How do you put a baby to sleep on its own without crying?

cclarke12

Do you breastfeed before bedtime or give her a bottle? I have been in process of weaning my 6 month old daughter off the breast and onto the bottle in preparation for going back to work. I did notice that once I started to give her a bottle (and it could be expressed milk or formula) before bedtime that she started to go to bed more easily. We (either me or husband) start her bottle downstairs after bath time and then part way through transfer her into her cot and by the time she is at the point off finishing the bottle she is sleepy enough that she drops off by herself. The bath, bottle and sleep routine works brilliantly for us.

You are entitled opinions on controlled crying and the cruelty aspects of letting a baby cry, however, I don’t think people should be made to feel guilty for leaving their baby to cry every now and then. If you are super human or have an angelic baby that might be possible, but it isn’t possible for all of us. For parents with colicky, teething or just miserable babies, after countless sleepless nights and hours of non stop crying then sometimes you have to put the baby somewhere safe and leaving them 10 mins for your own sanity. For a period my son slept terribly and did nothing but cry for sustained periods at night and during the day, and no amount of different soothing techniques worked (and he wasn’t ill), and when you are at the point you just want to scream or sit and cry through tiredness and frustration then putting baby down in their cot and leaving them for 10 mins seems like a very good option. My daughter on the other hand is a very different character and can always be soothed and comforted, and rarely cries. Having two children has made me realise more than ever that babies have different personalities and what works for one doesn’t always work for another.

Sami_Bee

Hi Skinty!

So I have put on her lullabies on the baby monitor, and am now listening to her chatting to herself while eating a muslin.

When the music stops, she starts grumbling but not proper crying, so I put the music back on again. And she is quiet again.

Is this how you do it? Yes

What do I do if it doesn't work? How do I know if it has lol. I don;t want to go in and check and silence isn't necessarily her being asleep. As long as she's quiet she fine so leave her

I am clueless on this and don;t want to traumatise her at all, but equally we do need to get out of her needing me to sleep, as I usually have to help her nap as well, with rocking and singing, and I know she can do it on her own as she often does in the pram - just turns her head to the side, closes her eyes, and goes off.

Any tips or advice? try not to get stressed over it

I know she is tired, so if she isn't crying do you just leave them to it? yes

And what if she does cry? I know that usually only being picked up and probably fed will stop her crying when she really gets going, so I can't do 'pick up put down' a la baby whisperer.
With Ed I just cuddle him until he has stopped crying and is calm again then put him back down, sometimes he needs to feed a bit and sometimes if he's very shouty I have to hold him really tight or wrap him up a bit a la swaddling.

I'd say 90% of the time I feed him to sleep, I did the same with Chris although that was more of a pain as he was FF. IMO there is absolutely nothing wrong with feeding them to sleep, Chris sleeps fantastically well provided there's no other issue like being ill, as he got older he juts developed the skill of going to sleep and now knows when he is tired and tells me he's off for a nap when he is :A

HTH honey xx

not_tonight_josephine_2

Ms_Piggy wrote: »

Controlled crying isn't recommended for small babies. Anyway, it doesn't teach them to go to sleep, it just teaches them that no-one comes when they cry. How horrid
There's also evidence it causes neurological damage (extensive research by Margot Sutherland)

Really? I though that Margot Sunderland had effectively just done a review of the existing research (rather than doing any of her own), ignored the many well carried out trials showing no damage to babies from controlled crying, and cited only those which agree with her point of view?
None of which (as I understand it) used proper controlled trial methods.

Ruby_Moon

skintchick wrote: »

We don't talk to her when it is night - we whisper shhh and 'it's nighttime, go night nights' but nothing else unless she distraught in which case we will reassure her, but no playing.



Sorry but I will It's cruel.

Cruel?
My goodness. From the times of my mother and father there must be a great deal of people roaming this Earth who you deem to be 'emotionally scarred'.
It isn't cruel. Its life. You cannot have what you want all of the time. Its no more cruel than what you are doing and that is giving attention to your daughter every time she demands it. Thats cruel!
You think the problem will get better, it won't until you address it and establish whos in control until then, your daughter will be spoilt, demanding and is likely to carry on that behaviour with everyone she meets, including teachers and authority.
Why go through years of nighttime troubles to reach a goal you could be at in one evening?
Is one night of crying cruel compared to 3 years of unrestful, disturbed sleep for you and her?
I think you got it all mixed up.

