Partner cheated and left - what do I do?

Lilacblue

Mrs dee, please don't be upset if others are criticising your advice...I appreciate ALL advice very much. And in a strange way it is even useful when people don't agree because the reasons given for the disagreements help me to 'think round' the issue. Thank you for everything you have said.

Lilacblue

tinatony1 wrote: »

Dear Lilacblue

i am so very sorry for what you are going through. i too am going through the same thing and it sucks big time. you mentioned that you had looked at my thread and you will see from it that at times it will seem easier and then at times it will get worse.

you have to decide what you want to do, do you want him back, do you never want to see him again?
i am still trying to work that one out and i know in time that it will become clearer but how long is anyones guess.

please feel free to PM me if you want a private chat

all the very best with the biggest ((((Hugs))))) ever

tina

Thank you so much Tina, I am so glad you are here. I did read your posts but it was quite upsetting. I truly hope you sort things out for yourself. Happy Christmas to Us! I have never considered taking him back and this will not change. I feel very definite about this, which at least allows me to understand which path I'm on.

MsDee

Lilacblue wrote: »

Mrs dee, please don't be upset if others are criticising your advice...I appreciate ALL advice very much. And in a strange way it is even useful when people don't agree because the reasons given for the disagreements help me to 'think round' the issue. Thank you for everything you have said.

Oh bless you, but this is your thread, so please don't worry about me.

It happens all the time on MSE the original post always slightly deviates- because of a difference of posters opinion, but should always come back to you and your situation.

All I hope is that you got something useful from every piece of advice here, good, bad or indifferent.

P.S After reading your last post - the car sounds too good for the deceptive b£astard.

zzzLazyDaisy

Lilacblue wrote: »

Oh god, what do you mean about shares in the house? That frightens me. His pension is not worth much, I think, as he never took care of it (typical).
Regarding the alcohol, he did go to Alcoholics Anonymous once, but with all his behaviour around drinking, I have always felt that his moderation was only because of me and the knowledge that I would not accept it if he didn't play by the rules. With me gone I do expect him to drink heavily, but I don't feel bad about that...I'm kind of weary of battling his problems.

Sorry I didn't mean to frighten you.

If the house is in joint names (joint tenants) then you are each entitled to half of the equity after the mortgage is paid off. If it is held as tenants in common, then it may be registered in different shares depending on how much you each put into the house (but you should know if that was the case). My comment about the shares was that if the parents are married, the courts in the divorce have the power to award the parent with care more than their legal share, to enable them to provide a home for the children. If you are not married, the courts do not have that power, so you can only get your legal share out of the house.

Re Alcoholics Anonyomous - that is for the drinker and it is his choice whether he goes or not and whether he sorts his life out or not. Al Anon is different (it would help if they had a totally different name to avoid confusion). Al Anon is a completely separate support group for families of alcoholics. Alcoholics don't attend these meeting, it is just for people like you who are affected by someone else's drinking. They will help you to detach yourself from HIS problem, and to live without feeling guilty/ashamed/responsible/whatever about HIS problem, and to go forward and make a life for yourself, regardless of whether you decide to get back together or not.

Lilacblue

zzzLazyDaisy wrote: »

Sorry I didn't mean to frighten you.

If the house is in joint names (joint tenants) then you are each entitled to half of the equity after the mortgage is paid off. If it is held as tenants in common, then it may be registered in different shares depending on how much you each put into the house (but you should know if that was the case). My comment about the shares was that if the parents are married, the courts in the divorce have the power to award the parent with care more than their legal share, to enable them to provide a home for the children. If you are not married, the courts do not have that power, so you can only get your legal share out of the house.

Thanks Daisy. I hoped that I would get more than half as I will need every penny I can get. I think there is about £60k equity in this house. I will need a bigger house than him with three bedrooms. How unfair that he can destroy our life and still walk away with £30k. Is there absolutely anything I can do about this? Can I make him continue to pay to the mortgage here and just stay here? I guess these are legal questions, sorry.

Blackpool_Saver

Go and see a solicitor ((((((hugs))))))

floss2

MsDee wrote: »

...What a narrow minded comment - so the only people that can advise her is ones that 'have gone through it'

Perhaps we can keep this on topic & help Lilacblue, rather than lowering ourselves to a slanging match? Everyone has a right to give advice, but everyone should also accept that not every bit of advice - however well meant - will be accurate & legally possible.

zzzLazyDaisy

Blackpool_Saver wrote: »

Go and see a solicitor ((((((hugs))))))

I echo this. You have fewer rights because you were not married, but that doesn't mean you have no rights. You need to find a solicitor who is experienced in family law (not just divorce law). Do some research - if you live in a small place you may need to be willing to travel to the nearest large town to get a specialist, but it will be worth it.

You really need is legal advice on your rights, so you know what is worth fighting for.

If you are certain that you don't want him back, and you believe he may go off the rails, then I would go through the CSA now, rather than trying to come to an arrangement with him - but that is really just my own personal opinion and may not be right for you.

Puzzledbubbles

HI Lilac (smilies always make me smile so hope that one helps)

I found out my ex was cheating over a year ago now and made the "rash" decision and walked out on the spot. I didnt have children so it was very different for me.

However, there are loads of us on here to offer advice and where to go etc, what to do next, finances and everything else just ASK anything, no such thing as a stupid question on MSE

Everyone deals with this stuff differently, i never lost faith that my ex would come back to being reasonable and would do as he promised, it took 4 months for me to realise that wasnt going to happen and that my "coping" strategy had to be radically changed when he proved himself to be lower than i ever imagined and i ended up bankrupt becuase of it.

I really hope that the advice has been useful so far and that there will be more good advice to come (maybe even from me lol)

The only thing i can suggest is when the little ones are in bed, have a bath and a good cry, it will do you the world of good to be sad and to let yourself mourn the relationship and then tomorrow, after (hopefully) a good sleep you can get your plan of action in motion.

Puzzled xxx

floss2

Lilacblue wrote: »

....I guess these are legal questions, sorry.

Find your Yellow Pages, and look for the Family Lawyers section - you need to find one who offers a free half-hour, and make an appointment with them. Then make a list of the questions you need answering, e.g. the situation with the house, what happens about te mortgage, what about access & maintenance etc.

The CSA used to provide an assessment service which could give a figure to base a private maintenance arrangement upon - not sure if they still do this, but if you know how much he earns, you can check on their website to see what you should expect from him. This is NOT affected by your income, especially as you have childcare to pay to enable you to work.

https://www.entitledto.co.uk is also a good website to check out your entitlement to tax credits & council tax benefits too.

Speak to your bank and ask them to put a block on the joint account (tell them you have lost your card) until you can agree what to do with those funds - I guess that is to pay fuel bills, mortgage, tv, broadband etc, which will all need to be paid, so clearing the account isn't a great idea, unless you agree to stash the cash in an account in your name until the bills are due.

Don't forget to tell your childminder and / or nursery, so they can let you know if your children are upset.

:grouphug: