Grandparents I need your opinion.....

edited 31 March 2011 at 10:43AM in Marriage, Relationships & Families
139 replies 17.2K views
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  • jackomdjjackomdj Forumite
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    Are you a friend of hers on facebook? If so she will know you will read it & is probably looking for a reaction from you.

    I have 2 young children & we do not live local to either set of grandparents. We have only ever asked my parents to look after the girls a few times when we have been back to where I grew up & been invited out by old friends. My Mum has my sisters childern on an adhoc regular basis. By that I mean at least once a week but not a fixed day or reason, she may need to go shopping or do some housework etc. However in her opinion my Mum never does anything for her. I think sometimes when people do things constantly for others it becomes expected.

    Good luck with finding a solution & if you do let us know as I am sure it would help my parents too!
  • Penny-Pincher!!Penny-Pincher!! Forumite
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    Her child....her responsibility!

    Sorry, no sympathy from me. I am 35 and have a 15yr DD, we have NEVER assumed someone else would look after her and TBH, she was babysat as a baby no more than 10 times. OH & I were 20 when we had her, but we knew that we had to put her as priority. Neither grandparents have ever looked after her overnight and would never ask.

    Sounds like you have been too soft and she has taken advantage of this.

    I dont understand why grandparents put up with this. Dont you deserve a life too????

    Sorry if I sound harsh, but I think she is taking the P*ss.

    I HATE Facebook with a passion. Just another ploy for people to waste more of their time away from friends and family. Sounds like she is a baby herself and needs to grow up.

    PP
    xx
    To repeat what others have said, requires education, to challenge it,
    requires brains!
    FEB GC/DIESEL £200/4 WEEKS
  • tandraigtandraig Forumite
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    hi candygirl - I have 6 grandchildren and often have them for weekend sleepovers and also mind my youngest grandson for his mum (my sons partner) to work part-time. that accounts for about 15 hours a week. then there are the sleepovers between DD her daughter usually has sleepover once a month her son less often as he stays with his dad on weekends. then there is youngest son - his twin girls want a sleepover EVERY weekend - which i just wont do - they get one every other weekend and their baby sister only occasionally if both parents going out. i counted the hours and i average between 30 and 60 hours a week babysitting!
    while i love the kids and love having them - I have learned that I need to say no more often - so in last couple of months have made sure that i get one weekend off.
    Yes the kids objected - but i pointed out how many hours i was babysitting for them and asked if they would like to pay out that amount in childminder fees. also it is done as a FAVOUR to them so its not really up to them to dictate hours to me.
    My OH tells me I am too soft so I get flack from him too. from now on I will (apart from the one whose mum works) decide who stays over and how long they stay. I need a life too - besides which I am disabled and not getting any younger - the kids exhaust me! oh dear this has turned into a rant with no advice to op - so here goes OP - my advice
    put your foot down! tell her that you will carry on minding grandchild for her to attend college - but for evenings out etc - she will have to make other arrangements as you are tired from minding during the day and need to recuperate. and to refrain from posting on fb about you - if she does it again she will need to make other arrangements for childminding as you wont be humiliated like that.
  • Penny-Pincher!!Penny-Pincher!! Forumite
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    I have just read back over my post and I didnt mean it too sound so rude....sorry.

    You sound like a great grandmother, but please dont feel bad for saying the occasional NO!

    PP
    xx
    To repeat what others have said, requires education, to challenge it,
    requires brains!
    FEB GC/DIESEL £200/4 WEEKS
  • I hope one day to be the sort of grandparent that loves having my grandkids over. I don't think I will view it as being some sort of obligation as I think the wonderful thing about kids is that you get to do many fun things such as baking, painting, getting to watch all the Disney movies, playing make believe silly games etc etc., even though I'm sure it's exhausting at times.

    I feel a bit sad when I see some people saying that parents choose to have children and they should take 24/7 care of them. Surely being a supportive and interested grandparent means that sometimes you can step in to give your own kids timeout, and also you get that precious time with your own grand kids.

    Grand parents should not be treated like unpaid child minders nor should they forget that they can get a tremendous amount of pleasure from their grand children. As my Mum says, all of the pleasure and when they've worn you out, they go home, you tidy up and it stays that way!

    To the OP - it sounds like you have been a great Mum and Gran so far, but it's easy to be taken for granted. What your daughter did sounds very hurtful and I think you need to have a long conversation about what both your expectations of your role as a Gran and hers as a Mum are. Perhaps she needs to realise you're a person as well as a Mum and Gran.
  • jenhugjenhug Forumite
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    i'd be furious if someone said that about me, especially my own child. You didn't make her have a child, its not your responsibility to look after it either.
  • peliroccopelirocco Forumite
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    I hope one day to be the sort of grandparent that loves having my grandkids over. I don't think I will view it as being some sort of obligation as I think the wonderful thing about kids is that you get to do many fun things such as baking, painting, getting to watch all the Disney movies, playing make believe silly games etc etc., even though I'm sure it's exhausting at times.

    I feel a bit sad when I see some people saying that parents choose to have children and they should take 24/7 care of them. Surely being a supportive and interested grandparent means that sometimes you can step in to give your own kids timeout, and also you get that precious time with your own grand kids.

    Grand parents should not be treated like unpaid child minders nor should they forget that they can get a tremendous amount of pleasure from their grand children. As my Mum says, all of the pleasure and when they've worn you out, they go home, you tidy up and it stays that way!

    To the OP - it sounds like you have been a great Mum and Gran so far, but it's easy to be taken for granted. What your daughter did sounds very hurtful and I think you need to have a long conversation about what both your expectations of your role as a Gran and hers as a Mum are. Perhaps she needs to realise you're a person as well as a Mum and Gran.


    Most grandparents work full time . My mum rarely baby sat for me and I never felt she should have ,she worked full time and had some pretty tough years and by the time I had my children she was just begining to live her life as she should have ,and my children never ''suffered ''because of it .My daughter doesnt like asking me because she thinks she would be imposing but we do babysit and take them out for days .I would hate to be expected to babysit on demand ,and I wont
    Vuja De - the feeling you'll be here later
  • I too hate FB with a passion. People post on there in haste and maybe repent at leisure, and if they don't they often should.

    Your DD is extremely luck that she has your support, or rather had your support. If it was me she would know how upset I was and how far out of line she is. No more sitting for anything till she acknowledges she is in the wrong.
  • scrimpingbadgerscrimpingbadger Forumite
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    I don't think I'd be leaving my 8 month old if she were ill - whatever my plans were.

    Who would?
  • I have a 17 month old DD and whilst my mum and step dad love to see her (we go and visit at least 4 times a week) and play with her etc, they don't like to baby sit when she is asleep as they don't get the fun of playing, and also they don't want to sit in my house while I'm out. That is completely fair enough, I don't harbour ANY grudges about this. I see the enjoyment they get from seeing DD and the love they have for her. I also know that if we were stuck they would babysit but as I know they don't really like to I never ask them. DD has stayed at their house once, but I was about in the evening, gave her tea, put her to bed- went out for a few hours then came and stayed at my mums too. I know they won't mind having her to stay when she is bigger (I don't like to leave her overnight yet) as they are usually in of an evening but by then baby no. 2 will be here so I won't get a night off :D

    I think it is lovely how much you have helped your DD, and she is def taking advantage. Like somebody else suggested maybe write an email, point out that while you don't mind having DGD while she is at college, and when it suits you for evenings out, you will not be dictated to, and that it really hurt you to read the insults she put on FB. ALso point out how much she would have to pay for anyone else to mind her. I think in hindsight she will feel bad for writing that.
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