Partner cheated and left - what do I do?

zzzLazyDaisy

Miss Dee, yes he did betray his wife, but they have two young children. When the dust has settled, they may be able to work through this, some couples do. For the moment (in my view) OP needs to avoid making any long term or hasty decisions about her marriage because she is in a state of upset and shock. What she decides to do about her marriage going forward is a very personal decision and there are no right or wrong answers - every situation is different and we don't have the facts - probably OP doesn't have the full facts yet.

sazzybum

MsDee wrote: »

Empty it - better to be safe than sorry - you can always put it back, but at least you have it. You are supporting three people, he is supporting his cheating self and lets face it, he can put 'his expenses' on the company credit card, like everything else.

Get a piece of paper and pen and make a list - imagine the kids are going to walk through the door any minute - that will help you move quickly.

1) Change the locks.

2) Clear out joint bank account

3) Put all bills into his name.

4) Do you have any evidence of his cheating - texts etc - as if you do decide to divorce him on the grounds of adultery, the courts will be more in your favour rather than an 'agreed divorce'.

5) Contact the CSA for kids support

6) Contact the mortgage company - don't give your account number and details just explain the situationfind out what would happen next.

7) Contact CAB/Get lawyer free legal aid.

8) Open up another personal bank account - for you only.

9) Bin/drop off at his parents all his stuff - I know it sounds very early and ruthless - but less reminders of him the better, opening the cupboard door and seeing his stuff there, will bring you right down.

10) Put all benefits/child tax credits in your name.


10) Go the STD clinic and have all tests

11) Pour yourself a glass of wine - you are well shot of the cheating scumbag. Let him have his mid life crisis, he'll be the one stuck in a grotty bedsit, while his bit of stuff leaves cos he's not spending any money on her.

12) Go see your GP - start the free counselling now/just an impartial shoulder to cry on - you will need it.

13) Go and get some St Johns Wort from health shop if you think you could be prone to depression - DON'T go on anti-depressants.

14) Be careful, but start a blog/diary (annonymous of course) - charting what you do every day and how you are feeling - you will look back at be amazed.

15) Every day - go and have some me time - meditation/coffee with friends/magazne - just 30 mins will make a world of difference.

16) Every time you feel weak - imagine you and the kids left with nothing - it really does work and you will run around like a mand woman - achieveing loads.

17) Invite as many people around for Xmas as possible - elderly neighbour etc as it will keep kids distracted and stop you from slumping with booze when they go to bed.

WELL DONE for being strong and kicking him out - I applaud you for that.

**edit - am surprised at posters saying 'forgive and forget'. He has betrayed his wife and the impression I'm getting is - can;t you work through this..you are laying yourslef open for a life time of betrayal, and mis-trust. DON'T DO IT

No offence- but I take it this has happened to you as well? Some people aren't as strong as you, and it's too frightening to face everything alone after the security of a marriage. I was the same as you to be honest MsDee, it was 'out and no going back' but also accept that some can't handle it on their own for a while. They'll get there-eventually in a realtionship LBM, but the OP wanted to discuss her options-which is what we were doing.:o

springclean

hi lilacblue. first thing is not to panic. the world will not crash down on you. i've done this - twice - and come out better each time for taking control of my life myself and just cracking on.

Firstly, ignore any well-meaning advice about changing the locks. legally you can't if your hubby is on the mortgage. he has the right to come and go, but you may find he will not use that right as he has been caught out and in the wrong, and may become a bit sheepish for that fact.

so, if you are both on the mortgage, you are both responsible for paying it. If you are living alone in the house, you will be responsible for the household bills, but you will get benefits, and like someone else said, if you work at least 16 hours a week you can get tax credits, which are a real help if you have children.

your hubby will also have to pay maintenance, and someone else mentioned going on to the CSA website. i would suggest contacting them asap as if you and hubby cannot work out an amount amically between you without getting them involved, then the CSA will only backdate to the day you informed them you had split.

of course all of this info is only necessary if you are definitely splitting. you have not said if he has said it's over or you will not take him back anyway. if you are splitting, then don't rush into anything, get as much advice as you can, and make sure you act only in the interest of your children and yourself. trust me, if you start feeling sorry for him, it will come back to bite you. my ex hubby changed beyond belief once we split and would have put me and the kids in a hovel if i hadn't fought for my hard-earned share of our assets.

once you have assessed things, and if you have a job of any kind, you may be surprised with regards what you can afford. in the meantime, use your anger to focus on getting on and getting ahead. you CAN do it!

good luck

Indie_Kid

MsDee wrote: »

5) Contact the CSA for kids support

Whether this is possible, given the OP's situation I don't know, but:
Isn't it better to try to make an agreement with him first, instead of getting CSA involved?

