unhappy we were? No. Did we push each other away for months beforehand? Yes. Did I push him into the arms of another woman? No I did not. There is no excuse for cheating: if you are unhappy behave like an adult and end the relationship or talk things through.

I am moved to tears each time I think of what has happened, despite being on the highest possible dose of anti-depressants. I have failed a year at college (mature student), my contract at work was not extended as I was off sick so long. I cannot bear to go to my community group as the venue is the 'scene of the crime', I will not now have children as it will be years before I can contemplate trusting again. Do not destroy someone else's life by lying and cheating.

Your description of your relationship Fire Fox, sounds like the past few years of my marriage.
My husband though cheated from the off. He was cheating when our daughter was born, one year after we met.
We had a normal sex life then, supposedly very happy. It was because the other woman rang to congratulate me on my giving birth that alerted me.
20+ years later, he's still a cheat and compulsive liar. This latest woman has done me the biggest favour, as I am now divorcing him. I haven't felt so well in years.

Whereas I had no energy or interest in anything whilst with him, now I can hardly sit still.

The irony is, he's no stud. I have the conviction that he can only manage "it normally" when the relationship is still fairly new.

So although I've had no interest in him for many years, it's not without good reason. Nor do I believe that I gave him any cause in the beginning to cheat. That is why I believe that one party can break a relationship. It may appear that it has just broken, in fact it broke years ago.

To all everyone, a very happy Christmas and a wonderful New Year, may it bring all you wish for.

JustKeepSwimming_2

Fire_Fox wrote: »

There is no excuse for cheating: if you are unhappy behave like an adult and end the relationship or talk things through.

It will be years before I can contemplate trusting again.

Fire Fox - unfortunately I know just how you feel when it comes to trusting anyone again. I hope it does get easier for you, especially at this "festive" time. I don't have any words of advice for trusting again (indeed, I'd love to hear some ) but I do take comfort & hope from those who post here & who have managed to work things out.

MyRubyRed

Lilacblue, I have read your thread from beginning to end and I think you are truly amazing!!