Grandparents I need your opinion.....

edited 31 March 2011 at 10:43AM in Marriage, Relationships & Families
139 replies 17.2K views
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  • jackiebjackieb Forumite
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    Tell your daughter that you love them both but you won't be treated like that. Tell her that you like having your granddaughter and you want to help her out when you can but there'll be sometimes that you can't and you shouldn't be made to feel bad for that.

    I wouldn't reply on FB as that would just make you seem as petty as her. xx
  • Jo_R_2Jo_R_2 Forumite
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    I'm wondering if she *really* would stop you seeing DGD? Obviously you know her best, but considering her reliance on your help, would she actually go through with it?

    Speaking from an alternative perspective. I heavily rely on my parents with my children (3, DDs aged 5 and 3 and baby aged 8 months.) Not as much as I used to - in fact thinking about it not that much at all compared to the past but they are definitely more involved in DDs' life than their dad. DDs stay over with my parents every other weekend, the arrangement is a regular every-other-Saturday one but more often than not they stay the Friday as well.

    This stems from when my ex left and they helped me out a lot, more since I suffered with severe depression subsequently and often had to call on them at short notice when I was struggling. Without their help I don't know where I would have been or how I'd be now:confused:

    Since then I relied on them for 'respite'. I never asked them with the intention of living it up by any means; but for me I did find it hard and knowing they were there pretty much all of the time did mean I'd usually ask them first. Maybe your daughter even though she's with someone else finds she still needs that 'respite' time? Maybe she finds it hard and hasn't articulated this?

    I'm not excusing her behaviour however (which is appalling) but trying to get behind it iyswim?

    I must admit there have been a handful of times I have arranged things and had to back out because they couldn't help out and no one else could - yes I was disappointed but understood. What she is lacking is some respect for you - I'd take the short and sweet approach, but definitely address it, take the upper hand and tell her you want her to come round for a chat and take control.

    Explain that you love looking after DGD, and are happy to care for her whilst DD goes to college and maybe a night at the weekend, or when it is convenient for you (or whatever your preference is.) However you do have a life and would appreciate it if DD realised this as it is not her place to dictate when you have DGD.

    Finish with you will of course be happy to continue looking after DGD but will not tolerate being taken for granted, and expect to be asked, not for it to be assumed that you will have DGD when DD needs it. Stick to it and if it isn't convenient be short but clear - ie a "sorry I'd love to normally but I have something on that night, maybe next week?" or similar? HOw would that go down do you think?
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  • kegg_2kegg_2 Forumite
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    I would call her bluff as you cant let her treat you as a doormat.

    Do you want your grandchild to grow up seeing her mum treat you like that and so think that is an acceptable way to behave?

    She has alot to lose if she does carry though with the threat and i bet within a couple of days she will be back.
    Sounds like your daughter still has a lot of growing up to do.
  • Money_makerMoney_maker Forumite
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    Sounds like she has you over a barrel - sorry, but she is a very childish, spoilt little brat. I lost my mother some time ago and would love to have had her to help me over the years, not to dump my lot on her but to have shared the delights.

    MIL and FIL get SIL and her brood every weekend - mostly so SIL can spend most of the day sleeping whilst MIL does everything for her kids. She also gets no appreciation and is expected to travel up to SIL's house midweek at the drop of a hat if the childminder is unavailable.

    I think your DD has more to lose than you do, an 8 month old can be very trying and she will need the support whether she wants to 'punish' you or not. A talk would very definately be in order and perhaps find out why she is so angry at you and needing to go out so often. Her daughter is the most precious thing she has, about time she realised it rather than dumping her on others, especially when ill.
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  • Kaz2904Kaz2904 Forumite
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    My MiL always doesn't work during school holidays. From when my nephew was born she has gone round 1 night a week. I had DD 4 months later. On DD's 3rd birthday I got my diary out to arrange when she was going to come and see my 2 because she never did and always blamed my shifts (my SiL didn't work). I then had to leave the room because the phone rang and SiL said MiL made some comment about me having to get my diary out because she (MiL) was so unreliable. Apparently this was met by an uncomfortable silence all round.
    As my 2 got older she started saying that she would take them out for a day in the holidays. I was really chuffed when she said this because I work full time nights and din't have child care. When it came down to it though sh decided that she would take DD and nephew together (for an hour or two). She would then promise to take DS out another day.
    This always resulted in me having a howling child at home until the other returned and if I made any remark to DH he said she was trying to help out. MiL used to tell everyone how she helped me out with the kids etc. After a few times I decided not to let her do it. Espescially when she didn't take DS out one week after she'd told him she would. Eventually she realised that she should take them together if at all. Then she would say she'd have them for a whole day so I could sleep. It would end up being the only day that I wasn't needing to sleep because she was looking after my nephew (and now niece) on the other days.
    This year just before easter I decided to try and get it sorted in a way that actually benefitted me and the kids. That way they would actually get to spend a day with me where I wasn't exhausted. So a couple of weeks before the holidays I asked her if she was wanting to spend any time with them over the hols because I knew she liked to do that, it was just that I needed to book them in some childcare sessions and wanted to have a day out with them myself. Since then, over the holidays she has had them one day after I've done a night or even when I've done a long day (same amount of time for her cause DH picks them up at tea time). She is happy, they are happy and I'm happy because I get to do some fun stuff with them too.

    My SiL is starting work again after 9 years at home. She will be going back full time. She is going to ask MiL (not her Mum) to swap her day for visiting as MiL has just cut her working days to 4 days a week. So SiL is going to ask MiL to pick her 2 up that day so that they can save some money. Cheeky mare. I'll be really cheesed off if MiL does it, she's helped them out non stop since nephew was born, had him while they've been away for weekends etc. DH and I have just struggled through and sorted our own childcare until this year. GRRRRR!
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  • scrimpingbadgerscrimpingbadger Forumite
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    My son is school age now but when he was younger I paid my MIL to look after him during the day. That way I didn't feel bad about asking. It worked well. They have a wonderful relationship.
    On the few occasions we go out in the evening she calls them 'freebies'. She also looks after him for a weekend once a year.
    I wouldn't trust anyone to look after him so well.

    Maybe started invoicing her? Not sure what the going rate is anymore though...
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Forumite
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    grandparents have legal rights to see their grandchildren, so call her bluff and put your foot down and also get yourself taken off fb.

    What she is doing to you on fb is very degrading so why put up with it? Is this how you brought her up? I doubt it somehow, but she is now testing the boundaries. The ball is in your court and the first `no` is the hardest
  • ailuro2ailuro2 Forumite
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    Show your mother the facebook stuff - agree to go on strike - then tell DD you're BOTH on strike till she improves her attitude - a couple of weeks with no Saturday night out will bring her to your door, I suspect.

    And I know it's not the first time this has been said, but



    STOP BEING A DOORMAT


    OK you may have let her wipe her feet on you for the past 22 years, but it's not too late to put a stop to it.

    Do it now while your DGD is too young to be used as a verbal weapon, she will not remember the fortnight when she was 9 months old that she didn't see her Grans.

    Also, remember it's coming up to Christmas, if your DD is that shallow she'll make up with you by then to get her presents.;)

    Be firm and fair and she might grow some respect for you.

    Good Luck:D
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  • aliasojoaliasojo Forumite
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    ailuro2 wrote: »
    Be firm and fair and she might grow some respect for you.

    Only way to get it imo.

    You cannot reason people into showing respect, they need to come to the realisation that their behaviour isn't right, all by themselves. If you continue going along the same way, what is going to change for her? Nothing. She is selfish and spoilt and has been for some time so she's not all of a sudden going to turn over a new leaf and be nice just because you and her have a wee chat.

    She needs to experience what the alternative is, but that means you being brave enough to go through with not seeing your GD if that's what it takes, in order to get a better outcome in the long run.

    Just as a wee aside, I don't think you're doing your daughter any favours letting her continue to act in such a spoilt selfish way. She's not going to be a star attraction on anyone else's wishlist is she? She may find her relationships with others more problematic simply because she's demanding and not used to being fair and balanced.

    Good luck, I realise you must feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. It's only you that can instigate change though.
    Herman - MP for all! :)
  • aliasojoaliasojo Forumite
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    candygirl wrote: »
    BTW she did ring and give me verbal abuse, as well as text it too:mad:

    Just curious, but what was your reaction to this? You're telling us what she says and does but you're not mentioning what your reaction back to her is. I'm wondering what your side of the conversation or texts would be like from her pov, iyswim.
    Herman - MP for all! :)
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