How do you put a baby to sleep on its own without crying?

**MissL2**

I think some people seriously need to reassess their definition of cruelty. I know cc isn't for everyone but to brand all parents that choose to go down that route as cruel is very unfair.

At 19 weeks my dd was no where near ready for routine. I'm in no means being judgemental here but I have read quite a few of the OPs posts and you have a very strong view about how you want to raise you child- so why pay that much attention to the HV re routine? That was the first piece of parenting advice I was given- "try not to take the HV's advice/ observations to heart".

What does your OH think out of interest? The only reason I ask is that I my OH couldn't bear to hear dd cry and would be in her room like lightening if she did. dd was a great sleeper until about 13 months and rarely cried and after this she turned a corner and just wouldn't go down. I bought all the books and to be honest I just confused myself with it all and went with my instincts. I really went through it with my dd especially as OH and I fought like cat and dog as to what the best course of action was. He would bring her in our bed and I believed this was the worse thing we could do. My dd loves playing with my hair (even in her sleep) and whenever she was in bed with us it was like torture having my hair constantly pulled out and she'd never settle- she'd keep sitting up wanting to play or banging her head on our bedframe which would lead to all the lights on to check she was ok. I was absolutely at the end of my tether- not one of us was getting enough sleep and it started causing friction between me and OH. OH still couldn't respect my decision to try cc- he said he wanted to but just couldn't do it. It was awful- I felt like I was fighting against both of them.

So, we both agreed that when OH went on his next trip I would do it my way. I started with bath, milk bed at the same time every night. For the first 2 nights I slept on her floor until she was asleep- I just wanted her to realise that she wasn't getting in our bed but to understand her room was a safe place and for her to get used to sleeping for a prolonged time. Then I slowly started leaving her to settle herself but staying upstairs and making normal 'mulling around' sounds so she knew I was close. At first I would go in and say sssssshhhhhhhh but then I started leaving her a little longer when she cried . It was crap and I'd sit at the door crying but by day 4 I saw vast improvement and by the time OH came back she was asleep like clockwork at 7... to say OH was impressed was an overstatement he was shocked and he always tells me know how proud he is of me as he knew it was hard (but worth it). She's now 2 and slept in her own bed for 10-12hrs every night since.

My friend has a bay the same age as dd and said she could never do cc. She now has another baby (one 23mth, one 2mth). The 23mth sleeps 7-12am then 1am-5.30am and she is breastfeeding her newborn. She is absolutely shattered.

At the end of the day we all do what we believe is best for our babies. I get really miffed at the whole if you don't do it x,y,z then you're cruel, not doing the best for your baby, crap mum etc it's like a competition with some people. Having had a newborn I would never disrespect or condemn anyones parenting choices unless they were actually cruel or abusive its bloody hard enough without other mums wagging the finger at you

Lx

elektra-2007

I wish my neighbour would read this forum, i get woken atleast twice a night by her 15 month old screaming coz he goes to sleep downstairs with parents then gets put to bed about midnight, of course he wakes up disoriantated and screams the place down, her 5 year old also does it at least once a week, as his routine is the same. It her choice how she parents her kids, and im learning to sleep thru the kids screaming but then she starts screaming at them to shut up as she is also tired and that does wake me up fully!!!
I personally put my sons cot next to my bed and reasured him when he woke but didnt pick him up when he woke and kept the room dark, i also only put him in his cot when it was sleep time, even for afternoon sleep, and i didnt have cot toys ect coz asoon as he woke in the morning or afternoon i took him out, that way he learnt the cot was for sleeping in. But everyone has to find their own method thats right for them.

SarahNeedle1872

skintchick wrote: »

We have reached a bit of a hiatus with the Little Lady in terms of nightsleep. I know there is a lot going on in her life right now, with growth spurts, recovering from a virus, and possibly teething, but we need to get the nightsleep a bit more sorted as she has started waking in the night for 60-90 minutes and we need it to stop!

The health visitor said that we should put her to sleep awake, so she can go to sleep on her own, but the flaw with this is that I don't know HOW to do that, and that she usually does cry!

I won't leave her to cry. Grumbling is a different matter, she does that in the pram sometimes and I know that often she stops and goes to sleep after a few minutes of it, but I won't let her proper cry.

So tonight she is all over the place with naps because she woke in the night then slept in this morning, and has therefore had her last nap pretty much just before bedtime, so when we took her up at 6pm (her chosen bedtime, she melts down if we do it any later) she suddenly perked up.

I fed her as usual, lying down, and instead of drifting off, she was wide awake. Normally I swap my nipple for my finger (she won;t take a dummy and I dont; want to force her) but she was chatting away and generally being awake, like she does at 4.30am!

So I have put on her lullabies on the baby monitor, and am now listening to her chatting to herself while eating a muslin.

When the music stops, she starts grumbling but not proper crying, so I put the music back on again. And she is quiet again.

Is this how you do it?

What do I do if it doesn't work? How do I know if it has lol. I don;t want to go in and check and silence isn't necessarily her being asleep.

I am clueless on this and don;t want to traumatise her at all, but equally we do need to get out of her needing me to sleep, as I usually have to help her nap as well, with rocking and singing, and I know she can do it on her own as she often does in the pram - just turns her head to the side, closes her eyes, and goes off.

Any tips or advice?

I know she is tired, so if she isn't crying do you just leave them to it?

And what if she does cry? I know that usually only being picked up and probably fed will stop her crying when she really gets going, so I can't do 'pick up put down' a la baby whisperer.

Have just read the thread from the beginning and wondered how you we getting on??

I couldn't really comment on the sleeping issue because DS was an excellent sleeper, and at 2 1/2 still is (although he did decide tonight that he wants to sleep in our bed!)... I bf exclusively til 3mths when I had to start supplementing with one bottle, by then he was sleeping from 11-7 without waking, and now sleeps 10-12 hrs straight through

Anyway, I hope it is going ok and you're both getting a bit of sleep

Sx

superflygal

Th OP said on the last page that she wasn't going to read this thread anymore.

SFG x

SarahNeedle1872

superflygal wrote: »

Th OP said on the last page that she wasn't going to read this thread anymore.

SFG x

Well that'll teach me for reading too fast won't it!:rotfl:

Thanks

Sx

onlyroz

OK I haven't read the whole thread but I'll write what worked with my son, who was a s*d to get to sleep until he was about 8 months old. I used to pick him up, but as soon as he was calm I'd put him down again. Then I'd pick him up when he started howling, but put him down as soon as he was calm. Repeat x100 until he settled for sleep.

I think in the earlier months I should have been a bit stricter - I'd rock him to sleep which definitely wasn't a good idea long term, but at the time we lived in a small flat and his cot was in our bedroom - so it just wasn't practical to leave him to cry when he woke up in the middle of the night.

He also went through a phase, around age 3, where he'd wake at about 3 am howling for us. That was far more stressful than anything he'd done as a baby, and required weeks of bribery (a sleep chart including promises of sweets and toys) before he'd go back to staying quietly in his room all night.

My daughter has been much more amenable. With her I have always been able to put her into the cot awake and just walk away. She'll stand up and coo for us, but rarely cries, and eventually lies down and goes to sleep on her own.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Not that the OP will read this, but if anyone else is reading is having the broken nights catching up on them, don't pin all your hopes on one prescriptive method of childcare. (much like one predetermined method of childbirth - it doesn't always happen like in the books)

Deciding in advance that 'this' is how life is going to be, and anything deviating from this is barbaric/child cruelty/uneducated nonsense/whatever is a good way to set yourself up for performance related anxiety - or a child from H*ll that the other kids at school actively avoid in future years.

If you don't want a baby to cry, buy a plastic one. Crying is what babies do. If you decide that a crying baby is the sign of an inadequate mother, what happens when yours suddenly starts crying all the time, isn't sick, isn't hungry, isn't teething, even when attached to a blistered set of nipples for 23 hours of the day? How do you confide in or ask for help from other mums at baby yoga/HV clinics if you've been making judgements about everyone else in previous weeks? And what if the OH turns round as criticises you because you're 'obviously doing something wrong or the baby wouldn't be crying'?

Now - some babies actually sleep better next to mum rather than in with her. Perhaps because they get too hot? Whether in bed or in the cot, they may not need hugging, maybe laying beside with a hand on their side/bottom for some of the time. Baby can watch mum's face, have a chat, and mum can watch baby fall asleep (which is lovely). If crying starts, stroke cheeks, talk, then only pick up when the other things haven't helped and babe is revving up for a proper one. Some also find night lights, light shows, dancing pandas or whatever as irritations and just want to be left alone to sleep. The bedcover kickers tend to be in this category - and some actually prefer having either an all in one sleepsuit, some prefer having their toes free. (most adults don't sleep with their socks on, after all)

A gentle thing to do is when they start with the little squawking noise, take a deep, calm breath and count to 5 before getting up to see to them. Sometimes it isn't actually a cry, it's just a noise that pops out and is then gone as they go back to sleep. Then count to 6, 7 , 8, etc. Eventually you will become able to stop and listen and see whether it is a proper 'I need you' or not. Baby knows you will come, but doesn't notice an extra second here or there.

And for those who are faced with someone who is just yelling and yelling and there is nothing you can do to make it better, and you are getting frustrated and panicky and maybe angry:

Lay baby down safely in the cot. Go to the door, go through the door, close the door and go and put the kettle on. Return to baby, check if anything helps this time. If not and the feelings well up again, lay babe back down, go back to kitchen and make the cuppa. Return to baby. Repeat process until baby calms down and/or you do.

Contrary to beliefs, babies do not get damaged by 90 seconds of crying. Babies are damaged by mums who are overwhelmed by exhaustion and following rules made largely by women who have never had a baby in their life, making it hard to relax and enjoy their baby.

Whilst it is wonderful for a tiny baby to relax and only sleep when Mummy is there (thus making Mummy feel special and needed), it's a different matter when it is keeping a 7 year old awake on a school night, or when the baby is now 10 and keeping the rest of the class awake on their school trip because they are whimpering for mummy to hold their hand whilst they sleep or that the dorm room light has to be on all night.

Then there are babies that are perfect, never cry and are the poster children for the books. Their parents aren't posting for advice, because everything's perfect and they are happy with how things are. Good on them. As long as they don't make other new mums feel like lesser humans for having babies that do cry, then they are more than welcome to enjoy their lovely life with their lovely children.

Normally, though, the first baby is the one who has the formal proscribed attachment parenting. Subsequent babies have the modified version. It's often called real life parenting and it is more forgiving of the mum, in particular.

But, I must admit - I never met a useful health visitor. So I think it is normal to actively dislike them. Perhaps they should be taught that sounding condescending and overcritical never endears them to the mums.

Iheart2poundcoins

Sorry I havnt read all this thread, but sounds like your baby is having a growth spurt period. Around 4 months they can eally change for a while - become needy, teary and do wake up at night more as for some there is no filling them, but they do grow out of it.
I'll put my baby to bed and will lie on the bed next to her for a while to see if she'll go to sleep - if she isnt I'll say night night and go out for just a few minuites then back again so she knows I will come back - sit a while and go out again, usually by the 3rd time she's got bored and gone to sleep.
If she was crying I wouldnt leave her for a second - I never have from day one (as it does my head in as well if I am honest.) I'd rather spend the time comforting her - as a result I've got a baby that 95% of the time is no bother and very happy.
I wouldnt say demanding either, just secure.
If she wakes up in the night I'm afraid I pretend to be asleep these days! She is fine with that and drifts back off but if she knows I am awake she'll want something.

She also drifts off better lying on her side.

Blankets are no good as she klicks them off, gets cold and isnt happy - so I use bags.

Anyway, good luck - it wont be forever!!! xx

poppyolivia

My wee man used to cry through the night (including putting him down), we would go in, doing all the hush hush hush business.....a point in my life came where I just couldn't take it anymore, I was a walking zombie .... controlled crying was the only way to go.... trust me it came to the point in WASN'T a need it was a want!....had it done and dusted in less that a wk!..best thing I ever did!...and no he isn't a damaged child!lol.

There is NO right way or wrong way to it, you do what works for your child and thats basically it!

poppyolivia

superflygal wrote: »

Th OP said on the last page that she wasn't going to read this thread anymore.

SFG x

damn...I should have read the whole thread but it was boring me!!!lol

controlled crying all the way...wooooopaaaaa!!!.....only kidding!!!!:rotfl: