Partner cheated and left - what do I do?

Lilacblue

Hi Everyone

I have just spent a few minutes reading through some similar threads on this board, and it is clear that many people here have been through my current situation. I would so welcome some practical advice...I am barely functioning and have no idea what to do next.
I discovered at the weekend that my partner of 19 years has been having an affair for several months. He travels abroad a lot and met a young girl (she's TWENTY for god's sake) and started sleeping with her straight away. I was quite suspicious of a few things but NEVER this. I had noticed that he was putting through large bar bills to his company credit card, and sometimes when he was away he didn't call when he said he would. Turns out he was partying with college students and has a whole social life out there with them. He's 40 and we have two very young children, by the way. Anyway, I needed a number from his works mobile and I saw this girls name and number. He has lots of womens numbers on his phone, but they have work email addresses, or I know who they are. She stood out though because her contact details were personal and there was even a photo of her (sandwiched between pictures of my kids which just makes me feel sick). So there were a few texts, odd things that I STILL didn't understand. So I phoned her.
Oh god. The world ended at 3pm on Sunday. I could say all the things she told me but suffice to say I was initially completely livid. He denied it all, then blamed me, then I kicked him out.
All day yesterday I was ok, which I remember thinking was weird but I think it was adrenaline. I was strong and matter of fact. Today I am in bits and can't even begin to think about how to get through this.
I have lovely friends and family, although I don't feel able to share this with too many people at the moment because with Christmas coming I want to be absolutely certain that the kids don't find out. They just think he's working away at the moment, which is routine for them.
My question is this...I have dedicated today to getting a few things in order. If anyone can tell me about things to bear in mind, benefits I might be able to claim, people who I need to let know, please get in touch. I can't afford this house alone, so a house move/mortgage is going to be needed.
I'm not doing well. I just phoned the council tax about getting a reduced bill and burst into tears. The lady at the council was so kind, which sort of made me worse!!
I know there are similar threads i could read, but I just went through one from a lady called Tina and couldn't stop crying.
Thank you.

Indie_Kid

Are the bills in join names?

sexandthecity

I'm so sorry I dont really have any advice, I would try phoning CAB and see if you can get an appointment xxx

Lilacblue

Hi - the bills are a mixture of both. Do you think I should change this or not? And we have a joint account that we both pay into and all the direct debits come out of that. I wondered if i should empty that account and divert all the bills to my own account or does that look like I'm drawing battle lines?
At the moment I don't think he would empty the account himself because he knows that I have a great deal of power and could make his life hell. That's just today though, in the future I wouldn't trust him. Not because he would take my money but I have serious concerns about his capacity to now hold down his job, and if that goes so does his financial contribution.

DVardysShadow

Hey, you've kicked him out and now you are asking for advice? I'm not saying it is wrong to kick him out, just that you are not giving yourself a chance to think it through. Unless you are dusting down an emergency plan you prepared earlier.

zzzLazyDaisy

Okay STOP.

Take a few deep breaths. I am serious - you need to stay as calm as you can for yourself and the children. This is a lousy time of the year for this to happen and you need to stay strong if you are going to get through christmas.

First, financial stuff. Your husband is earning and he will have to pay maintenance for the children. Is he going to be reasonable about this? Do you know what he earns? Go on the CSA website and see what you are entitled to for two children.

Do you work at least 16 hours a week?, If so put in an immediate claim for working tax credits - any maintenance you may get is not counted so there is nothing stopping you from doing that now.

If you don't work, phone job centre plus - they will help you make a claim for Income Support. After a certain time (I am not sure but I think it is 12 weeks) they will pay the interest on your mortgage. Unfortunately there is no help with mortgage payments if you are working.

You then need to see your husband and make temporary financial arrangements to get you over christmas. Hopefully he will agree to carry on paying the mortgage until you can come to some agreement about the house - it is in his interests, as if mortgage payments get missed, it will trash his credit history too. He should also agree to pay maintenance for the children in accordance with the calculation on the CSA website. You also need to agree arrangements for the children to see their father, including what you are going to do about contact over christmas.

If he won't agree to pay the mortgage, contact your lender, explain what has happened and ask for a payment holiday. If they won't agree to that, ask to go interest only until something has been sorted out.

Also make an appointment to see a solicitor early in the new year. Don't go to the person who did your house conveyancing, or who got the postman's friend off a driving charge - ask around, if possible get a recommendation for a good family lawyer. If you an't get a recommendation go on the internet and do some research. This does NOT mean that you have to start divorce proceedings straight away, it just means that you will be prepared and know what to expect, and what your rights are, financially.

Finally have a ((((hug)))). Keep in touch with friends and family, you are going to need emotional support.

Keep posting, people on here will help you through this

Daisy

x

zzzLazyDaisy

DVardysShadow wrote: »

Hey, you've kicked him out and now you are asking for advice? I'm not saying it is wrong to kick him out, just that you are not giving yourself a chance to think it through. Unless you are dusting down an emergency plan you prepared earlier.

DVardy, you usually give good advice, but this isn't helpful. Everyone reacts differently to this sort of discovery - OP is probably still in shock. Maybe she and her OH will work this out, but she has two young children and needs advice on how to go forward and keep her head above water, until this is sorted out.

sazzybum

Hi,

Are you sure you can't forgive him and live together again? I'm not saying that's the RIGHT thing to do, but it IS something you have to think about-especially with children. Once you've decided and are absolutely sure, then it's time for CAB, banks CC companies etc. All I did (and it sounds so simplistic now) was sell the house, pay the debts out of that, then half what was left. If it's a joint account- why don't you take half what's in there? Just to make sure you and the children have something just in case he plays funny beggars. They sometimes act totally out of character in this situation - and do things they normally would never dream of doing. I'm sorry i'm not much help, but good luck to you.

lostinrates

DVardysShadow wrote: »

Hey, you've kicked him out and now you are asking for advice? I'm not saying it is wrong to kick him out, just that you are not giving yourself a chance to think it through. Unless you are dusting down an emergency plan you prepared earlier.

I think I'd react like that too, initially. Perhaps ''kicking him out'' is giving her the space she needs to think it through?

OP, I'm so sorry, I have no advice, but echo Lazydaisy, lot of people will ...and if you are not telling many friends/family then I'd keep this anonymous channel open to vent/air thought and feelings.

MsDee

Lilacblue wrote: »

Hi - the bills are a mixture of both. Do you think I should change this or not? And we have a joint account that we both pay into and all the direct debits come out of that. I wondered if i should empty that account and divert all the bills to my own account or does that look like I'm drawing battle lines?
At the moment I don't think he would empty the account himself because he knows that I have a great deal of power and could make his life hell. That's just today though, in the future I wouldn't trust him. Not because he would take my money but I have serious concerns about his capacity to now hold down his job, and if that goes so does his financial contribution.

Empty it - better to be safe than sorry - you can always put it back, but at least you have it. You are supporting three people, he is supporting his cheating self and lets face it, he can put 'his expenses' on the company credit card, like everything else.

Get a piece of paper and pen and make a list - imagine the kids are going to walk through the door any minute - that will help you move quickly.

1) Change the locks.

2) Clear out joint bank account

3) Put all bills into his name.

4) Do you have any evidence of his cheating - texts etc - as if you do decide to divorce him on the grounds of adultery, the courts will be more in your favour rather than an 'agreed divorce'.

5) Contact the CSA for kids support

6) Contact the mortgage company - don't give your account number and details just explain the situationfind out what would happen next.

7) Contact CAB/Get lawyer free legal aid.

8) Open up another personal bank account - for you only.

9) Bin/drop off at his parents all his stuff - I know it sounds very early and ruthless - but less reminders of him the better, opening the cupboard door and seeing his stuff there, will bring you right down.

10) Put all benefits/child tax credits in your name.


10) Go the STD clinic and have all tests

11) Pour yourself a glass of wine - you are well shot of the cheating scumbag. Let him have his mid life crisis, he'll be the one stuck in a grotty bedsit, while his bit of stuff leaves cos he's not spending any money on her.

12) Go see your GP - start the free counselling now/just an impartial shoulder to cry on - you will need it.

13) Go and get some St Johns Wort from health shop if you think you could be prone to depression - DON'T go on anti-depressants.

14) Be careful, but start a blog/diary (annonymous of course) - charting what you do every day and how you are feeling - you will look back at be amazed.

15) Every day - go and have some me time - meditation/coffee with friends/magazne - just 30 mins will make a world of difference.

16) Every time you feel weak - imagine you and the kids left with nothing - it really does work and you will run around like a mand woman - achieveing loads.

17) Invite as many people around for Xmas as possible - elderly neighbour etc as it will keep kids distracted and stop you from slumping with booze when they go to bed.

WELL DONE for being strong and kicking him out - I applaud you for that.

**edit - am surprised at posters saying 'forgive and forget'. He has betrayed his wife and the impression I'm getting is - can;t you work through this..you are laying yourslef open for a life time of betrayal, and mis-trust. DON'T DO IT

SailorSam

Can't say anything but i'm sorry for you, especially at this time of year.
Are your kids young, have you told them anything yet.
I don't think at the moment the previous advice forgive and forget and try to patch things up is right. If he's trying to blame you and not saying sorry now isn't the time for that.