What would you do please?

saveallmymoney

He needs to have more girlfriends and learn how to do all this like we all did when we were in our teens / 20's.

I don't think you "teaching" him is going to work.

BlondeHeadOn

To be honest, you first post in this thread starting warning bells ringing all over the place for me. A bloke who still lives with his parents at 34, is a virgin and has intimacy issues....?...?....

And then the further detail about his father being inappropriate with you - why the hell is you bf still living in the same house as his dad if his dad is groping you? (And why was he not not punching his dad on the nose when he started to abuse you?....)

I get a strong sense that the 'not kissing' is just the tip of a very large and problematic iceberg.

I would walk away. Honestly, men are much much harder to change then women often think(!), and this 'relationship' could go on for years and years not giving you what you want and need. Ask yourself how many years you can go on like this? 1 year? 5 years? 10 years?

Sorry to be so blunt, but I think you have given it your best shot. Find someone else who loves you as you are, and loves to kiss and cuddle you...


Sending you one of the slightly dodgy 3-way hugs...

:grouphug:

Errata

cakeordeath wrote: »

I don't think HE's got a very big problem, I think it might be a big problem for their relationship, it may just be the empathy he struggles with, he may desperately want to please and be caring and I'm damned sure he is aware that she has feelings. It's just not straight as forward for everyone to understand HOW to act on these feelings. You also seem to be assuming (with the prostitute comment) that he'd have needed sexual contact...the OP has stated that he was a virgin..people can live their lives perfectly happily without sex you know... physical contact is not the be all and end all for every adult.

I wrote that I was wondering, not assuming. I understand that the OP believes he was a virgin when they met, but have absolutely no idea how any woman can tell if a man is a virgin or not. A man may be nervous, inept or clumsy, but that is not evidence that they are virgins.

cakeordeath_2

WestWalesWannabee wrote: »

Thank you for this. Helpful post. He is an incredibly caring guy and I know he wants to make me happy..i just think he's scared. It's such a shame.

you're very welcome.

A lot of posters here seem to have missed the point where you said he was a virgin who was saving himself for the right woman. The fact that he gave this to you shows an awful amount of love, if that isn't the ultimate proof of how much he cares for you, then I don't know what is, and yet there are people talking here about selfishness on his part!

It IS a shame that there are problems for you here, I truely hope you both find a way to come together and have the family you've talked about, you obviously both care deeply for each other and that is a wonderful thing to have.

WestWalesWannabee

BlondeHeadOn wrote: »

To be honest, you first post in this thread starting warning bells ringing all over the place for me. A bloke who still lives with his parents at 34, is a virgin and has intimacy issues....?...?....

And then the further detail about his father being inappropriate with you - why the hell is you bf still living in the same house as his dad if his dad is groping you? (And why was he not not punching his dad on the nose when he started to abuse you?....)

I get a strong sense that the 'not kissing' is just the tip of a very large and problematic iceberg.

I would walk away. Honestly, men are much much harder to change then women often think(!), and this 'relationship' could go on for years and years not giving you what you want and need. Ask yourself how many years you can go on like this? 1 year? 5 years? 10 years?

Sorry to be so blunt, but I think you have given it your best shot. Find someone else who loves you as you are, and loves to kiss and cuddle you...


Sending you one of the slightly dodgy 3-way hugs...

:grouphug:

He was very much of the opinion that his dad was mucking about and meant nothing by it. Apparently he's like that with a lot of people (not a nice man).. He's not like that with his wife at all! Think he has a thing for younger ladies, not that he's a cheater but that he likes the hands on approach. As for why he hasn't moved out yet... well he was made redundant from quite a few jobs and so kept having lack of funds issues and then decided 2 years ago to set up his own business so has been ploughing all his money into that. Means saving a bit on rent if he's living at home. Granted though.. i wasn't too chuffed about this when I first met him. Couldn't understand why he hadn't left by this age.

WestWalesWannabee

cakeordeath wrote: »

you're very welcome.

A lot of posters here seem to have missed the point where you said he was a virgin who was saving himself for the right woman. The fact that he gave this to you shows an awful amount of love, if that isn't the ultimate proof of how much he cares for you, then I don't know what is, and yet there are people talking here about selfishness on his part!

It IS a shame that there are problems for you here, I truely hope you both find a way to come together and have the family you've talked about, you obviously both care deeply for each other and that is a wonderful thing to have.

He's incredibly thoughtful. Happy to offer me a lift home if i'm out with the girls, my car died recently and he had a spare one and gave it to me until I wanted to get something else, feeds my cats for me if i'm away for a weekend etc.. I do lots for him too though so it's very much a mutual thing. Really wish it would work itself out.

BlondeHeadOn

WestWalesWannabee wrote: »

He was very much of the opinion that his dad was mucking about and meant nothing by it. Apparently he's like that with a lot of people (not a nice man).. He's not like that with his wife at all! Think he has a thing for younger ladies, not that he's a cheater but that he likes the hands on approach. As for why he hasn't moved out yet... well he was made redundant from quite a few jobs and so kept having lack of funds issues and then decided 2 years ago to set up his own business so has been ploughing all his money into that. Means saving a bit on rent if he's living at home. Granted though.. i wasn't too chuffed about this when I first met him. Couldn't understand why he hadn't left by this age.

If you did get back together, do you have plans to live together? Daily intimacy without mum and inappropriate dad constantly in the background might help !

WestWalesWannabee

BlondeHeadOn wrote: »

If you did get back together, do you have plans to live together? Daily intimacy without mum and inappropriate dad constantly in the background might help !

Yes - he's already asked me to get a place with him.

dizzyg_2

WW, I know exactly how you are feeling. I was in your position after a year with my OH and it is so frustrating. Five years later and unfortunately it hasn't worked out and we are going our separate ways.

It wasn't just about kissing, it was the intimacy. I felt the connection we had slowly fade until my feelings about him completley changed. I still love him and care about him deeply but physically we are like brother and sister.

I tried talking to him so many times. He does have intimacy problems and admitted this. He promised he would try counselling but never did.

If your OH can express his feelings for you in other ways than kissing then it is a good sign but if you have already broke up over this once and there hasn't been any change then you may have to decide if you can kive with it or not.

If you can, then find other ways to improve intimacy. Try banning actual sex and take things back to basics and build slowly from there.

I really hope everything works out for you. Just don't make my mistake and wait five years before deciding you need more xx

BlondeHeadOn

WestWalesWannabee wrote: »

Yes - he's already asked me to get a place with him.

What's your gut reaction to that? Fantastic, want to, or still not sure?