Partner cheated and left - what do I do?

zzzLazyDaisy

Lilacblue wrote: »

I spoke to the tax credit people this afternoon - they were great. So that's the tax credits done and the council tax. I'm doing well. Tomorrow the World!!

Well Done!! Once you know what your financial situation will be, and can work out a way of managing on your own, THEN you will be able to take a long hard impartial look at your relationship and decide whether it is what you want.

Just one thing (and I know you are angry and hurt) but your kiddies need their Dad. However hard it is, you need to find a way of putting the fall-out between you to one side so that they can keep contact with their Dad. It isn't easy, but please try to put the two things into separate compartments - they will thank you for it when they grow up. (((hugs))))

belfastgirl23

Can I ask what is he saying and doing? Is he doing the 'I'm an idiot look what I'm losing' routine or is he thinking now he's free to be with Miss Piggy (sorry can't resist the name!) If he isn't asking to come back then there's no point in us all saying you should think about it, just to state the obvious.

that said I think how YOU are reacting is right for you, it's not something anyone can predict about themselves and you have to handle it in whatever way seems right to you. Trust yourself on it. It's only you that you have to answer to in the end up.

No practical advice alas, but it sounds to me like you are really coping well with this, better than I would anyway. Lots of luck.

Lilacblue

Daisy, thank you for your posts - I know you wrote in my other post elsewhere too. You are completely right about the kid needing their dad and i hope that I never use them to get at him. I hope that I will be able to invite him round for christmas morning when the open their pressies. That will be incredibly hard but it's the right thing to do. It would be nice if he stayed for lunch as well but I couldn't trust myself with the carving knife Maybe I just need to anaethetise myself with sherry!

Belfast girl, he is sending me texts saying he's a moron, but no, he doesn't want to come back. It is not something I even want to consider, and I feel quite certain about that. I always said that an affair was the ultimate betrayal, and what he has done and more importantly the way he went about it, were beyond anything I can get over. I do care about him, and I feel very sorry for him; he is estranged from his family (they're a right couple of weirdo's) and his friends are 'our' friends, and they won't help him. I did send an email to the colleague who has been abroad with him on every trip to ask why he encouraged the whole thing. It was a nice email, very civil, and I tried to appeal to his sense of decency. He ignored it (the sod), but that would indicate to me that he has turned his back on the whole thing...it would embarrass him professionally to be associated with this...blimey, I know that there are some lovely men in the world (and probably right here) but all the ones that I'm dealing with at the moment seem to be slimeballs.

Quackers

Lilacblue wrote: »

Daisy, thank you for your posts - I know you wrote in my other post elsewhere too. You are completely right about the kid needing their dad and i hope that I never use them to get at him. I hope that I will be able to invite him round for christmas morning when the open their pressies. That will be incredibly hard but it's the right thing to do. It would be nice if he stayed for lunch as well but I couldn't trust myself with the carving knife Maybe I just need to anaethetise myself with sherry!.

no...not lunch. It would probably be too much.

but yes, just for a while in the morning for the pressie opening

I have & still do make huge efforts in encouraging my girls to spend more time than they want to with their dad. They were a lot older but it was and still is really important to me.

My Mum & grandparents stopped my Dad seeing me when I was just a couple of years old.

I didn't see him again until I was 22.

I have forgiven them...they did what they thought was right at the time. I will never forget the time I lost with my dad and the relationship I never had.

I could sometimes stab my ex with that same carving knife you have....but I find myself smiling politely for my girls sake...no one elses

Hope today goes ok for you xxx

gratefulforhelp_2

lilac blue, god bless you, you are doing brilliantly.

I disagree with other posters saying the kids need their dad. What they need is for you not to stand in the way of their seeing him so they can realise what his worth truly is, there is a subtle difference.

Remember to get his national insurance number,the CSA may need it to do a deduction of earnings if he decides at some point that he is not going to pay child support.

Well done, and huge good luck.

the_rottweiler

Hi Lilacblue

Your post could have been written by me 9 years ago today, the only difference being that she wasnt younger, but she was my best friend.

You have been given very good advice by everyone, and the only thing I can add is that government agencies are very slow at getting organised at this time of year, so be prepared to wait till the new year to hear from them.

Also, do you have family or friends you can spend xmas day with.(he can still do the present opening) I went with kids to family and they all helped keep my mind off things.

9 years on, life is good, and ex is on his own.

With a little bit of patience and organisation time is a great healer,

good luck

floss2

Maybe think about him joining you & the children for present opening....but think hard about what you say to him & about him in front of the children, no matter how small they are. Try to retain the moral high ground, even when there is nothing you want more than to say "your dad is a s***bag who can't keep his d*** in his pants" to them! Also try not to damage any relationship with his family, as grandparents can be very useful in times of need (babysitting, school shoes, extra quality time etc) and if you are seen to be keeping in touch but not s****ing him off to them, you'll be polishing your halo in no time!

Lilacblue

Thank you for your post rottweiler. I do have several places to go on Christmas day, but the idea of playing happy families is a bit too much to bear. So I might drop the kids at my sister's (where they will have just the best time ever) but come back here and be by myself for a bit. That's not meant to sound dramatic, but being around people who are being kind towards me somethime just makes me bawl even more!

You must have been completely devastated by your partner carrying on with your best friend. How horrific. My partner screwed a girl half his age and the whole episode has just made him look ridiculous, which, perversely, makes me feel better. If it had been with someone more 'like me' it would have been harder. I'm glad things worked out for you. I have no doubt that in a couple of years my life will be better - it's just the getting there that frightens me.

Thanks again.

littlemissmoney

Lilacblue wrote: »

You are completely right about the kid needing their dad and i hope that I never use them to get at him.

You already are:

Lilacblue wrote: »

He texted to ask if he could phone the kids to say goodnight. I replied by asking if these were the same kids he failed to bear in mind whilst humping Miss Piggy and he left it after that.

What he has done is totally wrong but please don't ruin your children's relationship with their dad. Let him say goodnight to them. You don't have to talk to him.

He has nowhere to go, is living in his car, he has no clean clothes, no family, he is being stopped from even saying goodnight to his children, is prone to depression and he is about to spend Christmas on his own. Please think carefully. How would you feel if he commited suicide and left your children without a father?

I'm not defending his actions at all, and the relationship would be over if I were you, but please consider letting him live in the house (with you leading seperate lives) until he can sort out an alternative arrangement, let him see the children, collect his possessions, etc

Lilacblue

Hello again Floss.

You are, of course, completely right. The children love their dad and I have to get over my own need to rip his head off. He has only been here for about an hour after I found out what had happened between him and Miss Piggy, but I just couldn't stop myself asking him for all the detail. It sounds silly but it was really important to know EXACTLY when he first slept with her, where they were etc. The fact that he kept saying 'I can't remember' just enraged me even more.

I fluctuate between wanting to rip their heads from their bodies, and wanting to be The Better Person. There seems to be no satisfaction in the latter though.

On a different note, my trek across to the garage this evening went better than expected. No spiders to be seen, although I did stand in pigeon poo in my slippers. Tomorrow at dawn I will tackle Putting Out the Rubbish.

Sorry to be flippant, but I am on my third glass of wine. And if you can't laugh in times of trouble what can you do...!