Lilacblue

THANK YOU SO MUCH.
I am going to print out what you have said and go through it. I don't even feel able to think for myself at the moment. It is so hard that the one person I would always turn to at times like this is him, and yet he is the one who has done this to me. One minute i feel ok and then I start dwelling on what has happened and imagining them being together and them feeling so clever for getting away with it. I know the reality is that they probably didn't think of me at all, but it's impossible not to take it deeply personally.
He has had a lot of problems over the years, with depression and a problem with drinking; whilst he was here he never abstained or anything but he seemed to regulate it. I knew he had blow-outs because I found drink hidden sometimes. And I looked at his expenses receipts and saw just how much alcohol was on there...I mean hundreds of pounds worth. Now it makes sense - he was spending it on her and her friends. I challenged him in the past about alcohol on expenses and he said that it was corporate hospitality and was 'common' to claim all that on drink. Surely to god his company knows that there were no corporate guests and they are funding his drinking - I'm amazed they allow this and I kind of suspect that they don't. That's why i'm worried about his career unravelling.

neneromanova

Do NOT change the locks like MsDee said. He, annoyingly, has as much right to enter the house as you do as both of your names are on it.

go to entitledto.co.uk and type in your details. Sorry for what the prat has done to you.

MsDee

sazzybum wrote: »

No offence- but I take it this has happened to you as well? Some people aren't as strong as you, and it's too frightening to face everything alone after the security of a marriage. I was the same as you to be honest MsDee, it was 'out and no going back' but also accept that some can't handle it on their own for a while. They'll get there-eventually in a realtionship LBM, but the OP wanted to discuss her options-which is what we were doing.:o

no, luckily it hasn't happened to me. I am not or have never been married, but have supported a lot of friends through similar situations, most after their husbands have left, have continued to behave in the most appalling ways - leaving them with nothing.

sorry, but disagree with some of the points - she shouldn't be sitting back - what happens if HE empties the bank account, while she is 'taking deep breaths' and she needs to get her sexual health checked asap. She has two other litte people to think about - he clearly didn't think of them or her while he was screwing away.

She needs to get moving now and sort out all the important things like how she is going to financially survive, not thinking how can we get through this. If she wants to do that, that can come later.

We don't know if she works etc, he could be withdrawing all the funds as I type this

mrcow

Miss Dee - that was terrible advice.

For starters, if the house is jointly owned then it's absolutely pointless changing the locks. You can't lock someone out of their own property.

Also - you can't legally "put bills in his name" - how exactly do you propose the OP does that. Also - what's the point of "clearing out" the joint account? The bills still have to be paid out of it!

OP - whatever happens, you have two small children that love and need their Dad. It's Christmas next week - you should be thinking about how you are going to get through next week before you think of changing the locks or anything else so ridiculous.

Your first port of call is to speak with your husband. You've been together 19 years. Don't throw it all away because you're angry.

Even if you're not going to be together anymore, it doesn't mean that you can't behave like adults.

munkiemunkie81

Oh god, i'm so sorry. Really truly sorry.

I'm going to speak from my own experience....

My husband cheated on me, many times - and I was fool enough to attempt to rebuild and move on. I can only say that with hindsight and at the time I really really thought we would be ok, trust me I was nowhere near strong enough or brave enough in the beginning to think about kicking him out and sorting all the financial stuff out in just a few days.

That is some pretty hardcore organising you are attempting to take on so soon. Is there money enough in the bills account now to keep them going for a month can you canel his card access to that account so the bill payments are safe this month? That should ease the pressure a little on you to get through the next few weeks.

Just take each day as it comes. If you want to spend all day crying - just do it x

You obviously need to talk to him as he will play a massive part in your circumstances from now on, but don't rush into it, the calmer you can do it, the better - for the children.

Whatever happens just make sure you are 100% certain.

You will be in my thoughts x

Lilacblue

Thank you everyone...I am taking in all that you say.
Incidentally, we never married. I do work - I work 24 hours a week and get £20,500 for that which I am now very grateful for. I have a childminder and will phone tax credits today when I calm down a bit.
You are right about feeling a bit sorry for him. I have to remind myself that the person I feel sorry for is not the person he actually now is. He had a crappy upbringing and some of the problems he has do cause him distress. Not my problem I know, and I need to keep those feelings in check. He told me he is sleeping in his car, which I believe, and 'doesn't know what to do'. To me it's obvious you moron... book a hotel/ find shared accommodation, show some humility, check we are ok, go to work. But I'm not going to rescue him in that way.
I have just seen myself in the mirror...god, I look like a complete wreck, like something out of Evil Dead.