RoxieW

Ruby_Moon wrote: »

Cruel?
My goodness. From the times of my mother and father there must be a great deal of people roaming this Earth who you deem to be 'emotionally scarred'.
It isn't cruel. Its life. You cannot have what you want all of the time. Its no more cruel than what you are doing and that is giving attention to your daughter every time she demands it. Thats cruel!
You think the problem will get better, it won't until you address it and establish whos in control until then, your daughter will be spoilt, demanding and is likely to carry on that behaviour with everyone she meets, including teachers and authority.
Why go through years of nighttime troubles to reach a goal you could be at in one evening?
Is one night of crying cruel compared to 3 years of unrestful, disturbed sleep for you and her?
I think you got it all mixed up.

Thank god a sensible poster! Babies cry - children cry - lots!
I think we need to keep perspective.
Only this morning my five year old was crying because he didnt want to go to school. I literally had to drag him there, whilst pushing my buggy and carry him kicking and screaming through the door. Did I feel wretched, guilty and upset by the incident - yes. Did my son? Yes. But what should I do - say, ok darling you dont have to go to school if you dont feel like it. I'm not going to force you if it upsets you. Believe me I would have liked nothing better. But what kind of a message does that send? Is it practical? How will it effect him long term? Sometimes being a parent is about being tough on our children.
Incidentally, within 5 minutes (once his audience - ie me, had gone) he was absolutely fine. I know him well enough to know that he has these little tantrums occasionally and how to deal with them. If my other son suddenly started doing the same I would react in a completely different way as it would be completely out of character for him and a red flag to me that something was wrong.
I think it's about finding a balance between fulfilling our childs wants and practicality. If your baby cant get to sleep by herself then that is not something that will practically work in the long term. You will be exhausted and a worse parent for it. She will be exhausted. You are setting yourself up for not only many sleepless nights but also big trouble for the future if you won't let your child cry.
I have used controlled crying (in my own way) with my 3 children. I dont appreciate being dubbed cruel and horrid. They all sleep 12 hours a night. Baby is 9 mths old and has slept through from about 4mths. He has a 2 hour nap in the daytime 11-1pm and then that is it. I dont allow naps close to bedtime and if a baby is sleeping well at night they shouldnt need it. I just put him down for his nap and he lies there for a few minutes and drifts off to sleep. Sometimes I watch through the crack of his door as its so sweet to watch.
I didnt do controlled crying with my first until he was a year old and I was physically and emotionally exhausted. After 2 difficult nights he was falling asleep by himself and sleeping through.
I say, 'in my own way' as I dont advocate leaving a child to scream no matter what. I know my baby well enough to tell what is a tired cry for attention - an objection to being put alone in a cot when he is used to fun one on one mummy attention all day - and what is a 'need' cry. If he is distressed I wont leave him - I'll comfort him, perhaps see if he wants more milk, use bonjela on his gums etc and then try again. If he's crying for attention then I would just go up every few minutes, make sure he's comfortable in his bed, ssssh him and then leave again. I dont see what is cruel about that? What should I do? Bring him out of his cot downstairs in the dead of night, mixing up his rountine and making the pair of us tired for the morning? Making me too tired to play with my older children and effecting them negatively. Also teaching him that bedtime is only bedtime if he lies quietly and goes straight to sleep - if not it can also be back downstairs to play time or lets get in mummy and daddys bed time? No, no. A friend of mine had her three year old in bed between her and her husband as she 'refused' to go in her own bed. Her bad sleep habits have put such a strain on their marriage that they have drifted apart (he was in the spare room for about 2 years so it wasnt so much of a squeeze for mum and daughter!) and are now getting divorced. Is that not cruel? Will that not effect the girl profoundly for the rest of her life?
You can try lullabies, mobiles, comforters, a good bedtime routine, dream feeds etc but babies will still cry sometimes. It is distressing to be tired and not be able to go to sleep. But they cant learn that skill if Mum keeps having them up and out of bed.
A final little cautionary tale -a friend of mine would never let her baby cry - in fact, after leaving him with his dad one evening, on hearing that he had cried she asked her OH 'did you run?' :rotfl:Her son is now a very poor sleeper and she is exhausted with another little one on the way. Not healthy, not practical and not good for any member of their family.

