How do you put a baby to sleep on its own without crying?

skintchick

We have reached a bit of a hiatus with the Little Lady in terms of nightsleep. I know there is a lot going on in her life right now, with growth spurts, recovering from a virus, and possibly teething, but we need to get the nightsleep a bit more sorted as she has started waking in the night for 60-90 minutes and we need it to stop!

The health visitor said that we should put her to sleep awake, so she can go to sleep on her own, but the flaw with this is that I don't know HOW to do that, and that she usually does cry!

I won't leave her to cry. Grumbling is a different matter, she does that in the pram sometimes and I know that often she stops and goes to sleep after a few minutes of it, but I won't let her proper cry.

So tonight she is all over the place with naps because she woke in the night then slept in this morning, and has therefore had her last nap pretty much just before bedtime, so when we took her up at 6pm (her chosen bedtime, she melts down if we do it any later) she suddenly perked up.

I fed her as usual, lying down, and instead of drifting off, she was wide awake. Normally I swap my nipple for my finger (she won;t take a dummy and I dont; want to force her) but she was chatting away and generally being awake, like she does at 4.30am!

So I have put on her lullabies on the baby monitor, and am now listening to her chatting to herself while eating a muslin.

When the music stops, she starts grumbling but not proper crying, so I put the music back on again. And she is quiet again.

Is this how you do it?

What do I do if it doesn't work? How do I know if it has lol. I don;t want to go in and check and silence isn't necessarily her being asleep.

I am clueless on this and don;t want to traumatise her at all, but equally we do need to get out of her needing me to sleep, as I usually have to help her nap as well, with rocking and singing, and I know she can do it on her own as she often does in the pram - just turns her head to the side, closes her eyes, and goes off.

Any tips or advice?

I know she is tired, so if she isn't crying do you just leave them to it?

And what if she does cry? I know that usually only being picked up and probably fed will stop her crying when she really gets going, so I can't do 'pick up put down' a la baby whisperer.

morocha

Hi, i had a little girl that could not sleep for more than 2 hours at night.
I started feeding her at night, the last feed for over 1 hs... then will put her in bed awake... she will cry, you just to check every 10 minutes to reassure her you are there.The first days are horrible... but wait a week and you will be so pleased you allowed yourself to let her cry and taught her to sleep on her own. I won't lie here, it is horrible, but i searched info on line and learnt to do it. the lack of sleep was driving me insane
Since i have done that.. my little one learnt how to fall asleep .. so no more disturbing nights unless she was unwell of course.She is 2 and a half.. and she is great.

JBD

Skintchick, have you tried a musical mobile. Or perhaps a musical light show that plays pictures on the ceiling? [sorry not sure what the proper name is].
Some babies like to have a special blanket or cuddly toy. You could try putting her to bed with something of yours, something with your smell on.
Another approach is to consider if she is getting more hungry. You don't say how old she is, I just wondered if you had started to wean,or started to consider it.

KiKi

You're not going to like my answer, but...!

Not all babies will fall asleep without some crying!

But your health visitor is right. She has to learn to fall asleep on her own. The fact that she wakes up and won't fall back asleep suggests she doesn't know how to do that (ie, she only knows how to fall asleep in mummy's arms or when feeding, or in the pram etc).

Even if she grumbles in her cot once the music stops, you don't need to turn it back on again. Just leave her. Let her grumble or chat away. She will eventually either: a) go to sleep or b) cry. It doesn't matter if she lies there for an hour, just in silence, and not sleeping, that won't harm her.

For the latter, I am a big fan of controlled crying. However, if you will not let her cry, full stop, then it's not going to work for you. I think it's worth a try, though. Babies are very good at manipulation! If she knows you'll come running when she cries, she'll do it! It doesn't mean she's actually distressed, she just wants your attention. Even very young babies are sneakily very good at this, and if you allow it to happen, she's not going to get out of the habit and go to sleep on her own.

All babies are different at the end of the day. All you can do is put her down, and see how she reacts. But don't beat yourself up if she doesn't do that without crying - most babies do. And if you won't let her go to sleep without crying, you may be making a bit of a rod for your own back as every time she wakes up in the night she will need the music, or mummy, or feeding, or whatever, and she'll cry until she gets it because she'll know it's coming.

It's horrible having to do that discipline, but the chances are that if she is crying it's not real distress, it's attention.

Hope you get it sorted, as I'm sure the sleep deprivation isn't helping you!!

Let us know how you get on.
KiKi

jackomdj

How old is she? I think it depends upon age as to how you should approach this.

I put my LO's to bed from day one awake. When they woke for their night feeds (anything after 7 I considered a night sleep) I would go in, get them out of bed, sit on a chair in the dark (bathroom light was on so I could just about see), feed, burp, change if necessary & back to bed with no communication other than "night night, I love you, see you in the morning" when I put them back in the cot. They learnt that bed time was bed time, they got no interaction so no point in playing up.

When the eldest was about 2 she went through a stage of needing us. I would go in, tell her it was night time, give her a quick cuddle (lights out still) & say the "night night....." bit.

I think consistency is the key. Try controlled crying if LO is a little older. Night one, go in after a couple of mins, say it is night time, give a cuddle & lie her back down & say whatever your night phrase is. Do this a few times then leave it a bit longer. Do it a few times with the longer time & leave it a bit longer. After a few nights (it will probably drive you mad) LO will realise that therr is no point in crying.

