Partner cheated and left - what do I do?

zzzLazyDaisy

neneromanova wrote: »

Do NOT change the locks like MsDee said. He, annoyingly, has as much right to enter the house as you do as both of your names are on it. .

Unfortunately this is correct.

Fire_Fox

Just wanted to send you ((((hugs)))) I was cheated on a few months ago by my partner of only three years, no children and I never will now. My entire world fell to pieces so I can't imagine how you are feeling. Although mine 'only' cheated twice there were lots of other little things that came out in the ensuing weeks, and I can't imagine ever trusting ANYONE ever again.

I think you are doing brilliantly to be thinking about sorting out the bank account and bills, make sure you get child support from him ASAP, think about whether you have space for a lodger to help with bills (tax free income), look into benefits such as working tax credits, if you don't already start doing online surveys/ mystery shopping/ matched betting, complete a Statement of Affairs and post up on the DFW or MFW board and see where you can cut back.

I am not saying do or do not get back together, but you need to have your independence so that you can make a choice for yourself, not feel forced into it for financial reasons or for the children. Again ((((hugs))))

sazzybum

MsDee wrote: »

no, luckily it hasn't happened to me. I am not or have never been married, but have supported a lot of friends through similar situations, most after their husbands have left, have continued to behave in the most appalling ways - leaving them with nothing.

sorry, but disagree with some of the points - she shouldn't be sitting back - what happens if HE empties the bank account, while she is 'taking deep breaths' and she needs to get her sexual health checked asap. She has two other litte people to think about - he clearly didn't think of them or her while he was screwing away.

She needs to get moving now and sort out all the important things like how she is going to financially survive, not thinking how can we get through this. If she wants to do that, that can come later.

We don't know if she works etc, he could be withdrawing all the funds as I type this

Which is why I mentioned the OP taking out 'her' half of the joint account-just in case. As I mentioned previously, in this sort of situation, no-one knows how the other will react. Usually completely differently to what you thought they would. Apologies MsDee, thought there was such an anger there that it had happened to you, but I know myself how angry I get on behalf of my friends when they get hurt, so-understandable.

However, this is about Lilac, and her state of mind. Honestly Lilac, please do NOT make any hasty decisions about the relationship.. the last thing you want is to be sitting couple of years down the line saying ''well...what if I'd tried' It's completely up to you what you do, but please make sure you at least get half of what's in that account. The very very last thing you want to be doing is wonder where the next penny is coming from. As for your husband and his job-it'll be him that stuffed it up, him and his total disregard of his respnsibilities. You and your two children are what matter at the moment.

fernliebee

I'm so sorry your having to deal with this, esp at the minute as christmas is coming and you want it to be special for your little ones. In one way this may help you focus, as sometimes having to put on a brave face for a while can help you stay strong. Just make sure at some point you get some support and let yourself get used to the situation.

Personally I know I could never be with a cheat, and it would be the end for me, esp as it was an affair and not a fling. However whatever any of us would do, only OP knows her own mind and hope she sorts the situation out as much as is poss in the horrible circumstances. OP asked for help, so I don't think discussing rights/ wrongs of kicking him out is helpful. She has done it and needs to move on for herself and her kids.

I'm sorry I don't have any advice really apart from to echo the CAB advice. They are great as they can actually make phonecalls for you/ sit with you while you phone if you don't feel up to it. They are great!!

Michelin

mrcow wrote: »

Miss Dee - that was terrible advice.

For starters, if the house is jointly owned then it's absolutely pointless changing the locks. You can't lock someone out of their own property.

Also - you can't legally "put bills in his name" - how exactly do you propose the OP does that. Also - what's the point of "clearing out" the joint account? The bills still have to be paid out of it!

OP - whatever happens, you have two small children that love and need their Dad. It's Christmas next week - you should be thinking about how you are going to get through next week before you think of changing the locks or anything else so ridiculous.

Your first port of call is to speak with your husband. You've been together 19 years. Don't throw it all away because you're angry.

Even if you're not going to be together anymore, it doesn't mean that you can't behave like adults.

Have to agree with Mr Cow that Ms Dee's advice is terrible and I did think that she had clearly not gone through anything like this.

It only happened on Sunday and the OP needs time to think about what she wants to do. If it is all over for her then she can make her plans but maybe a few days on she wants to talk to him. The advice given was not totally correct and I am not sure the OP could cope with doing all that at once - she will be very emotional.

zzzLazyDaisy

Lilacblue wrote: »

Thank you everyone...I am taking in all that you say.
Incidentally, we never married. I do work - I work 24 hours a week and get £20,500 for that which I am now very grateful for. I have a childminder and will phone tax credits today when I calm down a bit..

Okay, if you never married, then you also don't have the same rights that a wife would have in a divorce (share of his pension, spousal maintenance, adjustment of shares in the property to provide a home for the children).

On the plus side, you do work, so you have an independent income. You are entitled to maintenance for the children as set out on the CSA website, whether that is a voluntary payment from him or via the CSA. Maintenance is not taken into account for Council Tax Benefit, or for Tax credits. You may also be entitled to assistance with child care through the tax credit system (I don't know much about that, but others will).

It sounds like your OH has a drink problem. Do consider going to Al Anon (for families of alcoholics), if you don't already. They won't help you to sort his drinking out - only he can do that - but they will help you to learn to live your life despite his drinking, and to cope with the consequences of his drinking. It is free and confidential and you will meet ordinary people who have been where you are now.

Lilacblue

Everyone, I'm sorry but I don't know how to 'thank' you all or respond to you individually (I haven't used mse very much) but toinght I will sit and go through this again and take it in, I hope.
You are wonderful...this is like having good friends turn up at my house with a hug, roll their sleeves up, pour me a glass of wine and say 'right then, let's get you sorted out, lady'. I hope that in future I can offer the same support to someone else.
I suppose I am feeling a bit isolated too. I told my parents and my sister on Sunday and spoke to them yesterday daytime, but since then nobody has even phoned to just see if I'm ok. I have one wonderful friend who knows, and she has been a rock. But she has a famly and a job and I am not comfortable offloading onto her all the time.
Incidentally, I got a message from the girls mother (I will call this girl 'Miss Piggy' which is very juvenile but she DOES look like her, and it makes me feel better). It was all about how upset her daughter is. For gods sake, like I care! It was almost indignant in it's tone. if my 20 yr old was sleeping with a 40 year old I'd have done a bit of snooping I think. But this woman was going out with them and took some lovely 'couple' photo's of them which I have seen. She claims that he told everyone he was divorced and she accepted that. Her daughter said that she suspected he wasn't telling her the truth but they still went on with the affair. I have been very civil to Miss Piggy and her mother but today if they were in this room with me now I swear I would rip their arms off.

MsDee

Michelin wrote: »

Have to agree with Mr Cow that Ms Dee's advice is terrible and I did think that she had clearly not gone through anything like this.

It only happened on Sunday and the OP needs time to think about what she wants to do. If it is all over for her then she can make her plans but maybe a few days on she wants to talk to him. The advice given was not totally correct and I am not sure the OP could cope with doing all that at once - she will be very emotional.

It's an open forum - I can write what i wish. if you don't agree with my 'terrible advice' - it doesn't make a scrap of difference to me.

I advised what I feel is a helpful list to work through to the OP - she can regard/disregard as much or as little as she wants.

Michelin wrote: »

Have to agree with Mr Cow that Ms Dee's advice is terrible and I did think that she had clearly not gone through anything like this.

What a narrow minded comment - so the only people that can advise her is ones that 'have gone through it'

Lilacblue

zzzLazyDaisy wrote: »

Okay, if you never married, then you also don't have the same rights that a wife would have in a divorce (share of his pension, spousal maintenance, adjustment of shares in the property to provide a home for the children).

On the plus side, you do work, so you have an independent income. You are entitled to maintenance for the children as set out on the CSA website, whether that is a voluntary payment from him or via the CSA. Maintenance is not taken into account for Council Tax Benefit, or for Tax credits. You may also be entitled to assistance with child care through the tax credit system (I don't know much about that, but others will).

It sounds like your OH has a drink problem. Do consider going to Al Anon (for families of alcoholics), if you don't already. They won't help you to sort his drinking out - only he can do that - but they will help you to learn to live your life despite his drinking, and to cope with the consequences of his drinking. It is free and confidential and you will meet ordinary people who have been where you are now.

Oh god, what do you mean about shares in the house? That frightens me. His pension is not worth much, I think, as he never took care of it (typical).
Regarding the alcohol, he did go to Alcoholics Anonymous once, but with all his behaviour around drinking, I have always felt that his moderation was only because of me and the knowledge that I would not accept it if he didn't play by the rules. With me gone I do expect him to drink heavily, but I don't feel bad about that...I'm kind of weary of battling his problems.

tinatony1

Dear Lilacblue

i am so very sorry for what you are going through. i too am going through the same thing and it sucks big time. you mentioned that you had looked at my thread and you will see from it that at times it will seem easier and then at times it will get worse.

you have to decide what you want to do, do you want him back, do you never want to see him again?
i am still trying to work that one out and i know in time that it will become clearer but how long is anyones guess.

please feel free to PM me if you want a private chat

all the very best with the biggest ((((Hugs))))) ever

tina