How do you put a baby to sleep on its own without crying?

milliebear00001

skintchick wrote: »

She is 19 weeks. I absolutely WILL NOT do controlled crying. I firmyl believe that it is cruel, and that it damages their development in terms of emotions. I don;t care how many of you it has worked for, of course it will, because they baby will eventually give up and think it is on its own and no-one cares, but I do not want my daughter thinking that. I also do not believe that a four-month-old baby is manipulating me. Yes, she knows what she wants - me - and would like to get it, but that is not manipulation, that is a need. I am happy to meet that need, hence the desire for no crying. If she needs me, she gets me, simple as that.

But I wondered how you do it otherwise?

Interestingly, two rounds of lullabies and she seems to have gone to sleep up there with no crying, which is great, but if she had cried I'd have been up there like a shot, because of my baby is upset and needs me, then she needs me and I'm going to be there for her.

I'll get off my soapbox now, but I will not countenance controlled crying because I think it works in the same way that waterboarding works - by breaking a person down.

Thanks for taking the time to comment, all the same.

This post suggests you want your 19 week old baby to get herself off to sleep alongside you not having to leave her crying alone to learn to do this. You may simply have to accept that right now the two things are not compatible! Your baby wants you at night when she wakes, you suggest you are happy to meet this need, sooo, why are you insistent she fall asleep alone and sleep in a separate bed?

We never left our first to cry while a small baby (CC not recommended for babies under 6 months anyway). We did use it when she was about 10 months and she was 'trained' (and yes, it is very much about them 'giving up' because nobody's coming) within three days, and has since, been an excellent sleeper. Our second had much less structure in his life (probably because he had to fit in around a busy toddler sister!) and slept with us from day one. Surprise, surprise, come 10 months when we tried CC to get him out of our bed, it quickly became clear that it would be a long, drawn-out, and mutually traumatic experience. We gave up CC and put him back in bed with us (got a bigger bed!) He finally went in his own bed at about 18 months and is nowhere near as good a sleeper as his sister.

I guess what I'm trying to say, is that having a baby is full of having to compromise your 'ideal' scenario. It would be OK if it was just you and your OH calling the shots - unfortunately, your baby is also an individual, and will make it very clear is her ideals differ from yours. You need to decide what is most important to you - your sleep (and possibly sanity) or your ideals about not 'leaving her to cry'. There really is no 'best way' that works for every family and every baby.

squashy

I have thrown all "sleep through" books out of the window. I am ashamed to say I did CC with my oldest daughter and I'm afraid it was a huge battle, and I spent lots of her toddlerhood resenting the fact she didn't do as she was supposed to. I love her to bits of course but I cant help feeling I missed out on allowing her to be a baby!

I do agree that it is harmful to train a baby not to cry for human contact, like they do in those awful Romanian orphanages we read horror stories about. Every natural fibre in that babies body yearns for its parent to be close by. My baby is currently snoring next to me here in bed. I breastfeed her until she is 95% asleep and then let her snuggle down and nod off. As to when we will stop? When she thinks its more fun to sleep in her sisters room instead

skintchick

milliebear - it is the health visitor who thinks I should do this so I wondered how you do it. In fact, I'm happy with what we are doing and don;t feel the feeding ehr off to sleep is in any way connected to her night wakings.

I also think that babies are individuals, some of whom sleep better than others, and that your children may have been like they are regardless of whether you had done htings differently.

I certainly believe that cosleeping is much better for young babies than being on their own, and there is research that backs this up.

I know the way I want to parent isn;t popular in general, but I do stand by it.

I'd rather not let her cry - if that means I have to lose sleep then so be it. She is more important than me at this stage, as she is so little.

tiamai_d

skintchick wrote: »

milliebear - it is the health visitor who thinks I should do this so I wondered how you do it. In fact, I'm happy with what we are doing and don;t feel the feeding ehr off to sleep is in any way connected to her night wakings.


I know the way I want to parent isn;t popular in general, but I do stand by it.

So tell your HV thanks very much but we are perfectly happy right now. She is YOUR baby, YOU are happy so don't let anyone push or pressure you into doing something you don't want to do or change something you are happy with.

As for night wakings, I'm up anything between 1-4 times a night with DS2 but can still function normally by day, you get used to it. Lots of water helps :rolleyes:

milliebear00001

skintchick wrote: »

milliebear - it is the health visitor who thinks I should do this so I wondered how you do it. In fact, I'm happy with what we are doing and don;t feel the feeding ehr off to sleep is in any way connected to her night wakings.

I also think that babies are individuals, some of whom sleep better than others, and that your children may have been like they are regardless of whether you had done htings differently.

I certainly believe that cosleeping is much better for young babies than being on their own, and there is research that backs this up.

I know the way I want to parent isn;t popular in general, but I do stand by it.

I'd rather not let her cry - if that means I have to lose sleep then so be it. She is more important than me at this stage, as she is so little.

Sounds to me like you already have your answer. Why are you worried about your HV's advice? You are her mum. Do what you think is best for you and your family.

Incidentally, I don't doubt that my children are were very different personalities from birth - astonishingly so actually. That is partly why we used different sleeping methods for them. My daughter is undoubtedly completely unscathed by the three days of CC we gave her. My son (had we persisted in it) may well have been. This is one reason why I wouldn't be hasty enough to condemn all parents using CC as somehow not making the best choice for their baby - precisely because babies are so different. My daughter was ready to sleep alone at 10 months, she just needed to know how to do it. My son, clearly was not!

I am completely sure there are many, many children around whose parents, like we did, carefully picked an appropriate time to use CC with their children, while remaining totally responsive and attentive parents during all the other waking hours in their children's lives. Allowing your older baby/toddler to realise that if they cry for company at bedtime it will not be forthcoming, is easily and completely offset by most good parents when they are utterly loving and emotionally responsive to them during the day. Most children adapt easily to this deal. Some (like my son) need longer to buy into this than others.

Ruby_Moon

skintchick wrote: »

We have reached a bit of a hiatus with the Little Lady in terms of nightsleep. I know there is a lot going on in her life right now, with growth spurts, recovering from a virus, and possibly teething, but we need to get the nightsleep a bit more sorted as she has started waking in the night for 60-90 minutes and we need it to stop!

The health visitor said that we should put her to sleep awake, so she can go to sleep on her own, but the flaw with this is that I don't know HOW to do that, and that she usually does cry!

I won't leave her to cry. Grumbling is a different matter, she does that in the pram sometimes and I know that often she stops and goes to sleep after a few minutes of it, but I won't let her proper cry.

So tonight she is all over the place with naps because she woke in the night then slept in this morning, and has therefore had her last nap pretty much just before bedtime, so when we took her up at 6pm (her chosen bedtime, she melts down if we do it any later) she suddenly perked up.

I fed her as usual, lying down, and instead of drifting off, she was wide awake. Normally I swap my nipple for my finger (she won;t take a dummy and I dont; want to force her) but she was chatting away and generally being awake, like she does at 4.30am!

So I have put on her lullabies on the baby monitor, and am now listening to her chatting to herself while eating a muslin.

When the music stops, she starts grumbling but not proper crying, so I put the music back on again. And she is quiet again.

Is this how you do it?

What do I do if it doesn't work? How do I know if it has lol. I don;t want to go in and check and silence isn't necessarily her being asleep.

I am clueless on this and don;t want to traumatise her at all, but equally we do need to get out of her needing me to sleep, as I usually have to help her nap as well, with rocking and singing, and I know she can do it on her own as she often does in the pram - just turns her head to the side, closes her eyes, and goes off.

Any tips or advice?

I know she is tired, so if she isn't crying do you just leave them to it?

And what if she does cry? I know that usually only being picked up and probably fed will stop her crying when she really gets going, so I can't do 'pick up put down' a la baby whisperer.

Its easy.
Bedtime routine...whatever that might be. Feed or milk, story and tucked up night and snuggly.
Assure yourself that baby is warm, fed, snuggly and all that.
Turn night light on.
Shut door.
Walk downstairs, don't go back in.
Crying? Ignore it. She will only do it for 3 nights tops. After that she knows she won't get picked up so won't bother.
Chances are she won't cry more than one night anyway but you aren't going to get her to sleep without some crying.

Krystaltips

:hello:Skinty!

I was just thinking about you earlier... Nothing constructive to add here... Aimee was an awful sleeper... 2 hours asleep, 2 hours awake as a baby... Caitlyn is a lot better in that respect... She can wake every 2 hours but goes off again after a quick feed... I also find she sleeps better when the room is hotter than recommended....

How do you feel about the frequent feedings now? Have they become second nature?

laurajmc

Hi

I have a DS who is a terrible sleeper so lots of experience here (he is 2yo and still a bit hit and miss)

i agree with comments about HV, from what i've heard the standard answer you will get is CC. (i got told that but never did it, not least because he has severe eczema and itches 24/7)

i personally think its a good idea to try and maintain some independant sleeping unless you are happy to co-sleep, what might not be a habit or 'prop' now may become one later on and boy does time fly. assuming you do still want to try and fix the night wakings i found the no-cry sleep solution a very good, if not quick, method. with my lo we moved on to baby whisperer as i found he needed a 'stricter' regime and none of us got any decent sleep while he was sleeping with me.

that said you do end up looking back with rose tinted glasses at the memory of long nights snuggled together and those night waking don't seem as bad as they were at the time

it is hard figuring out what kind of parenting you want to do but its sounds as though you are quite confident so i'd say do it your way and you won't go wrong

good luck

JAM1376

Hi Skinty

Nothing constructive to add except to say I agree with you. I accept everyone should do what they feel right for them but cc is not for me. Charly is only 11 weeks old but I, like you, will be hoping she learns to fall asleep by herself eventually. I'd be interested in the other forum you use? Just for a read when I feel like I'm the only one who feels the way i do...thanks.

Only thing to add - we have a video monitor (as well as a breathing one - neurotic first timers!) so we can see when she wakes/sleeps/just moans.

Good luck! xxx

HariboJunkie

milliebear00001 wrote: »

I am completely sure there are many, many children around whose parents, like we did, carefully picked an appropriate time to use CC with their children, while remaining totally responsive and attentive parents during all the other waking hours in their children's lives. .

A very sensible post. How awful if there are new mothers reading this who are trying controlled crying and see themselves repeatedly described as being cruel to their babies.