jillie1974

skintchick wrote: »

We have reached a bit of a hiatus with the Little Lady in terms of nightsleep. I know there is a lot going on in her life right now, with growth spurts, recovering from a virus, and possibly teething, but we need to get the nightsleep a bit more sorted as she has started waking in the night for 60-90 minutes and we need it to stop!

The health visitor said that we should put her to sleep awake, so she can go to sleep on her own, but the flaw with this is that I don't know HOW to do that, and that she usually does cry!

we put Kian down at the same time every night. usually around 10pm. even if he's awake he goes to his cot.

I won't leave her to cry. Grumbling is a different matter, she does that in the pram sometimes and I know that often she stops and goes to sleep after a few minutes of it, but I won't let her proper cry.

i will let him cry upto about 5 mins. usually by this point he's asleep. if he's still crying i will give him his soother. if doesnt work 1 o 2 oz of milk does

So tonight she is all over the place with naps because she woke in the night then slept in this morning, and has therefore had her last nap pretty much just before bedtime, so when we took her up at 6pm (her chosen bedtime, she melts down if we do it any later) she suddenly perked up.

this is why we have gone for a later time. Kian tends to be active uptil about 8.

I fed her as usual, lying down, and instead of drifting off, she was wide awake. Normally I swap my nipple for my finger (she won;t take a dummy and I dont; want to force her) but she was chatting away and generally being awake, like she does at 4.30am!

So I have put on her lullabies on the baby monitor, and am now listening to her chatting to herself while eating a muslin.

When the music stops, she starts grumbling but not proper crying, so I put the music back on again. And she is quiet again.

i dont use any music at all to get him asleep. i think it can keep them more awake. i sometimes sing 'twinkle, twinkle' to sooth him but thats during the day.

Is this how you do it?

What do I do if it doesn't work? How do I know if it has lol. I don;t want to go in and check and silence isn't necessarily her being asleep.

I am clueless on this and don;t want to traumatise her at all, but equally we do need to get out of her needing me to sleep, as I usually have to help her nap as well, with rocking and singing, and I know she can do it on her own as she often does in the pram - just turns her head to the side, closes her eyes, and goes off.

Any tips or advice?

I know she is tired, so if she isn't crying do you just leave them to it?

if she is tired, crying can be because she is overtired. if you leave her for a few mins (most i leave is 5) she will prob fall asleep

And what if she does cry? I know that usually only being picked up and probably fed will stop her crying when she really gets going, so I can't do 'pick up put down' a la baby whisperer.

i dont think there is a definitive answer. we've been very relaxed about sleeping. i never expected the sleeping to be easy so i've not put any stress on myself if he hasnt slept all night, or needs a few more cuddles than usual thats fine. no 2 babies are the same and what works for one doesnt work for another.

Sami_Bee

Ruby_Moon wrote: »

Cruel?
My goodness. From the times of my mother and father there must be a great deal of people roaming this Earth who you deem to be 'emotionally scarred'.
It isn't cruel. Its life. You cannot have what you want all of the time. Its no more cruel than what you are doing and that is giving attention to your daughter every time she demands it. Thats cruel!
You think the problem will get better, it won't until you address it and establish whos in control until then, your daughter will be spoilt, demanding and is likely to carry on that behaviour with everyone she meets, including teachers and authority.
Why go through years of nighttime troubles to reach a goal you could be at in one evening?
Is one night of crying cruel compared to 3 years of unrestful, disturbed sleep for you and her?
I think you got it all mixed up.

