Grandparents I need your opinion.....

candygirl

shellsuit wrote: »

I see your point and I'm sorry, it was just the first thing that popped into my head. If it were a child, I'd think 'spoilt brat'. With it being a woman, I think 'spoilt cow', so seeing as she is acting like a child, let's say spoilt brat then.



See, you're like my Dad. He offers anything and everything to me and his Grandchildren. He would baby sit every night of the week if I asked him.

If the kids asked him for £100, he would give it to them.

I only ask him to babysit once in a blue moon. Infact I think the last time he babysat was about 3 months ago, and that was only when we went to the cinema.

I don't ask him for money, even though I know he would say Yes.

I don't take the pish with him. I appreciate everything he does and offers and know he has his own life.

Your daughter needs to start appreciating what she has, ie you.

It makes me feel angry and sad that it seems she doesn't give a fig about you and your feelings.

She really doesn't care about me, and i've known it for ages, but she is a very selfish person:o
I'm feeling sad still, but much better about the whole thing, as this thread has made me realise i'm not in the wrong, as I have a bad habit of always feeling guilty where she is concerned:(

shellsuit

candygirl wrote: »

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She really doesn't care about me, and i've known it for ages, but she is a very selfish person:o
I'm feeling sad still, but much better about the whole thing, as this thread has made me realise i'm not in the wrong, as I have a bad habit of always feeling guilty where she is concerned:(

No, you're not in the wrong at all and it's awfully sad that you even thought that in the first place

Now if she asks if you will have your GD, you won't say No, because if you do, you know she might stop you seeing her.

I'd have words with your daughter and ask her how she would feel if when her daughter grows up, she treated her, the same way your daughter treats you.

I hope your daughter comes to her senses soon and sees just what a lovely Mum she has! x

paddy's_mum

This is nothing whatever to do with grandchildren, or hours available, or you having your own life, or a new kitchen, is it?

It is everything to do with you never having been willing or able to put a stop to the manipulative, and now spiteful, behaviour of your daughter towards you. By your own comments, she has had a lifetime of getting her own way. You may have protested but you have never actually refused to accept her poor conduct. You have actively taught her that there is little she can do that will provoke you to say "the line is drawn here"! This isn't going to come to an end until you do.

Can you not see that she is quite cunning and manipulative enough to use your love for her and her child against you? I agree with an earlier poster who said, in effect, that you either summon up all your courage and put a stop to it or else accept that this is the way it is going to be forever.

What will be the situation if another ten years pass and there are two more grandchildren born and needing to be looked after? What might be your burden then if you don't find the mettle to dig in your heels and insist on being treated with, at the very least, basic consideration and courtesy.

Not a happy situation, and I feel for your hurt, but the remedy truly rests only in your own hands. Good luck.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

I have an idea-it needs your mother's agreement though, because it will work best if she joins in;

There may be a pause in the abuse if you ask clearly 'So, who have you arranged to pay to look after your baby whilst you are at college and going out every weekend, now you don't appear to want me to do it any more?'.

The reply might be lots of rude words

'But if you actually wanted me to keep looking after her at all, surely you wouldn't be stamping your feet and calling me names, darling. It's a terrible shame, especially as it is so hard for a single mum to find the money to pay the fees, and you hear all those scare stories about little ones getting hurt, but I am sure you must have found someone you can trust with her if you are being so rude to me.'

She'll probably huff and puff about nobody else being able to look after her.

'Well, I think it's very brave of you to decide that you will never be going out again. If I were you, I would be so upset, especially with a new boyfriend and Christmas coming up. Such a shame, when a few better manners would have prevented this'

'Oh no, I'm not saying I don't want to see her, dear. It will just have to be with you here, too, otherwise I would be looking after her, and you don't want me to do that any more'

She then phones Nanny and pretends to be poor picked on little girl.

Nanny: I hear you've decided that you aren't going to go out until she's grown up. Well, that's so responsible of you. Oh no, dear, I'm out that evening, I'm going out with your Mum. Oh dear, I'm out that day too. Maybe the person you've got to do all your childcare would be able to help, if you can afford it?'

Lots of shouting and huffing

Phones you to shout

'Hello dear, how lovely to hear from you...no, I'm sorry dear, I can't hear you, there seems to be a problem with your phone' [hangs up]

Rings again

'Hello? No - there's still something wrong with the line, all I can hear is lots of nasty words. Perhaps if you were to try again later?' [hangs up again]

If she really wants to threaten taking the little one away,

'so would that be before or after I've gone shopping for the Christmas presents?'

the chances are she'll do it just after Christmas/New Year, when the parties are finished. Too much to lose otherwise.

candygirl

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

I have an idea-it needs your mother's agreement though, because it will work best if she joins in;

There may be a pause in the abuse if you ask clearly 'So, who have you arranged to pay to look after your baby whilst you are at college and going out every weekend, now you don't appear to want me to do it any more?'.

The reply might be lots of rude words

'But if you actually wanted me to keep looking after her at all, surely you wouldn't be stamping your feet and calling me names, darling. It's a terrible shame, especially as it is so hard for a single mum to find the money to pay the fees, and you hear all those scare stories about little ones getting hurt, but I am sure you must have found someone you can trust with her if you are being so rude to me.'

She'll probably huff and puff about nobody else being able to look after her.

'Well, I think it's very brave of you to decide that you will never be going out again. If I were you, I would be so upset, especially with a new boyfriend and Christmas coming up. Such a shame, when a few better manners would have prevented this'

'Oh no, I'm not saying I don't want to see her, dear. It will just have to be with you here, too, otherwise I would be looking after her, and you don't want me to do that any more'

She then phones Nanny and pretends to be poor picked on little girl.

