Partner cheated and left - what do I do?

Lilacblue

Hello Lovely People

How's everyone doing? I hope you all had a good Christmas and are looking forward to the New Year. I haven't logged in for a while but it is so uplifting to come back to more messages of support...thank you so much for everything you have done for me.

My Christmas was so-so. Next year will certainly be better. If I'm honest, I have found the past few days extremely hard and I haven't been able to deal with it all how I usually do. It's all got a bit much. I am tired of waking up every morning and remembering my situation. I'm incapable of being in the same room as my ex without wanting to attack him. Feeling like this is so negative and completely exhausting...it's like someone died, enduring that relentless inability to think about anything else for more than a few minutes. I've lost my partner, the father to my children, and the person who was my best friend. There's a big gap there.

I know it will pass, I'm just feeling very wobbly. One plus is that I managed to have him here on Christmas morning right through until 3pm. A couple of days later here was here again but unfortunately it all degenerated into a slanging match and he wheeled out all the usual excuses for his behaviour (mostly consisting of it either being a) someone else's fault entirely, or b) something he did 'without any thought at all' - thus meaning he doesn't need to explain it).

On the negative side, I cried today in front of the children and I always promised myself I wouldn't do that. The youngest was ok, and it all went over his head really, but the oldest got upset too, and asked if we were splitting up. I still haven't actually said the words to them...I have no idea of what to say. What do you say to make them feel ok about it? What are the actual words that you use? I remember feeling quite frightened if i saw my own parents cry, and I'm so unhappy to be doing the same.

Why are there so many of us in this situation? Reading through this board it makes me realise that there are LOADS of us either in the same boat, or with a similar history. Good luck to us all.

Thanks again my wonderful friends, for keeping me going. You're the best. I'm gonna be bouncin' back very soon! x.

Blackpool_Saver

Hi Sweetie, I think you should be honest with them, I am sure they have figured it out by now anyway.
I absolutely hate when someone denies and deflects as your husband is doing, it can reduce me to fury, the worrying thing is the kids will see you losing it and him calm, so be careful x

rosered1963

Good luck Lilac.

The pain of this situation is often as much about the loss of the future you believe you would have had with the person, as well as the loss of the person themselves and the shock of what they have done. Personally, I think you have done great to get through Christmas with a great deal of grace.

Don't have kids so can't advise you there. Good luck and be kind to yourself

springclean

hi lilac,

sorry to hear you have had a bit of an off time.

re the kids, when you feel the time is right, just tell them what is happening. when i told my ex-hubby i wanted to divorce, he told me i had to tell the kids, so i did. i told them in turn, on their own, so they did not feed off each other in their reaction. they were 6 and 9. the youngest cried for about a minute then asked if she could go and play, and was fine from then on. the eldest cried for about a minute then asked lots of questions, which i answered. i didn't labour on it, and throughout it all i kept reassuring them that we both still loved them and that would never change, and they would always be loved and cared for and i would never let them down. 11 years on i have maintained that, and they have always come first. if they feel secure, they will accept how their life changes.

re your 'wobble'. i had lots of these (i called it the same thing - like feeling 'jangly' inside) in the first year or so of going it alone. then i met a wise man who is still my friend, and he told me about the glass of water analogy...

imagine you have a half glass of water and you want to top it up. when you pour in more water, the surface of the water becomes unstable, but you cannot go up to the next level without disturbing the surface.

i had lots of wobbles as i moved on, but now my glass spilleth over lol. well, not quite, but i trounced ex-hubby and i enjoy life being totally in control of it.

Happy New Year Lilac. Top your glass up with something fizzy x

Quackers

Lilacblue wrote: »

Thanks again my wonderful friends, for keeping me going. You're the best. I'm gonna be bouncin' back very soon! x.

but you are bouncing back already...every day...every day is one step towards your future

I was petrified about telling my girls. Absolutely petrified. They were older too...13 & 15 - my 15 year old is disabled and has some learning difficulties so I thought it would be particularly hard for here.

But I was truly amazed at their strength and the way they dealt with the whole situation. They saw me cry....they saw me sob...they saw me at my lowest (it's a lot harder to hide those feeling when they are there almost 24/7 and they are older). One of my fondest memories was when I was low and my 13 yr old put on some cheesy 80's music and refused to move until I danced with her :T

They obviously had their moment too - tears and questions galore from them both. But they were incredibly strong - our children are always so much stronger than we can ever give them credit for and it's amazing how they can deal with the most horrid of situations sometimes.

Please don't worry Lilac - they will have ups and downs too - but they will come through it with your support and encouragement.

Here's to a great 2010 for you and everyone else who is having a pretty pants time right now :beer:

Lilacblue

Hello Folks

I just wanted to revisit this thread after a couple of weeks to say thank you again to you all for your help and support. The past three weeks haven't been easy, and I've wanted to hide away a bit from everything and everybody.

When bad things happen, life goes on. It's so cheesy, but oh so true. And life hasn't been going very well, but suddenly another week has gone by and the things that bothered me before have evolved and moved on.

So...I told the kids about daddy leaving. It's become more 'normal' waking up alone. I've become more self-reliant. I sleep better. I thought he and I were getting somewhere with rebuilding some civility (definetly NOT with a view to getting back together but to try and be friends for the sake of the children). Then on New years Eve i got a phone call from Miss Piggy herself with a whole new wave of revelations that showed me that all the new honesty was in fact a pile of lies and that he was still making things up and lying to me, even about little things.

In fact the only thing that ever really really bothers him is the idea that I might do something to damage his reputation. So he's not sorry about what he's done to me and the kids, or any of the fallout, but he's SERIOUSLY bothered about me spilling the beans at work or with his friends. Nice man.

Anyway, you lot have been magnificent. I meant what i said about when i win the lottery...I shall rent that big old castle in the highlands and you shall all come up for a long weekend of log fires, champagne, merriment and Abba. And bare-butt waiters! We'll forget all our woes and rubbish and dance round and have FUN!!!! :T

Happy New Year
(but next year will be better...)

Lilac x

So things have deteriorated really.

Mrs_Moc

Hi Lilac

It doesnt sound to me like things have deteriorated at all.

You soud like a wise woman and you are discovering that life goes on regardless. There is nothing worse than dwelling on the past or living in the past.

You sound like you are doing well :T

Thanks for the update

maggied_2

Hi Lilac

I've been following this thread but haven't had anything useful to say over and above what the wonderful people on here have already covered.

Anyway just to echo Mrs Moc you sound like you're doing amazingly well! Your strength and dignity in the face of such a gut wrenchingly dreadful situation really are an inspiration. :beer:

I really don't understand what the hell Miss Piggy (love it) is doing contacting you. Is she some sort of moron? Could you change your phone number so you don't have to hear from her again - I'm actually really angry on your behalf! Does she realise what she's had a hand in doing?:mad:

Anyway good luck - you sound like you're doing brilliantly. Of course you're going to have good days and bad days and accepting that may make the bad ones a little easier to stomach - it's hasn't been that long. This hasn't just changed your life to the present, but also the future you had planned which you're entitled to grieve for.

C xxxx

Odette

Sounds like a frightful chap. Glad your getting on better Liliac.

Mely

Lilac, it doesnt sound as if things have deteriorated. You are doing amazingly well!
What a thoroughly awfull man your ex is, and the cheek of Miss Piggy phoning you! Perhaps block her number, or change yours?
Mel x