Why can't you just accept that Skinty feels it is cruel?!
She is not saying that anyone is wrong for using CC just that it's not for her as in her opinion its cruel.
Your statement above is IMO frankly ridiculous, you teach children respect and morals etc as they grow up that is when they learn that they can't do whatever they like not when they are a few months old and have absolutely no understanding of the concept!
I'm sure there are just as many spoilt brats around who's parents used CC as those that didn't

Marcheline

Well said RoxieW. By the time your child is about 12 weeks old, you should really be able to distinguish between a "need" cry and a "want" cry and act upon them accordingly.

I would not advocate leaving a child to cry no matter what, but I am definitely in favour of common sense regarding when to go to them. For instance, I tended not to leave my DD crying in the middle of the night, I would get up and breastfeed her instead. Even if I thought she wasnt hungry, I knew she would be comforted by it and so I did it.

HOWEVER, if I'd met her needs in every other way and then put her down to sleep of an evening, I would not go to her again until she had fallen asleep. Honestly, it lasted a matter of days and then she was in a routine with falling asleep and she would only wake to feed.

She was well into a routine by about 6/7 months of sleeping 7pm to 7am and she would also have a 2 hour nap from 11am to 1pm. I don't really think there is a way of doing what you're asking, unless you leave your child to cry at some point (whether that be now, when she's 6 months or 3 years old)

claireac

Ruby_Moon wrote: »

Cruel?
My goodness. From the times of my mother and father there must be a great deal of people roaming this Earth who you deem to be 'emotionally scarred'.
It isn't cruel. Its life. You cannot have what you want all of the time. Its no more cruel than what you are doing and that is giving attention to your daughter every time she demands it. Thats cruel!

I also believe it's cruel and damaging. I'm a mother to 3 aged 20, 18 and 3. So I have a lot of experience of sleeping children!

Skintchick - one thing I can assure you of is that it will get better!!

I've never done cc, I personally despise it. I've bf and co-slept with all 3 (although with the eldest 2 I'd never heard of co-sleeping!), and they've all stopped bf'ing and stayed in their own beds of their own volition.

My 3yr old goes to bed and to sleep independently now, although she comes into our 50% of the after waking for a wee (dry at night now too :j). I miss her when she's not there!! That said, she was the worst of the 3 lol. She bf to sleep constantly and refused to sleep in her cot. In the end, is deperation I used to the withdrawal method, and at no time was she allowed to be upset. With the boys, they just gradually stayed in their own beds....... no conscious decision.

At the end of the day, you have to do what you feel happy with. If it's too much as it is, then experiment until you find a method you're happy with.

Have you tried swaddling?

MrsTinks

I have to say I think I have just come across the first post of Ruby Moons I have ever actually agreed with
I don't know if what I do is CC - why? Because I have point blank refused to buy any book on how to bring my child up!
But children cry - I can easily tell the difference between my daughters "I want attention NOW" cry and "I'm actually really upset and distressed mummy" cry.
I also put her down awake almost from birth (what a wicked horrid person I am!) because I was aware that giving her triggers for sleep would be making a rod for my own back. I allowed the dummy as a trigger but we don't even need that now - haven't for a few months She grew out of that all by herself...
She has a cuddly toy that she has for bed time at night but she goes to sleep happily without it at the child minders when she's there so it's not a trigger. She wakes usually once maybe twice a night (unless she's been poorly and boy has she been poorly! but you KNOW the difference...) for a feed. I usually leave her to grumble and cry (horrid me) whilst I go and make her bottle. Once that's done I change her with as little moving her about as possible and then I feed her still laid in her cotbed. I never pick her up and cuddle her unless it's a distressed scream (and as I said - you'll KNOW the difference).

I don't think CC is cruel - provided you know how to read your childs crying. If you never let them cry though then it will be very hard to tell them apart because they learn that the slightest moan brings mummy running. It's not a matter of you training her... she already has you trained If you're happy with that then there isn't a problem. Your child - your choices on how you wish to bring them up.

I DO think it's out of order calling something cruel just because you disagree with it though... Especially when I to a degree think it's because you don't understand it. Even those doing CC would I am sure attend to a distressed cry but would know how to tell it apart from an attention or angry cry...