Nanny: I hear you've decided that you aren't going to go out until she's grown up. Well, that's so responsible of you. Oh no, dear, I'm out that evening, I'm going out with your Mum. Oh dear, I'm out that day too. Maybe the person you've got to do all your childcare would be able to help, if you can afford it?'

Lots of shouting and huffing

Phones you to shout

'Hello dear, how lovely to hear from you...no, I'm sorry dear, I can't hear you, there seems to be a problem with your phone' [hangs up]

Rings again

'Hello? No - there's still something wrong with the line, all I can hear is lots of nasty words. Perhaps if you were to try again later?' [hangs up again]

If she really wants to threaten taking the little one away,

'so would that be before or after I've gone shopping for the Christmas presents?'

the chances are she'll do it just after Christmas/New Year, when the parties are finished. Too much to lose otherwise.

:T:T:T:T:T:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:excellent advice, i'll try this one;)and PADDYS MUM I have had DGD today, and when she was picked up DD was being kind of reasonable, so think the little talk I had with her yesterday might have sunk in a bit.She is like Jekyll and Hyde though, in fact just like her Dad, although I'd never say this to her;)

RAS

candygirl wrote: »

Tonight I got further insults texts in the "selfish and lazy" vein, and my Mum was babysitting for DGD.DD rang and asked if I could get her and have her overnight, so I have done.

It sounds to me like you need to separate two things out.

1. A basic understanding of when you can child-mind your GD so that you DD can attend college, and the circumstances when you might have to renege on that agreement. You need to make it explicit that if you are ill it is actually inappropriate for you to care for a small child and she needs to have emergency cover.

2. Any additional but purely optional (on individual request) out of hours baby-sitting that you might do.

3. The manner in which you have been spoken to in the last week, which is completely unacceptable.

Whilst you may not be seeking gratitude, you are entitled to expect to be treated with at least as much curtesy as someone providing a paid service. IN practice a good many of those would have told your DD to take a hike and none would take a sick child.

thorsoak

May I add a comment? I don't think I've contributed much to this forum (in fact only discovered it a couple of weeks ago!)

One thought keeps coming to me "no-one can make you feel inferiour without your permission". Candymum, it would appear that you have done everything possible for your rather ungrateful daughter - and unless things change soon - and for the better - you will be assisting in the upbringing of an ungrateful grand-daughter!

I agree with the others - its time for you to lay down the rules - your daughter knows that she is onto a good thing and will threaten plenty but I doubt that she would carry any of the threats out - she knows that you always capitulate - time to change - and good luck.

consultant31

kittie wrote: »

grandparents have legal rights to see their grandchildren, so call her bluff and put your foot down and also get yourself taken off fb.

Sadly this isn't so - grandparents can apply for the right to see their grandchildren, but may not always get it.

OP, I'm a fairly new, and very proud Nanna (my only GC is 14 months old). I love children and couldn't wait to be a Nanna, but I always told my daughters that they hadn't better expect me to babysit every day while they went to work.

I had 3 children of my own and made lots of sacrifices for them as we struggled for money way back then.....I've done my share and have no intention of doing it again.

I reckon I've earned the right to a bit of 'me' time where I can go out with OH or a friend and not have to keep clock-watching for picking up from school etc.

I'm here at night for any baby-sitting duties and the occasional weekend but not 9-5 Monday to Friday (shudder!).

I'm glad things are looking a little rosier, but as someone else said, the remedy is in your hands - don't let her get away with treating you badly. Much as you love your GD, your DD has to toe the line

tandraig

just to echo what thorsoak said - was thinking earlier (i do think about you all even when not on forum) I do hope you dont end up with a DGD exactly like her mum! while it may be an exquisite payback for your daughter you dont really deserve a selfish spoiled DGD too!

candygirl - I know exactly how you feel - I end up doing more babysitting than i really want to - but hate saying no! but this last summer they took the pee so often i rebelled!!! realised I wasnt being the loving mum and nan I thought i was being - I was being a doormat! now - babysitting is on my terms - I AM ASKED to babysit - not told child wants sleepover and what time they dropping them off! in fact i mark it on calendar and they have to book me at least a week in advance.
losing my temper worked!!! it shocked them so much they HAD to rethink their attitude - cos they know if i say something i mean it.
try it hun when next she takes the pee!

candygirl

tandraig wrote: »

just to echo what thorsoak said - was thinking earlier (i do think about you all even when not on forum) I do hope you dont end up with a DGD exactly like her mum! while it may be an exquisite payback for your daughter you dont really deserve a selfish spoiled DGD too!

candygirl - I know exactly how you feel - I end up doing more babysitting than i really want to - but hate saying no! but this last summer they took the pee so often i rebelled!!! realised I wasnt being the loving mum and nan I thought i was being - I was being a doormat! now - babysitting is on my terms - I AM ASKED to babysit - not told child wants sleepover and what time they dropping them off! in fact i mark it on calendar and they have to book me at least a week in advance.
losing my temper worked!!! it shocked them so much they HAD to rethink their attitude - cos they know if i say something i mean it.
try it hun when next she takes the pee!

Omg perish the thought:eek::eek:I'll try and make sure she isn't, but tbh DD was a little angel until the age of 11 then......:eek::eek::eek:
She is very polite and well mannered to everyone except me:o, so I know it's cos i've let her get away with far too much:rolleyes:
I am going to try the firm but fair approach from now on.The college days I will always babysit, but weekend nights, I will do when I want to, and no more;)
Thanks again for all your support everyone xx:A