The reason I was so hard & strick was way before I had children my sister used to cuddle her LO to sleep until at 10 months she wanted to start putting her down awake. She screamed so much every night for a week she made herself sick! I said to myself I would not go down that route when I had mine!

Good luck. Stay firm! HTH
Nicky

teacherandmum

have you tried baby massage? really helps to wind them down.
sounds like you are one step towards it by putting her in the cot awake and not feeding her or rocking her to sleep
good luck - perservere with it

bugsaboo

I used controlled crying with DS which worked within 3 days!
However DD was more of a madam and would cry for hours if we tried. We did a sort of "lite" version, which involved putting her in cot, leaving, when she started whimpering in earnest (but before screaming) going in, rubbing back until she calmed down, leaving again and repeating for as long as necessary. The key rule tho' was DO NOT PICK UP - the aim was to give her anough attention to stop full on screaming but not enough to reward her for being awake IYSWIM. It took longer than with DS but she is more stubborn - think it took about a month. She sleeps like a dream now though.
If your DD is teething then leaving to cry or not might not make any difference as the pain will wake her - DS woke every 30-60 mins for 6 weeks when teething (he started at 10 weeks)) and it was a killer - we were like zombies. Maybe try ibuprofen before bed and paracetamol when she first wakes and grit your teeth. On the plus side DS slept straight through again as soon as he cut his first tooth.
Good luck!

PS there is also a book called the no cry sleep solution which might help? Haven't used it myself but it might be worth a go....

skintchick

She is 19 weeks. I absolutely WILL NOT do controlled crying. I firmyl believe that it is cruel, and that it damages their development in terms of emotions. I don;t care how many of you it has worked for, of course it will, because they baby will eventually give up and think it is on its own and no-one cares, but I do not want my daughter thinking that. I also do not believe that a four-month-old baby is manipulating me. Yes, she knows what she wants - me - and would like to get it, but that is not manipulation, that is a need. I am happy to meet that need, hence the desire for no crying. If she needs me, she gets me, simple as that.

But I wondered how you do it otherwise?

Interestingly, two rounds of lullabies and she seems to have gone to sleep up there with no crying, which is great, but if she had cried I'd have been up there like a shot, because of my baby is upset and needs me, then she needs me and I'm going to be there for her.

I'll get off my soapbox now, but I will not countenance controlled crying because I think it works in the same way that waterboarding works - by breaking a person down.

Thanks for taking the time to comment, all the same.

li'l_p

Crikey - I thought I was the only one. Our 5 month old has taken to waking up at 3.45am for the past two nights and she stays awake for 1.5 hours. It's so draining as she is literally wide awake as if its the daytime and we have been used to her sleeping right through to 7/7.30am for the past few weeks.

She isn't too bad at settling though as we tend to settle her in her 'rocking' chair and we carry her, in that, to her bedroom. At 11pm I usually go in and feed & change her, and she goes into her sleeping bag and is put into her cot, where she was sleeping until 7ish in the morning.

I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone!

A few things I will suggest: I would highly recommend the sleeping bag thing, stops them kicking the covers off and being cold. Make sure the room is warm/heated up before you put her to bed. We have a rolled up blanket on either side of her - like two bolsters. I saw this ages ago on baby whisperer programme and it makes them feel 'secure' in the cot. Another thing is to make sure that the lights/sounds are dimmed as much as possible, make sure you are completely winding her down in the hour before bed (...says me who can hear OH entertaining our daughter in the other room - sorry, we're trying to keep her going a bit tonight in the hope that she will sleep through!).

Good luck!

skintchick

bugsaboo wrote: »

I used controlled crying with DS which worked within 3 days!
However DD was more of a madam and would cry for hours if we tried. We did a sort of "lite" version, which involved putting her in cot, leaving, when she started whimpering in earnest (but before screaming) going in, rubbing back until she calmed down, leaving again and repeating for as long as necessary. The key rule tho' was DO NOT PICK UP - the aim was to give her anough attention to stop full on screaming but not enough to reward her for being awake IYSWIM. It took longer than with DS but she is more stubborn - think it took about a month. She sleeps like a dream now though.
If your DD is teething then leaving to cry or not might not make any difference as the pain will wake her - DS woke every 30-60 mins for 6 weeks when teething (he started at 10 weeks)) and it was a killer - we were like zombies. Maybe try ibuprofen before bed and paracetamol when she first wakes and grit your teeth. On the plus side DS slept straight through again as soon as he cut his first tooth.
Good luck!

PS there is also a book called the no cry sleep solution which might help? Haven't used it myself but it might be worth a go....

I like to think that night work but usually once she is crying even picking her up doesn't work...

I have No Cry Sleep Solution and Baby Whisperer (and Gina Ford, actually, out of interest but with no intention of doing it) but may reread them and see what they say as she is older now and the ideas may be more applicable.

jinky67

Skinty, I know you say you are dead against it, but my ex OH would not let my DD cry herself to sleep and we had a hellish 3 years of her sleeping in our bed because he couldnt just put her down and leave her....anytime he went in, he spoke to her and picked her up:eek::mad::rolleyes: so she grew used to falling asleep with us there

Whereas my friend always put her 2 to bed awake and let them drift off on their own, only going in if they were really upset, they soon learn...her 2 have always slept through the night from a very early age and now they ask to go to bed at their natural bedtime and she doesnt hear a peep, so please dont discount it completely;):A