Partner cheated and left - what do I do?

zzzLazyDaisy

jamesey07 wrote: »

you need to ask yourself WHY DID HE CHEAT?

He cheated for the same reason that lots of men with young children cheat - his partner is busy being the mother of his children, and (shock horror) he is no longer the centre of her world. Most men accept this and willingly and happily take on the adult role of joint parent and home builder.

Sadly, there are some immature individuals who can't take their place in the grown-up world of being a partner and father, and seek refuge with whichever floozy with loose knickers happens to cross their path....

Lilac, there is NO excuse for cheating, and you are not to blame for your Ex's actions.

springclean

as a woman i'd like to defend jamesey07's comment. i think some women can grab their metaphorical torches and pitchforks when they feel they are wronged by their man cheating, so much so that they dont look at themselves and their input in their relationship. i'm not saying cheating is right, and that Lilacblue is to blame, but these things are never black and white, and we as posters on a forum can not make assumptions about a relationship and join the baying mob because we are male or female and need to take our appropriate sides - which only serves to alienate the sexes further.

people are complex, and have mental baggage from chidhood and previous relationships that defines their decisions, whether their OH is perfect or not. and then there are relationships that are one-sided, for one of any number of reasons. how many times have any of us seen a couple split up and been shocked because from the outside they seemed the perfect pair? There is a saying about not knowing what goes on behind closed doors..

perhaps lilacblue's OH hit a mid-life crisis, or perhaps he wasn't happy at home - that is none of our business. helping with advice with the practicalities and words of support we can do, and i wish her well with it.

Lunar_Eclipse

springclean wrote: »

as a woman i'd like to defend jamesey07's comment. i think some women can grab their metaphorical torches and pitchforks when they feel they are wronged by their man cheating, so much so that they dont look at themselves and their input in their relationship. i'm not saying cheating is right, and that Lilacblue is to blame, but these things are never black and white, and we as posters on a forum can not make assumptions about a relationship and join the baying mob because we are male or female and need to take our appropriate sides - which only serves to alienate the sexes further.

people are complex, and have mental baggage from chidhood and previous relationships that defines their decisions, whether their OH is perfect or not. and then there are relationships that are one-sided, for one of any number of reasons. how many times have any of us seen a couple split up and been shocked because from the outside they seemed the perfect pair? There is a saying about not knowing what goes on behind closed doors..

perhaps lilacblue's OH hit a mid-life crisis, or perhaps he wasn't happy at home - that is none of our business. helping with advice with the practicalities and words of support we can do, and i wish her well with it.

Whilst I can see what you (& James) are saying, there are many people who simply believe that there is no excusable reason for a married person to cheat on their spouse. Ever.

Admittedly it is rare for a 100% happily married person to cheat on their partner. But by the same token, these people rarely exist in reality, so it comes down to respect, principles and moral values. We all know relationships take work from both sides. Even in the most unloving marriages, problems should be dealt with before one party is driven into the arms of another (ideally).

Lilacblue, you are an inspiration in how you're dealing with this.

Person_one

jamesey07 wrote: »

you need to ask yourself WHY DID HE CHEAT? where you's taking eachother for granted, ok now the cheating has happened, NOTHING WILL EVER CHANGE THAT, you will NEVER trust him the rest of your life, even if you do get back with him, so WHAT DO YOU DO NOW? well clearing out his bank account won't help, not only will you be leaving him short of money but you could be done for stealing, wrecking his clothes you'll be done for criminal damage, i know these things might seem appatising now at the moment but don't lower yourself, do you want to be remembered as a wife who stole money, and wrecked clothes and done a pile of other things, oh no because then YOU will look the bad 1 to the genral populous around you,

i think you should take things slowly, YES THIS IS GOING TO BE A HARD TIME, but don't do things that might seem tempting now that you could end up regreting later, as it will only backfire against you LONG TERM

Its not his bank account, it's a joint account set up up purely for the purposes of taking care of the family's needs. Well this guy removed himself from the family!

Lilac please tell us you've taken at least some of the money out of that account!

consultant31

jamesey07 wrote: »

you need to ask yourself WHY DID HE CHEAT?

It doesn't matter why. If one partner takes a fancy to someone else, the very least they can do is have the decency to tell their partner and leave BEFORE they have the fling.

In this case, he's got his wife for the washing, cleaning, child rearing etc, and the bit on the side for the nice, uncomplicated sex, which in my eyes, makes him a lying, cheating !!!!!! who deserves to be taken apart.

Lilacblue

Hi Folks

Well, this has become a right old can of worms! Thank you for all your comments, they are as gratefully received as ever. I have no problem with being asked if there were problems at home or if I should look at my own part in my ex's behaviour. But look, I know what he did. I was 4,000 miles away, just carrying on with the family. Does that make me complacent? Or somehow in part responsible for that roving eye? Nah, I don't think so. James, hopefully you did read this thread right through from the begininning, then you would understand exactly what has happened and how. I'm not a slouchy old bag sitting on the sofa every night stuffing chocolate into my mouth and getting slobby, distant and unattractive. I was a loyal friend, an ally and a source of support when life went wrong for him. When his dad died, when he was made redundant (twice) when he was clinically depressed. He had fertility problems, and I went through ivf for him; I stuffed myself full of ivf drugs, I injected myself, I carried his children. It comes down to mutual respect (even if there is no love). I had it and he didn't. That's it really. I've not shredded his suits or phoned his boss, or made his life hell, even though that's what he did to me. I can't and won't apologise for being angry. I only did one bad thing, the day that I found out (and yes, I'd probably do it again evn though it was stupid) But thanks for your opinion.

Anyway, how's everyone tonight? Got all your wrapping done? No, me neither. And work tomorrow. Am DREADING this. I haven't been to work for a week and a half and it will be hard. My partner/ex-partner/Respected Other is to have the children all day, which will be strange. But not as strange as how today went...

I went to see a friend and told her what had happened. She was lovely and supportive, and as disbelieving as everyone else who knows him has been. Anyway, then she reveals to me that her and her husband have recently had all these terrible problems of their own, and I was completely astounded. And really disappointed for some reason. I think it's because I have always held them up as the Golden Couple - very successful careers, humungous wonderful house, adorable children, lots of expensive lifestyle perks etc. And yet they have had times when they've been as miserable as I am now. But I still want to know Golden People...I need to know that when all around me is rubbishy, there are still things to aspire to. Anyway, they went to Relate and she says it went well. So let's hope they stay married now forever.

Today I have been very big-hearted. My partner looked after the children today whilst I went into town, and then he brought them to me in marks and Spencer ( I know I know, I am going there a LOT). And I went to put a xmas pud in the trolley and I thought 'but nobody actually likes it apart from him and he won't be there anyway' So on the spur of the moment I actually asked him if he would like to spend xmas morning and lunch with us (see James? I am quite nice). Anyway, HE BURST INTO TEARS! I was very shocked. Then we took the children somewhere really nice to eat. I DID NOT smash my wine glass over his head. I DID NOT shout at him in the restaurant. I was calm and controlled, and determined to show him what an ar*se he has been letting someone like me go. The place was lit with very flattering fairy lights and I had my new top on (see last thread...when I went shopping on Sunday I spent waaay too much in FatFace) so I made sure that when I took our son to the toilet I held in my tummy, and no less than SASHAYED across the room, certain in the knowledge that this vision of delight could not go un-noticed by him. When I reached the end of the room I turned round to check that my efforts had had the desired effect and for gawds sake he was TALKING TO THE WAITER!!! Nice try though!

But today was ok. Colin Firth still hasn't phoned but he's probably really busy at the moment.


Laters! x

Lilacblue

Oh, and Justkeepswimming - I ordered that Which guide to divorce and splitting up. It looks great, thank you. A nice bit of gentle bedtime reading over the festive break

poet123

You know what.....you will be fine, he will be the loser, maybe you can't quite see it yet, but he can. You hold your head up and show him your life goes on.

duchy

This is what I really don't get....... Why if someone falls out of love they don't clear up their business before moving on to another relationship. Is it really only that they need a fallback in case the new relationship doesn't work ?

Jamesy I suspect you speak from the viewpoint of a cheater so maybe you can explain it ?

Lilacblue

Poet and Duchy - thank you for your comments and support.

Covlass - thanks for sharing your situation. I'm glad that you made the decision that was right for you (and it must have been a very hard thing to do). 8 years on it sounds like you're doing really well :beer: Good on you, girl!