Partner cheated and left - what do I do?

Michelin

MsDee wrote: »

It's an open forum - I can write what i wish. if you don't agree with my 'terrible advice' - it doesn't make a scrap of difference to me.

I advised what I feel is a helpful list to work through to the OP - she can regard/disregard as much or as little as she wants.

Michelin wrote: »

Have to agree with Mr Cow that Ms Dee's advice is terrible and I did think that she had clearly not gone through anything like this.

What a narrow minded comment - so the only people that can advise her is ones that 'have gone through it'

Not at all but you honestly do not know what this kind of thing feels and how devastated you feel until you have gone through it - trust me on this. I went through similar - and I know others that have - I the last thing I could have done three days later is change locks, empty bank accounts etc - you just are not able to cope with it.l

Quackers

Lilacblue wrote: »

I have just seen myself in the mirror...god, I look like a complete wreck, like something out of Evil Dead.

:rotfl:

I went through very similar circumstances 2 years ago.



Lazy daisy has offered you some great advice so I wont repeat what her and others have advised.

I will just add that it WILL get better.

I met my husband at 18. We were together for 18 years and have 2 children.

I was devastated when I discovered he had been cheating on me (for a LOT longer than a couple of months - he was also 40 - she was 22:rolleyes:)

Your above comment made me think back to the first weekend he had the girls and I was left alone for the weekend. Instead of getting all busy and doing something nice I cracked open a bottle of Vodka and drank...and drank...and drank... then my mum knocked on the front door. She'd come to check I was ok with a huge bunch of flowers...I opened the door, snatched the flowers off her, chucked them on the floor, and went back to my vodka

Anyhoo, 2 years on and I have MY own house & my own very happy life.

Today I have just finished ripping up the carpet in my daughters bedroom ready for a new one to be fitted later tonight. A couple of weeks ago I was removing a kitchen cupboard to have a new boiler fitted.... things I would not have even considered myself capable of doing a couple of years ago. I can even sort out my own car tax/mot/insurance :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

I also knew almost immediately that I could never take him back. I considered it but knew in the back of my mind it wouldn't work out.

It will be tough. It will get worse.

But then you will turn a corner & things will start looking a little bit better.

Just a little bit.

Then a lot

2010? Just in time eh? New you? new start? New beginnings?

You CAN do it....it will just take a lot of time.

Allow yourself time to grieve....19 years is a long, long time. I'd spent half of my life & all of my adult life with my Ex. I knew nothing else. Now I know so much more

I've had a ball....I'm still having a ball. I don't look back and get bitter. I appreciate the time we had, remember the good times, appreciate the 2 amazing children we have together....I have no regrets.

There are lots of people here for you...almost 24/7 you will find someone to talk to.

Pm me if you want to rant..

Big squishy hugs from me.

I hope you and your children have the best christmas you can have in the current circumstances.

We split up in November. I won't lie to you - our first xmas was truly pants. My girls cried. Their dad didn't turn up when they asked him to...it was awful. But it was just one xmas. nothing too important in the grand scheme of things

Try and stay on as friendly terms as possible with your ex. It will make things so much easier if you can. We have our moments obviously but the majority of the time we are ok....I think it's really important for the children

xxxxxx

Lilacblue

Thank you. I am most worried about money and finacnes now. I am quite an independent person and I have lots of support but I am really concerned because I don't think I can handle this house alone, and if it takes a few months to sell, well, he may have become quite difficult by then. At the moment I have a level of power, people have sided with me to condemn him but I wonder whether, in a few months he'll be living the single life, possibly with someone new (he does have a way of making people like him), certainly he'll be out every night. At some point he will realise that actually he CAN get away with being a b*****d and get as much out of the situation as he can. It's so unfair...he has a much greater earning capacity, and I have to support two kids and make do. He should give me the equity, walk away and start again - not a problem for him, but a huge one for me.

thorsoak

Sending you another {hug} - and passing a bottle of wine (to be opened later - not just now, it's only lunch time )

I haven't been through what you're going through, but have supported a couple of friends through similar circumstances. The advice to go to see your doctor for STD test is good - if he has been irresponsible enough to sleep with one person, you should make sure that you are safe.

Secondly, I would agree -pay all the bill up to the date that you threw him out from the joint account and then put half (plus another 25%) of the remaining money into your own account (someone might advice him to empty the jount a/c) and notify the Council - you can claim the 25% discount for single adult in house) and start making a list of all joint bills - utilities, insurances, etc. If he is not in the house, then they should be transferred into your name only.

Look around - get advice and find the best family law solicitor you can - you don't have to give instructions at this stage - what would you require from him in the way of maintenance for the children/what you are entitled to from CSA rates - once you have figures straight in yourown mind, then when you talk to him, you will be talking to him from a firm basis.

Take time to be kind to yourself - and don't forget to treat yourself as well as the children over Christmas. The New Year is only just two weeks away - time enough to look to what you want from the future.

Lilacblue

Thank you Quackers...I actually laughed out loud at your post! And well done for doing so well. That is such an inspiration. At the moment just want to shut myself away. I am dreading picking the kids up tonight because it's easier when I'm on my own. In many ways it helps having them with me - I love them so much and they give me strength. On the other hand it's hard to pretend everything is normal. Last nigth I took them to buy a christmas tree. Then I couldn't get it out of the boot and ended up dragging it through a pile of mud. And I was angry but crying at the same time because that was something that their dad should have been doing with them, and it should be a joyous time.
I am due at work tomorrow and am going to have the day (at least) off. I am very committed to my job but I am shocked at how I am today. Yesterday was just so completely different, just so matter of fact.
I want it all to go away.

Bettyboop

How terrible is all this. I found out about my husband's infidelity 3 months ago and you describe exactly what I went through. Feeling sick to death doesn't even touch sides. This betrayal is the worst thing a man can do to a woman married or unmarried. You are lucky to have kind and caring friends, if you are comfortable approach 1 or 2 to get some help and encouragement. The first few weeks will be the worst and as for timing it doesn't matter that Christmas is around the corner, you need somebody. I tried my best not to cry or even imagine myself doing something far worse in front of the children but it wasn't always easy. You will become stronger I know you will. Sending you a big BIG hug. x

sazzybum

Lilacblue wrote: »

Thank you Quackers...I actually laughed out loud at your post! And well done for doing so well. That is such an inspiration. At the moment just want to shut myself away. I am dreading picking the kids up tonight because it's easier when I'm on my own. In many ways it helps having them with me - I love them so much and they give me strength. On the other hand it's hard to pretend everything is normal. Last nigth I took them to buy a christmas tree. Then I couldn't get it out of the boot and ended up dragging it through a pile of mud. And I was angry but crying at the same time because that was something that their dad should have been doing with them, and it should be a joyous time.
I am due at work tomorrow and am going to have the day (at least) off. I am very committed to my job but I am shocked at how I am today. Yesterday was just so completely different, just so matter of fact.
I want it all to go away.

I wish for you it could Lilac (((hugs))) However...and trust me on this... next year-no matter what happens or how this turns out-you'll go get your tree and say to the kids ''remember last year we tried to get it out of the car and it fell in the mud'' and have a giggle. Impossible right now to imagine, but I swear Lilac sweetie- it WILL and DOES get better. You'll be a mess just now, but you wake up one day and realise that this (him) isn't the first thing you thought about-and you'll know you're going to survive. You'll stay angry for a long time, and God you'll want to hurt him how he hurt you, but you have two of the best things that he doesn't right now- your children. They may seem a burden occasionally when you're on your own, but later on you'll be SO grateful that they saved your sanity!

Lilacblue

Thank you so much. It would help if I could stop feeling so angry towards the people involved. My partner has been a complete twonk...I mean, this girl sounds about 14. Here's her voicemail...(adopt a really breathy girly american accent for this)...'hey my friends, if there is a message in your heart, just set it freeeee'. I knew at that point that she and I were never going to get on. And she kept telling me how 'difficult' it all was for her. Then I read some of her stuff on facebook (I got into his account) from the dates that I knew they would have been together and she talks like this, in that ridiculously earnest psychobabble that american teenagers use. Anyway, turns out they were off to a college party (after which they sh*gged in her car and then at her house. WITHOUT CONDOMS!)...

"OMG I am so, like, COMPLETELY having a wild time!!!!! Facebook isn't big enough for me to tell you about it right now!! LOL!! Like you guys know what I'm talking about, right LOL LOL!!! Oh this is all so CRAZY and so DEEP and so, like, INTENSE!!! See you guys later, OMG it's gonna be a blast!!! LOVE YOU!!!!!!!'

And that, my friends, was the 20 year old my partner dumped his life for.

roger196

It is essential you close all joint bank accounts. If you do not and he takes out a £10k loan and defaults, you are liable. Empty the joint account, use it for living expenses. CSA are very very slow. Remember that a solicitor has a vested interest in getting you and OH to fight over assets. The more you fight, the more he can charge. Try and negotiate direct with OH over assets and access to children. Then use a solicitor to sort out the legal agreement especially with the house. CAB is useful for advice, especially benefit check.
Whatever you decide to do, try to organise things so that they can be reversed if you change your mind.

sazzybum

Lilacblue wrote: »

Thank you so much. It would help if I could stop feeling so angry towards the people involved. My partner has been a complete twonk...I mean, this girl sounds about 14. Here's her voicemail...(adopt a really breathy girly american accent for this)...'hey my friends, if there is a message in your heart, just set it freeeee'. I knew at that point that she and I were never going to get on. And she kept telling me how 'difficult' it all was for her. Then I read some of her stuff on facebook (I got into his account) from the dates that I knew they would have been together and she talks like this, in that ridiculously earnest psychobabble that american teenagers use. Anyway, turns out they were off to a college party (after which they sh*gged in her car and then at her house. WITHOUT CONDOMS!)...

"OMG I am so, like, COMPLETELY having a wild time!!!!! Facebook isn't big enough for me to tell you about it right now!! LOL!! Like you guys know what I'm talking about, right LOL LOL!!! Oh this is all so CRAZY and so DEEP and so, like, INTENSE!!! See you guys later, OMG it's gonna be a blast!!! LOVE YOU!!!!!!!'

And that, my friends, was the 20 year old my partner dumped his life for.

Hmm, unfortunately, they reach a certain age, and the first fluttery eyelashes set them a bit mental! You mentioned he had problems before...can you imagine how his stupid head would have turned as soon as this brainless airhead looked up to him and told him how wonderful he was? And No! I'm not defending him (before anyone chucks me off this thread) Pathetic really. But don't they all think with their trousers? Sorry Lilac-went off on a tangent there. Some of them buy Harley Davidsons, and some go grab a Barbie Brainless. I just want you to know that you are supported here. I might be a 'noobie' but i'll keep reading and hopefully lighten the load a wee bit.